Whoa...

I saw the traffic on this thing.... I became almost kinda popular it seems overnight. Today was mucho productive. I switched the policies on 2 cars and did a quote that's a guaranteed bind if I get to it before the agent does. I would have bound it today if the state didn't have bind restriction in place. I was so excited until someone poited out to me that we couldn't bind for them until the restriction was lifted. I explained to the lady. She was buying it for her nice/ward for her 18th birthday. She wanted the BAREST coverage ever and it was a decent amount for the quote. I gave her my direct line and told her she will be the first person I call when the restriction is lifted. Which is true... I'm gonna finally get my bind!!!!!!

I was really cute today for Halloween. I was a "cherry-bomb" pin-up girl. A few people told me how cute I looked. I did my make up all nice like. But I still feel... I dunno. It's not really lonely... it's deeper than that. And it's always been there. I can't describe it as anything but dark.

I have to focus on everything that is good... I'm doing better at my job and I am making friends. I look better than I have in years without being strung out and/or crazy. But I still see things in a sad light. Even at my "happiest" I was still sad.

I think I just want someone. And that's no good. Me wanting someone just exhibits my codependent tendencies. I have to learn to be comfortable being myself by myself. The fact that I recognize this is a good sign. I'm really happier not having to play a part for someone.

I'm tired literally and imaginatively. I have to accept that I can't be everyone's friend. People think that because I'm being nice to them means i want to be friends with them. I'm just friendly to keep the environment as friendly as I possibly can. I'm not seeking your approval. I'm just keeping the peace because too often in the past I have fucked shit up pretty badly and I'm trying to better myself and not be like the person I was. Or rather, I don't want to be like the person I let myself turn into. Someone reminded me yesterday of how I used to describe lemony tasting things as if they "taste like sunshine" and it made my heart die a little inside.

I used to be so sweet and cute and now I'm just old and tired

Blargh... nothing in particular

At work. Can't bind any policies due to the storm so we have to do Customer Service. Which I'm secretly thrilled. I am so crappy when it comes to selling stuff.

I'm so excited to wear my costume tomorrow. It's a lil racy, but it covers up enough that it's work approriate so long as I keep the shrug on.

I had an awesome conversation with one of my favorite co-workers. She's totally on the level. It's good to know some people get it. It's so rare nowadays.

I'm so glad I can finally really celebrate Halloween again for the first time in forever. MM was always a fuddy-duddy when it came to certain things. Like being a person lol.

Gah, I have so many expenses this paycheck... 2 appointments I owe for KE... One for my meds doc. That's half my paycheck right there. Plus the meds themselves. But everything is working out for the most part. It's almost allowing me to allow myself to have hope again. It's been soooooooooo long.

Much love...

woot!!! (From Friday)

I was the most productive this week than I think I've ever been since working here. I think it's the new locale. I like my neighbors and they cheer me up. My morale is up a million percent. And it's almost Halloween. I love Halloween. Always have and always will. I'm in tune with the spirits, you know?

I made 2 IFR's and a quote today which is amazing for me. I made 72 calls yesterday. I need to just combine those 2 thigs and just blow everyone away with a bind. I'm going out tomorrow night. I'm kinda almost cute. Life is pretty damn good.

I feel less empty as each day goesby. There's still a gnawing pain in my core, but that's not going to go away overnight if it ever does. But I find myself letting go of MM more and more each day. I'm happy I can be honest when I say that. But it's made me resolve to never get close to anyone ever again enough to let them hurt me like that ever again.

I think I was bon for customer service. I seem to make people feel special. And I'm glad I can do that. I can't make myself feel special, but if people around me are happy, then I adapt to my surroundings and become happy too. I'm an emotional chameleon. I have no feelings of my own. Yes, I do. Who the fuck am I kidding?

It's really scary when I relate to Ke$ha lyrics. But the songs "Blind" and "Dancing With Tears In My Eyes" kinda hit home.

