Linger

Such a good song. Well, this will be my last blog of the year. Gonna type this up and then start getting ready to bring in the new year with my girlies. I made leaps and bounds this year even though it's back to not having a job again. I'm not at square one. I'm on level 2.

I made some friends, I lost connection with some friends, I proved myself wrong. I lost hope and gained it back. I slept with someone new. I adapted. And I'm ready to take on a new year. I'm still getting the help I need. The world didn't end.

I'm eliminating the shit I don't need anymore. No more smoking and drinking for at least a year, maybe more if it works out. Grrrr... my damn fingerbnails are messed up. Oh well.

I'm letting go of all the bad from this past year and going to try to hold on to all the things I learned that are good from this year. I finally feel mentally stable enough to do that healthily. I'm ready to grab the bull by the horns. Or the balls if need be.

Love to everyone and everything. I hope 2013 is even better... Muahz!!!

Fake Plastic Trees

I just realized I referred to Mike as "Gingered Wonderfuck" the other day when it was supposed to be "Gingered Wonderfag" and I just wanted to make the correction. He was far from a "wonderfuck" lol. But that's the past and I'm letting it go. I just couldn't let that go uncorrected lol.

I only drank half of a regular sized bottle of wine last night and I'm so proud of myself. However, it seems when I drink less that my hangovers seem worse. But I'm finishing the other half of the bottle today. And I will maybe drink on NYE, but after midnight, that's it until 2014. That's the goal. I bought the last packs of cigs I will hopefully ever end up buying. I'm procrastinating writing my resume because it gives me anxiety to present my best face forward. I don't believe even my best face is a halfway decent face to be seen.

I finally communicated and got through to my dad some of the stuff that's wrong with me mentally as best as I could and I think he was very receptive and accepting and supportive. I'm thankful that he listens and doesn't tune me out when I have some really important stuff to say. He even let me fill up a grocery cart and got me the stuff I'll need for the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, I'll have some of my own cash when the necessities run out.

My mother... I have some mother issues. Big time. But I had a great realization yesterday. If I keep holding onto anger and resentment, I'm going to turn into her and I really don't want that. I don't really think my mother is a bad person. I just have a hard time seeing her point of view and she has a hard time seeing mine. We're very similar but in very different aspects. I'm the oldest of the two kids and my mom was the youngest of six. Her tragedy of youth was losing her mother when she was only 12. Mine was  that I myself almost died when I was 14.

She never had a mother and I think that makes it harder for her to be a mother because her mother figure was her oldest sister and she died very tragically when my mom was still fairly young. She has her own issues that I won't go into out of respect to not air out people's laundry. I'm only showing my own panties on my blog, not anyone else's. It's disrespectful. I've learned on other public writing forums that it ain't right to go into people's personal shit without their personal consent. Unless it's directly related to me. But even then, I'm hesitant. Usually. It's case by case lol. But I've learned this lesson many a time and it's finally stuck after I almost lost my Mama Bear because of it.

I half want my FB to proposition me tonight. He does it usually every other weekend when he doesn't have his little girl. But I have no expectations. I can't rent a hotel room and I'm not giving gas money. I ain't no one's sugar momma. I finally detached the little feelings I've started almost growing for him.

Just talked to Valdosta. He's such a sweetie. We chat on fb and on the phone. He lives far away. But he doesn't expect very much from me and is very very sweet. More of the kind of dude I think would be better for me in the long fun of things if i was to do the commitment thing again.

I'm working on making myself better though. I've been seeking several different options for what I want. I consider FB my rebound. It's been fun, but I think I'm ready to move on to something more solid and real rather than a random screw on the side of the road and I have to pay gas money. Not really anything to sweep me off my feet. But he's a sweet guy, too. I don't think he wants anything real with me though. I don't want to rush into anything too quickly though. I've also been messaging on OKCupid with someone who seems really sweet, too. I haven't accessed that account in forever, but something randomly stuck out about him and he seems like an interesting person. I'm keeping my options open until it feels really right. Really really right. I don't want to waste my time like I did with GW.

About to go sell the amethyst GW gave me that he originally gave to his first serious girlfriend. I might get 5 bucks, but I don't care. I need moisturizer lol.

Running Up That Hill (might have been a previous title, but who cares... it's on random play)

Well, I've decided that I'm going to indulge in a little bit of smoking cigs and healthy drinking before I give up all of my vices. By "healthy drinking" I mean sipping on some red wine to unwind a bit instead of turning to a full bottle of vodka and taking shot after shot until I can barely remember my name. But I think I'm really going to try to embark for true sobriety, even if it is only for the duration of 2013.

