Everyday

Well... today was fun. I spent it with The Professor. I thought I had cut him out of my life a few times. But I always go back. It's been like this for 7 years almost exactly. I think he's genuinely a good person though. He's just lost, like all of us are. But he's really got his shit more together now it seems. I had a really good time with him today. If I didn't know better, I would almost call it a date. But as often with most things, it was kinda backwards. We made out last night and had quality time today and didn't even touch each other today. But I gave him a sassy text about last night that made us both giggle. Well, text "lol".

We're both horrifically awkward. But yeah, it was fun. We saw someone on a horse, went hiking, went to a museum, went to St. Augustine, got bbq... none of that is in order. And neither am I. But in a semi-good way I think.

Wedding Bells

This song is so upbeat, but depressing. Similar to myself. I'm glad Lissie's coming out with something new soon if it hasn't come out already. With tax season being over, work is kinda cut throat. We specialize in scare tactics. I need to work on mine. And be less intimidated by them.

I get really paranoid about some things. Not that it's likely people know things or look me up... but I don't hide myself very much so any kind of random reference to things from my past sets off my paranoia alerts. Oh well. That's part of what goes along with putting yourself out there. I don't lie. But I try not to volunteer info that isn't really important to know about myself either. Talked about bipolar people with someone at work and it briefly made me wonder if he included that small bit of info because of this very blog. I wasn't like, "Ermuhgerrrrrrrd, I know EXACTLY how those people are..." But I kinda joked about it, possibly selling myself out. Oh well. If you're digging about info about me, here it is. Ermuhgerd, like it would be so shocking. Heh.

I need to give less stress about what others' opinions of me are. A work in progress... like so many aspects of my life. I started doing the church thing again. I think I'm going to commit and follow through with it. It will give me something better to focus on. Working on my spirituality. I've gone the past 3 weekends... even did a penance and lit a candle for prayer and meditation in the chapel. I did a lot better when I was a more spiritual person.

No more nose ring. It yanked out yesterday morning and was a hassle to change, so I just said forget it. It was fun for the year I had it. But I feel myself going in a different direction and I usually lose a piercing or gain one when that happens. Plus I'm likely to get a tattoo this weekend, so there we go. New body mod, new phase. I'm sure I'll know more about that by the end of this week.

Electric Feel

I have to remember that I found my strength growing up as being part of a team, not as just a singular entity. My success was being in the chorus. Yes, from time to time, I was a soloist. But my strength has always been in being a team player. I need to work on my confidence. I can't be bright and shiny like I'd like to be without contributing to some of what's around me. It's selfish and it's all in vain to try to be fabulous without bringing some of what's around me in on it.

I tend to dwell on negative things and I have to learn to experience and release things. If they're meant to happen, they will in due time. Can't focus on all the wrong things. I just have to be patient and do my best with what I'm given. Maybe dance it up a little bit. But don't turn things into what they don't need to be.

Dirty Diana

I'm back. I almost posted a few posts during my month hiatus, but I've been holding to my commitments more and more lately. I'm still seeing my "friend" though. I can't help it. I've been seeing him for a lil over a year though. This "thing of convenience" we have has actually been more convenient than I expected. It helped as a catalyst in ending things with GWF.

I made my 90 days at work. I hit goal during tax week. All things that I set as goals and achieved. I feel on top on the mother fucking world. I have friends at work (some of them are hot dudes even :P) and life seems pretty concrete. I started the EMDR stuff with my counselor. I'm going to see Dylan and Dawes on Cinco de Mayo.

I still miss GWF. I started following the damn cat on Twitter. I told the Bear I missed him. He prolly wouldn't remember me if I was to ever come around though. I have to let that go. The EMDR is helping me realize that getting GWF out of my life is the best thing that could have happened. I just really miss that damn cat. We bonded a lot when I was a worthless piece of shit. He'd be proud to see his Mama is doing a lot better.

I'm blogging about a cat. WTF. It's better than blogging about all the bullshit I'd rather not air in public though. It's just family stuff. Stuff I won't be dealing with soon enough because I will be moving out soon. I see that bright horizon and I'm keeping my eyes on it.

I'm friends with Ocean again. It really struck me, the Boston shit. If it had been in Denver and she'd been hurt, I'd have felt so bad. She's a fringe friend though. It's safer that way. I know better than to invest emotional depth is some people now. Life lessons...

I'm glad I'm not at SF anymore. I heard they're gonna dissolve the JOC in the next 5 years. That would have been my ticket out of this hellacious place, but maybe my current job could do that too. We'll see.

I'm worth it

I've decided to take a sabbatical. From this blog. For a month. And from meaningless boring sex until I find a man worth giving my whole self to. Test of endurance. Challenge accepted.

This blog may be temporarily out of service...

I gave the link to someone who doesn't deserve it and now I feel self-conscious. Temporarily suspended. But you know me... I'll prolly be back in a week.

Faretheewell

Not the name of a song for this blog this time. Prolly is, but I'm not listening to it. It's to Ocean. She's been trying to project her nonsense on me for the past two weeks and I'm not having it. I told her not to post about drugs and such on my facebook. But she just kept talking her hippie bullshit about what a long strange trip it's been...

Not that I'm saying it hasn't. It has been a long strange trip. But when I directly ask you not to talk about that on a public forum that people I work with see and warn you not to do it or else I will block and ban you, you should take me a little seriously. And she's bringing up shit I repeatedly apologized for and then tells me "Good luck coping when your dad dies..." I told her thanks, that I would prolly need it. And she continues to carry on.

First time she's texted me or cared about anything. But of course, it's because no one else wants to listen to her carry on. And I'm done trying to appease her. Realistically, she hasn't been a real friend in 6 years. So this is a cut that isn't going to hurt me too much. Should have been done when she told me she was posing for GWF in her bathing suit right before the 10th year high school reunion. So, I'm done. My mother was right. She's bad vibes.

Went back and looked at my LJ. The original blog. Before blogs were blogs. Whoa. That shit was intense. I see now some of the stuff I said and did was a little... insane. But I was 19. I didn't know better. And also there's the one I read from the last time GWF and I slept together. I described that pretty well. I could be a novelist maybe after all lol.

A part of me still feels bad. But her incessant texting to me a full half hour nonstop after I deleted her crap just keeps proving to me that all the stuff she's saying about me is what she must really feel about herself. This isn't Festivus, it's St. Patrick's Day. So I'm not going to air all of my grievances. But faretheewell...