I dunno how long I can keep up the meaningless sex. It's fun. It's fairly reliable. But I'm not the kind of person that can keep up my walls. But it hasn't been that hard. I'm just afraid ofthe fallout when they do collapse. I've really only cried in the counselor's office and that's very brief and then I compose again. I can't remember the last genuine good cry I've had. And that's kinda scary considering... well, you know.

I ried on my costume. It looks awesome

Sandy, you're a slut...

I'm listening to a CD that I burned a little over 2 years ago... It was before MM and I broke up (so much for never mentioning him again, heh), but like within weeks of it. I listen to it and I know the flow of my music tastes and I see how angry I was. And the last song? "Best of My Love"... Yes, we needed to break up.

I'm finally honest with myself. I see the improvements I've made. I'm myself again. And I fucking love me. You're stupid if you don't love me :P Fuck, I really have an inner angry white boy living in my heart. LOL... But yeah, it's nice not gauging myself to what I think someone wants from me... I don't think I'm ever going to do that for another man ever again.

I'm not even sure I want to keep it up with TK. I'm not sure I trust him enough to tell me he's seeing someone else while we're screwing. And we've been seeing each other for over 6 months  and he still hasn't... made the whistle blow. Take that as you will.


I have to be up earlier than usual tomorrow, so I'm gonna chomp some zombies and get some sleep.

Look at yourself... If you had a sense of humor, you would laugh to beat the band...

::sigh:: This time of year is bittersweet. I just think back to everything I went through a year ago and I'm so glad I'm not in that place anymore. That all that pain led to the happy path I'm trying to get on and stay on with some stability.

I still hurt when it comes to MM. I don't know of it's my pride or my heart that hurts when it comes to him. But the burning I feel in my chest knowing that some other woman is getting the warm smiles I once got and the hugs and kisses that were once mine makes me think that this might be more than just a surface wound.

I've been doing better at work. I got more retention hours which I'm good at. It's basically a glorified secretary that can also bind someone on the spomt if they're interested in gettinsurance right then and there and not any of the retention reps get that prvilige.

I'm so excited about my pin-up girl costume for Halloween this year. It's gonna be so sexxxy! I'll make sure to take pictures of my "cherry-bomb" self.

There are a few guys I care about. One isn't anything but pure animal lust. He's the one I'm least interested in to be completely honest. One is a friend that I know it won't go anywhere because it's had plenty of chances to and it never really evolved. And I don't think the ass really cares about me like I do. Then there's another guy that has also said he has a thing for me, too. But he lives in a different city. But he's the one I think I'm the most compatible with.

Oh, nothing in my life is ever really simple. But that's my own doing.

Stuff and Junk and Things... Life Is Indeed Moving Forward

I've been spending the last hour and a half looking at halloween costumes. I haven't been able to dress up in something fun in I don't know how long, so I'm really excited and I'm totally going all out! I think I might be able to make it to a party and I know I'm going to wear a costume to work.

My last posts were kinda bitter and angry, but I've let those feelings melt away. Don't get me wrong, if I ever see MM again, I will most certainly let him know how much better off I am without his presence in my life. But I wish him no harm. He's really not worth any energy, neither negative nor positive.

Work is going well. Out of the 7 agents I have left, I still have 5 for now. The two I was dealing with this week both complimented me on how I have a good attitude. It really meant a lot to get compliments from them despite that I'm not really getting them the business or binds. The other 2 agents are not renewing. But I've been making more dials each day this week. I'm starting to catch up to everyone. I got 2 quotes with my first call Friday (yesterday) and one quote today so I think that makes 5 total this month. There are some people who get that in a day, but with the cold lists I've been getting, that's damn good!

So I have a dude dilemma. I have a "buddy"... we'll call him TK. There are no feelings between TK and I. Like none. We're "friends that fuck" that really aren't even friends if we're gonna call it what it is. The only time I see him is when we screw.  And that's usually 15 minutes. And then I go and do my walk of shame home.