I need to prove this to myself. That I can do it. Despite my problems and surroundings. Because I'm one strong mother f*cker. I've just seen too many signs leading to this that I can't turn a blind eye. I'm not saying I'm gonna be a friend of Bill W. or anything. Not yet... If I start feeling cravings, that's when I might turn to that source. But I've kicked other substances, I know I have the strength and serenity in me deep down under all the chaotic mess. I just need to reach deep within me and hold onto it for dear life. Because I promised my dad he wouldn't be the one burying me.

It was kinda weird. I caught my dad a lil off today... it made me confront the truth that he's not going to be around forever. And he's going to help me with COBRA which is AWESOME!!!!!! I'll be able to keep getting the treatment I need which he knows is important. I want to see what this new doc can do for me. He wants me to do all these diagnostics so we can finally figure out what is wrong with me and get on track with fixing it properly. Bree (inside joke for her alias) was right when she said I should be re-evaluated because we have very similar symptoms and she had been misdiagnosed for years.

I just want to get the help I need to make sure I can go on living a healthy and productive life. I can't help anyone else if I can't help myself. One of my best friends told me I was a healer today because she was facing crisis-mode and that really made me feel good becasue that's what I've always wanted to do. Help others with similar problems and let them know that it's okay, but you have to be receptive to the changes you need to make.

Much love and sparkles to my amazing readers. You keep me writing.

Rid Of Me

Good ole Polly Jean. I'm not even sure that's what P.J. stands for to be honest. I've often thought of this as my theme song. Because I may hide for awhile or go missing for a bit.... you may even banish me for a year or so. But you're rarely rid of me. I once told someone I was like herpes... I go away, but I always come back. Yeah, I know. I'm the only person who would compare themselves to an STD.

I applied for unemployment. It's been 3 weeks since I got fired... a week since I landed from the cuckoo's nest. I've been doing the outpatient thing. It's been okay since I've been an active participant. The first few days I was kinda bleh about it, but I figured if I got active into it then it would be worth whatever I'm going to get billed for.

I really need to quit smoking again. I smoke like I never quit, a pack a day. Not doing menthol which is slightly better than smoking 'ports. Marlboro Special Blend Lights. Because I myself am speshul. I saw on my direct deposit that I got credited for the two policies I bound. I have 100% issuance. I can put that on my resume. Fuck yeah!

I'm really trying hard not to be depressed. It's not as hard of a struggle as you might think. Once I have some income coming in, it'll be better I think. I just have to be on the job hunt. 5 applications a week which just means one a day. Not too hard. I need to get off my ass and do a resume. I don't know if I have a copy of my old one and I just need a fresh start anyways. I'll work on that tomorrow... today if I get bored enough. I just needed to get away from all those assessments and forms or else I'd be having a panic attack. I need to mentally prepare myself for it and I knew my dad was starting to worry about it when he mentioned it on the way back from my Outpatient Crazytown session.

It finally feels like winter. It got down to 36 degrees! ::sarcasm:: I look like a 10-year-old. I have sparkles for my eyeshadow and rainbow star dangling earrings. I'm sure I'll instagram a pic of it or something. A lot more people have been reading my blogs since I've been posting them on FB. I wonder if Gingered Wonderfuck ever reads this. I'll bet not.

My goal for 2013 is to put my random thoughts of him away. Not to suppress them. They come less frequently. It'll be something I'll always have a random thought about here and there. But this will be my first year free of him in 12 years. I met him in 2001... 1999 was when I first talked to him. But I don't count that because it doesn't matter anymore. He'll be the one person who can truly be "rid of me". And whoever else wants to run away from this trainwreck. I'm done chasing after people. If you want to be a part of my life, actions speak louder than words. Even if it's just a FB message or text once in awhile, ffs. But if you can't even be bothered to do that, fuck off and don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.

I'm done being that one reliable wackadoodle that will be loyal til the tip of the iceberg melts. I'm almost 30. Done with "playground friendships" and whatnot. Hell, I have friends I've kept in touch with for 25+ years. But if you piss me off and hurt me excessively, I won't hesitate to turn my back on you. I'm done with emotional abuse and I won't stand for it anymore. I'm better than that and I'd hope anyone in my age range would be better than that.

