The Second Dee-formation

::sigh:: I know this sounds arrogant, but I seem to get under people's skin. People either don't want to lose me as a friend or they want to flirt with me incessantly or both. I don't understand it. I mean, I guess I'm an okay person. But I don't see the excessive need to have me in your life when I've been a douche. But whatever.

I used to be a real douchebag for realsies. I'd hurt people because I knew I could and I'd hit the exact nerve they tried so hard to protect and I'd hit it right on the mark. Now I try my best not to be that person. I'm just really good at being evil if I know your weakness. But I decided after things with MM ended, I wanted my karma to be better again.

I did something similar before I started dating him. I was sleeping with HB. HB was the first person I'd ever slept with. He was kind of an asshole, but it wasn't anything of substance. We were steady fuck-buddies for about a year and a half. Then I decided I was going to have a "Dee-formation"... kinda like Martin Luther had the Reformation. I was going to respect myself and my body and my emotions. I wasn't just going to sleep with whoever gave me a second glance. And about 6 months into this, I ended up dating MM for almost 9 years. True, that didn't end well. But it was okay for a few years.

I'm not looking for anything serious right now. It would be nice to have someone hold me and cuddle and tell me everything was going to be okay, but it isn't a necessity. I'm definitely not sacrifice myself for that ever again.

The whole thing that pisses me off about MM is that I did sacrifice myself. I gave up my core feelings to appease him and do and be what I thought what he wanted. And in the long run, it wasn't enough. And when I knew I wasn't doing the right thing, but was stuck so far into myself... He never attempted to really elp me pull myself out of that. Well, I hope lil miss Rosie Meyers can help him figure out how to be a real man. He's going to work a dead end job. I make almost what he makes during my second half of my shift what took hi 5 years and tenure as a supervisor to get and that's just my beginning pay.

I can't wait for the day years from now when he's chasing after some snotty-nosed obnoxious children that should have been drowned at birth while I'm successful and doing great. And maybe I'll have a man. Hell, maybe I'll have a woman. But whetever happens, I know I'll always be happier than he will. Because he's a miserable piece of shit that will never learn to be happy.