Well, there's JR. He lives in Valdosta, but I've met him a few times. He's very sweet. He seems to be a lot like I am. I know he's done a sting in The Bin, too. So he understands some stuff that I can't really explain to people. At least, I'm pretty sure he does. We text and we've talked on the phone once. I'm going to call him after I go to RM's tonight. Talking to him is natural, like he's just down the road and not 2 1/2 hours away in another state. JBR (my big sis, chosen family) seemed a little hesitant. I know her. She tries to hide things, but I know her well enough. And she's prolly right in being hesitant. But she hasn't outright decreed it as something that's impossible and shouldn't be thought about.

JR makes me feel good. But I dunno if it's because I want to feel something for someone again and he's just filling that place or if I have genuine feelings for him. I'd have to spend time with him again to gauge it for sure. But that's impossible right now because I don't drive and he doesn't have a fixed schedule so he could come out here on a Sunday or Monday.

He's really smart, but also goofy so the smartness doesn't scare or intimidate me. It's nice to know I can care about someone again. That MM didn't break me. That I didn't break myself. This past month and a half has really shown me that I can do what needs to be done, adapt, and grow as a person. Not just physically, but mentally too. I was so stagnant for so long and now I can feel myself chugga-chugga-choo-choo-ing towards success in more than one aspect of my life.

I'm finally not apathetic. I'm not vaguely suicidal. I smile without having to fake it too much. I interact with people. I'm being a person again!!!! I feel alive and it doesn't scare me. I had a rough two weeks there, but I think it was just the cloud of sadness and depression lifting and reality was so sharp and vivid that it scared me and made me paranoid. But I rolled with the punches. I kept breathing. I told people my crazy ideas and theories (that might be feasible.... you never know) and had help and love from people rather than a cold shrug and then passing me off to a facility because it wasn't something to be bothered with.

Fuck you, Mike. You didn't break me. I'm back and better than ever.

Bitter, much?

Holy shit, I read my last post. That was some anger. Whoa... I even used MM's girly-girl's real name (Rosie Meyers for the record, heh). Yeah, I can be kinda vicious. Today is the 2 year anniversary of our initial break up. Exactly a year ago was the last time we slept together, also. Because he is a sick, sadistic, twisted evil piece of shit. Actually, he prolly didn't even realize or was cognizant enough to realize what day it was when we last slept together. He was prolly too fucked up on pills.

Another friend sees him in pretty much the same view. He's been a lousy friend to her for the better part of a decade. He's been a lousy person probably since he was born. If I am ever in his presence again, I will refuse to acknowledge him. He's not worthy of my attention. This post will be the last I mention him.

I'm going to focus all of my energy into improving myself and being the best I can be. I'm going to lose 20 pounds. I'm going to get a bind eventually. The number of calls I've made has been getting higher and higher. I have really awesome friends who keep me motivated and help cheer me on. I'm forever thankful to them.

I'm struggling to stay out of the dark place my heart is tempted to fall into. I have to get some tests done tomorrow and see if there is anything really wrong with me. It's more than likely not anything, but my wild imagination takes things to the limit and beyond.

I'm going to start a beauty regimen. People already think I'm at least 5 years younger than I am, so I'm going to maintain that. I still haven't developed any wrinkles or grey hair. I know.... It's vain and stupid to care about. But I'm going to be awesome and everyone s going to know it. So no more ugly nasty posts about people from the past that don't matter.

Just talked to a guy I'm currently crushing on a little bit... We shall see where this goes ::blush::

The Second Dee-formation

::sigh:: I know this sounds arrogant, but I seem to get under people's skin. People either don't want to lose me as a friend or they want to flirt with me incessantly or both. I don't understand it. I mean, I guess I'm an okay person. But I don't see the excessive need to have me in your life when I've been a douche. But whatever.

I used to be a real douchebag for realsies. I'd hurt people because I knew I could and I'd hit the exact nerve they tried so hard to protect and I'd hit it right on the mark. Now I try my best not to be that person. I'm just really good at being evil if I know your weakness. But I decided after things with MM ended, I wanted my karma to be better again.