Would I talk to the people who are currently boycotting me ever again? More than likely not. I'll nod hello, maybe wave. Like I did with GW at Wal-Mart that one time. But I'm done leaving my door open. It would just hurt me to know all this current and past pain was all for nothing. I understand taking a break from me. But don't ask about me and then talk about how you want nothing to do with me in the same breath. That hurt. That wasn't the ex. That was another former friend. But it really bothers me.

There. More later. Maybe.

Judy And Her Dream Of Horses

Well, today was another day. Another day I'm thankful for. I have less than 30 dollars for the next month (or until taxes come back, whichever comes first) and no job lined up yet. But I feel love from my friends and family. And I have my music.

One of my friends is having a hard time. I wish I could help, but there's nothing anyone can say when you feel like there's no hope. You have to find it yourself. It's out there, but it's never really handed on a platter. I lose it sometimes. Very often, in fact. Like Toodles loses his marbles in Hook. But whether I'm 30 or 60, I'll find them eventually.

Hope goes hand in hand with faith. And I really don't struggle with hope as much as I do with faith. Hell, I even tried going to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve and then freaked out and walked home at midnight instead of just staying through a church service. I feel spirituality... I'm making it a goal to go to at least 3 different religious places of worship in 2013 to see what all the hype is in the differences. I've already done Presbyterian and Catholic services. I should expose myself to other things I think.

I told my best friend Ocean (that's what I'm calling her in my writings from now on, I promised so I guess I'll start here) that I was going to compose all of my writings (LJ, written diaries, blogs, etc...) in a year or two and start working on my novel. Maybe I'll start sooner. But I have to have my own laptop first. With a deadlock. LOL. I know my mother. She'd try to read it. Maybe I'll let her proofread it for me. But then her hair would turn white, so maybe not...


But I think I have it in me to finally compile all of these random thoughts and quirky stories into something legible and worth reading... If not for anyone other than myself, so be it. But I have a feeling if I wrote it, they would read. (Field of Dreams reference, not referring to the crazies that reside in my head).

So much to think about. Tonight is going to be cold. Yarrr.

Rhythm of My Heart

I've decided that I'm gonna give into my indulgences this last week of 2012. Not that I really believe in New Years' Resolutions, but after this past 2 months, I've realized that I have to implement the tools and gifts that have been revealed with my life experiences.

The biological clock has started ticking. I never wanted children with Mike. We were both too immature with each other for me to think any further than my addictions with him. He didn't inspire me to want anything more than to numb myself after 2005 happened. I knew it when he proposed. But I kept a good lie going for a few years after. Maybe not such a good lie considering how things ended up...

But I love kids. It makes me realize that I want to contribute a piece to society while also helping give someone a better life. I can't have children biologically. But if I found a partner that would be willing to face the challenge of raising life with me together, I think that would really be fulfilling. I'd even settle for being a step-mom. Maybe it's the meds talking. But that's what I want, I think. No. I know.

So I've decided that I'm going to stop disrespecting myself and only get involved with men who are serious about commitment. I had FB going, but that's not really fun anymore. It feels more like another reluctant chore. I'm almost 30. I want a better quality of life. And I think I'd be a good mother if given the chance. If it's meant to happen, it will.

I'm about to go to Midnight Mass. It's been so long since I've been to church. Let's just hope the foundation doesn't crumble ;)

I feel more in touch with my spirituality than I have in a long time. Merry Christmas to all. I love you <3 p="p">

Out of Gas

I had a nice long convo with a friend tonight who helped me get some perspective. She told me how proud she was of me. And for once, I didn't really feign modesty because I really am proud of myself too. I've come a long way in this past year.

A year ago, I was so hopeless. I had maybe 3 friends and one of them was my ex. And now I no longer speak to him. And I went back and read my entry called "Obstacle 1" and realized that since I've re-emerged back from Crazytown... I did have friends at my former job. And I re-friended the ones that did seem to genuinely give a sh*t. And they friended me back. Even responded to my messages. Makes me kinda miss the place almost. There are a select few that I would actually hang out with outside of the work environment and told them to keep in touch.

Maybe I isolate myself and make it so I'm unnecessarily alone. It's just because so many friends have been fair-weather and ditched me that I'm afraid to let anyone in. But that's no way to live life. You can't gain without losing at least a little piece.

Well, Yo told me Thad asked about me. And then proceeded to say that he wishes me well, but wants nothing to do with me. Just like everyone else who I once thought of as family. 95% of them abandoned me which means they were never really worthy of the love I had for them in the first place. Onward and upward. I wish them no harm. But I'll remember this. This just proves what my last paragraph said.