I did something similar before I started dating him. I was sleeping with HB. HB was the first person I'd ever slept with. He was kind of an asshole, but it wasn't anything of substance. We were steady fuck-buddies for about a year and a half. Then I decided I was going to have a "Dee-formation"... kinda like Martin Luther had the Reformation. I was going to respect myself and my body and my emotions. I wasn't just going to sleep with whoever gave me a second glance. And about 6 months into this, I ended up dating MM for almost 9 years. True, that didn't end well. But it was okay for a few years.

I'm not looking for anything serious right now. It would be nice to have someone hold me and cuddle and tell me everything was going to be okay, but it isn't a necessity. I'm definitely not sacrifice myself for that ever again.

The whole thing that pisses me off about MM is that I did sacrifice myself. I gave up my core feelings to appease him and do and be what I thought what he wanted. And in the long run, it wasn't enough. And when I knew I wasn't doing the right thing, but was stuck so far into myself... He never attempted to really elp me pull myself out of that. Well, I hope lil miss Rosie Meyers can help him figure out how to be a real man. He's going to work a dead end job. I make almost what he makes during my second half of my shift what took hi 5 years and tenure as a supervisor to get and that's just my beginning pay.

I can't wait for the day years from now when he's chasing after some snotty-nosed obnoxious children that should have been drowned at birth while I'm successful and doing great. And maybe I'll have a man. Hell, maybe I'll have a woman. But whetever happens, I know I'll always be happier than he will. Because he's a miserable piece of shit that will never learn to be happy.

Improvements.... leaps and bounds :)

I can't watch the debate. I honestly don't want to think about what our country is going to turn into. I used to care more. But I associate politics with my ex. I can't keep track of my code names so I'm just going to call people by their initials.

I came home to a package from Victoria's Secret. I got my pajamas and a new bra and some body wash and lotion and some body splash. I also got some body splashes for my friend RM. She got me a "toy" I named Ziggy Stardust. Hahaha... I was only kidding when I said that's what I wanted for my birthday. It's funny... my best friends are how I get my sex toys. KA gave me my first one.

I made an amazing playlist on Spotify. I think I can die happy now j/k. But the music really just fits the mode I'm in for now. I'll make another list when I feel another transition or get sick of this one. I usually just put blocks of music on and then when I play the list, I set it to random. That way it's never the same and boring and predictable.

I'm really glad I moved my chair at work. I don't have to have a headache every day. The people I sit by are nice and engage me in conversation and don't make me feel too weird or anything. Just weird enough, lol. I'll miss some of the people I sat by, but I think I'm better off.

I've changed my schedule so that I'm not going to Lee's and chancing seeing MM again. I've finally accepted he isn't meant to be in my life anymore and I'm glad I don't see him. I'm taking lunch with the people who work my same shift and we have fun. I finally feel like I fit in after working here for 8 months.

I can't wait for JB to come down for Thanksgiving. She wants to hang out with SP, but I dunno if he wants anything to do with me. I pissed him off and he blocked me. But 9 out of 10 people who do that end up changing their mind. People can't resist my charm. Heh.

I'm in this weird phase right now. Part of me wants to think about dating someone. Nothing too serious, but someone I can lay claim to and hug and call and be with when I need someone. But another part of me enjoys this freedom I have. I don't really have to answer to anyone other than myself. I have a "buddy". And he even said he'd cuddle if spend the night which is super nice.

I'm afraid to spend the night with him though. Usually if I sleep over with someone, I start to feel something for them. It's only natural. It's been almost a year since I've slept with a man's arms around me. I've only slept with 2 people since I ended things with MM and only one of them is new.

I've finally begun to let MM go. He has a new girlfriend named Rosie Meyers or Meyer or something like that. And yes that's her real name. And no, I won't protect her privacy because I don't know her or care about her. I just hope she can put up with his shit. And if she can't, I hope he doesn't push her into having a nervous breakdown, too. Somehow I knew he had a girlfriend. I sensed something in the air. I asked someone who I was actually under the impression that he was no longer talking to if he was seeing someone and she told me he was. I'm so good at hiding my emotions that this person actually thought I knew before I asked her because I have a fast and clever network of friends who love me and supplied me with the necessary info because I was blocked from her FB. Which fucking amuses the shit out of me. Because he knkew i would find out eventually and was afraid I'd attack his delicate little flower. Which is funny because his nickname is Pansy. May they bloom in manure together for eternity. When he gets engaged to some poor pathetic girl, those are gonna be secondhand diamonds... that ring graced my hands for 2 years and my taint is attached to it. LOL.... taint.

Okay, so maybe I'm still a little bitter and angry. I gave too many years to that waste of an excuse for a man,. But he had me while I was stupid and did things that weren't always the best. Now that I'm older and seasoned, I know how to treat a man properly. I know how to be a good person. I won't be the trainwreck I once was. I won't be strung out on drugs. I have a good job and take better care of myself and can be an asset to someone, not a burden. I will never be anyone's burden again. I will never let someone use me to make themselves feel better while I feel like shit. I'm breaking the cycle.

I gave up the drugs. I might even give up drinking. I have to take care of myself. I won't sacrifice my sanity for anyone ever again. I'm too strong. I'm too amazing. And I will not sell myself short.

untitled

Well, I've figured out another factor that has led up to this episode. The birth control. I haven't been like this since I was on the patch 7 years ago. And lord knows what a shitfest 2005 was for me. But you know what? I picked up my sedatives this morning from CVS and I still haven't resorted to taking them. I will in a little while, but I'm thinking I want to cut back on my meds. If I have an episode like this while takng as much as I am, it makes the think it is a bit futile to take them and lord knows what kind of cancer it's accumulating in my body. I'm half-kidding.

I've been trying to decipher all the factors that have been driving me to this point. I've been connecting things too much. But it's okay. I'm not getting freaked out and acting scared. It's not the end of the world and even if it was, there's nothing i could do to prevent it because that's a problem that is way bigger than I am. I'm getting tired. Will post more later.

Do you have to let it linger?

Well, I'm pretty much figuring out how to deal with having an episode without going to the hospital. I know I can go if need be, but it's not a necessary thing at this point because I'm taking control of myself and my actions rather than letting my mind wander and leaving other people to make my decisions for me. I can be cognizant enough to call myself when I feel shit's really going down, but I'm dealing with it.

It's just weird how some things can have so many different meanings without even meaning to. The collective consciousness knows what's really going on, and that's what really matters. If we all just stopped a minute to really listen and think to the things around us, we'd be so much happier. I just see so much that scares me and misinterpret it and that's what drives me crazy.

I just can't think too hard and give into my fear too much. It's good to be aware, but the world is going to keep on spinning whether I want it to or not. I don't have the power to stop time. I can't read others' thoughts and they can't read mine. I misinterpret things to mean stuff totally different things than what they really are.

I'm letting go of the past slowly but surely. It's healthy to shed your skin and start somewhat fresh and move in a different direction than you expected. The adventure is a lot more fulfilling than the prediction. And I'm not the great all knowing Oz.

I really want to go into learning more about meditation and the collective consciousness... My heightened senses make me feel like I should know more about this. Kinda like Miracle Day on Torchwood. That really scares the shit out of me.... That I'll die repeatedly and still survive. But I guess that's what reincarnation is like. I'd just rather come back as something different with my slate wiped clean. But in some ways, I kinda just do that, just in the same wrapping paper.

I'm just gonna roll with the punches and stop abhorring change. I used to be one of the most adaptable people and I just froze because I was afraid I couldn't keep up. Which is exactly what kept me from keeping up. But I believe in the greater good. I never really stopped... I just lost my convictions about it. I stopped standing firm for what I believed in for myself. I let others think for me and do for me and laid back totally compliant and complacent.

I have my spirit back again. And it's so strong that when I first felt it, it scared the shit out of me. I just needed to brush and polish it and I see that it sparkles brighter than it ever did before. I really want to thank my friends for helping guide me along the way. For believing in me when I couldn't and keeping that space open so I could come back and believe in myself rather than lettiung me fall between the cracks. My support system is so much bigger than I ever thought it would be again. I thought I killed everything good in my life... Now I know better and I'm ready to carry on and be awesome along with the amazing people I call friends.

::sigh::

I can't shake this awful feeling in my heart, like there's a void, but it's not empty... It's filled with disappointment and grief. I grieve for something that was totally wrong for me though. One of my friends said that he was wrong for letting me turn into what I became before I picked myself up again. I agree, but only to a degree. I ultimately let myself become that monster. He just helped enable it.

I finally feel some real closure. I think seeing him at Wal-Mart and then him starting to date some new girl needed to happen to really seal that closed. I won't even try to give myself any false hope or bluff false hope with expectation riding behind it. I just need to accept what it is for what it is and move forward. Don't look back... Like Dylan in the movies... That should have been the title to this entry.

My heart burns like an onion... That was 10 years ago. There are some people I kinda almost entertain the idea of maybe flirting with. But I need to make sure I'm okay before I pursue anything real.

I love you, I love you, I love you... What's your name?

It's really uncanny how I can sniff bullshit from a mile away. It almost kinda creeps me out. But I sensed something was up. I consulted my usual resources and found out something interesting. Ludwig is seeing someone new. They started dating in the beginning of this month. Oddly enough, I'm actually kinda okay with this. It finally sets me free of any false pretense there would be a snowball's chance in Hell that things would figure themselves out between us. I didn't really think it would, but now I know for sure that it's over for realsies.

I know her name and what she looks like and their anniversary. Apparently she plays WOW. She supposedly moved here in 2009. That's all. She has the same style of glasses I do which is kinda weird. I'm still way cuter lol. She must be special if he's actually dating her. Her name is even cute. And she must have high security on her FB because I couldn't see all of this for myself, I was blocked. I had to rely on other sources for my info. But I know it's accurate.

It's just fucking weird to me. I had a feeling I was going to have some epic crazy news and sure enough, I got it. My intuition is insane sometimes. Just like I saw him at Wal-Mart, I knew this was going to happen... But knowing and being prepared are two different things. It's strange though... I was having a bad fit last Monday and that's the day they started dating. It ain't right how I'm still so in-tune with him still. In fact, I wasn't until recently and now I've been hitting the head on the nail now.

I'd be a hypocrite if I begrudged him. I once told him to seize the pussy when we broke up back in 2007. He finally listened lol. I've had sex with other guys since we broke up. I just hope this girl makes him happy. I will smack a bitch if I hear she hurts him. He deserves happiness after everything. So do I. I guess this is when I jump on the self-esteem bandwagon and maybe venture out into the dating scene for myself.

Even if I know its for the best, it doesn't make it hurt any less. But I'm not really angry or bitter. I'm a little sad, but when you give the better part of a decade of your life to someone it's hard to let go. But I need to stop clinging in vain. I think I might call my counselor in an hour and see if I can talk to her and find a good way to deal with it. This is one of those times I wish that EMDR stuff was already helping me cope. Damnit, i wish it was the 15th. I need one of my meds really badly right now. I just have to go on auto pilot and turn this insane energy into productivity.

Like Dylan in the Movies

Well, I'm 29 now... Whoopedy doo... Not too much going on. I feel the need to save up money to move out. I really don't want to be that asshat who lives on the parents' couch at 30. I quit drugs when I thought that would never happen, so this isn't an impossible task.

I want to fall in love again. Which means I'm at my most vulnerable to fall for any bullshit i'm being fed. So I need to just be keen on everything that does and doesn't happen. I think it's because I watched Crazy  Stupid Love tonight. They brainwashed me into it :-p.

I'm such a sucker for chords and a harmonica. I'm kinda not really sane right now. Life isn't what I expected it to be. That's fine and all, but what the fuck do i do with myself? Everyone seems to know what they're doing except me. I guess that's part of the "thrill" of being alive.

I'm torturing myself by listening to Belle & Sebastian. It makes me think of people from my past that make me smile and cry at the same time. I've been kinda losing my shit these days, but I'll be okay. Or something. My hair smells amazing.

Now that I'm in the last year of my 20's, I feel like I should be doing something profound with my life or something. Everyone says I look a lot younger than I am. I've been trying to trim the bullshit, but there is no try.... There is do and do not.

I miss Ludwig.