I mourned them all a while ago. But it still stings, I will admit that. But the people who still care about me and love me are my inspiration. I mostly don't want to disappoint myself, but I also seek approval from others too. I just need to alter the balance so that my opinion and love for myself outweighs the negativity.

I'm bound and determined to prove myself worthy of the many chances I've had at a new life when it's very clear I shouldn't have made it this far. The haters can keep their nasty thoughts to themselves. I love me now and if you don't want to follow suit, please politely remove yourself from the path I'm on. I don't need stragglers bringing me down.

A Hazy Shade of Winter

I went 2 weeks without internet and cellphone. Now It's been 13 hours without my cellphone and I'm going stir crazy. Technology drives me crazy.


Oh, and I broke the no sex thing. I just got out of a mental hospital. It starts Jan 1.

And She Was

Where do I begin? Well, I lost my job 2 weeks ago. I worked for an insurance company doing outbound insurance sales (background if you didn't already know) and I sucked at it because I'm too honest and I had a bunch of cold lists that barely had any working numbers. I'd literally call 45-55 people a day on average and maybe 5 of those people would actually answer their phones. Maybe 3 people would let me quote them in a week's time if I was lucky. The only time I made sales was when we did inbound and took overflow from Sandy victims and I don't like the idea of prospering from someone else's misery.

So I took myself to a wellness center. It was a voluntary admittance facility for mentally ill and people detoxing. I'll refer to it as Crazytown. The first week was a blur of tummyache and med adjustment. I'm on Tegretol now and no longer taking Lithium. I feel so much better now. I just fit in, too. I walked onto the unit and just eased in.

It gave me a real perspective. I thought it was the end of the world when I lost my job. A job Ihated. And I know I would have done something stupid to myself if I didn't get the help I did. But when I got to Crazytown, I saw that I didn't have it all that bad. Every addiction I had, I kicked on my own. I didn't have any children/custody issues/marriages to contend with. I wasn't court ordered. I went on my own terms. I was well aware of my condition. Only bad thing was I started smoking again, but I needed some outlet and it was the fresh air during breaks that really tempted me the most. Plus you make friends on smoke break.

There were women battling alcoholism, pills, coke, crack, etc. I was just battling my inner mind. 80% of the women were there for detox. And some of them were so rude. But there were some there that touched my heart deeply. One girl was 18 and going ECT (electroshock) and I swear, I went unmedicated because of course the first night i get there, my doc has a flat and isn't there to RX me. So on top of being crazy enough, I had no medicinal buffer. When I asked the RN, she said, "Well, obviously what you were on wasn't working."

Point taken.

But then I thought one of the fellow patients was coming to kill me in the middle of the night when one of the RN's was doing checks and I gasped so loud afraid it was the patient and I woke up my roommate, myself, and the RN. Yeah, I'm a lil high strung...

I met some interesting people though. It scared the shit out of me seeing people come out of electroshock. One thing that stuck with me was someone I know who has done it told me, "It takes away your memories and you don't get to choose which ones you get to keep." That really scares me. Just the vacant blank stares they had while they were being escorted back from ECT while we waited in line for lunch. I really feel for them. That's a last resort when all ed therapy has been exhausted.

My roommate was obnoxious. A 37 year old who's so obsessesed with Hello Kitty that she mentioned several times how much she wanted the hello kitty watch Yo gave me and "joked" about stealing it. That watch didn't leave my wrist except when I was in the shower lol. Never trust an addict. I was one. I know how they think and act.

Some highlights: a 68-year-old Russian lady who only let one to a few of us she knew more English than most people thought she did, a patient got locked out after a smoke-break for a good hour because the tech was a moron who wasn't very mindful or aware of who came and went from the inside and outside, being the sly diabetic who snuck cake (soooooo good), being the only person wily enough to network for employment while in a looney bin, getting nominated to be groupleader, and also being the most loved patient by the nurses... My dad, bestfriend Murphy, and her mom all came to visit me. My mom outright pretty much told me not to come home on her birthday (the one time she visited me and groaned and griped like my illness was this HUGE inconvenience to her), so I waited until the day after per her request. That was my present to her. To have a daughter in a mental hospital while she gallivanted in Orlando not giving a shit. That's my mom for you. Morgan shaking her butt and asking girls if they were 18 (I love lesbians!). Morgan. Holly. Ashley. Josie. Susan. Anna. Patty. Candace. Ronnie. Karena. I will carry them with me in my heart with that experience I shared with them. BIGGEST HIGHLIGHT: Being nominated by 3 different people to be the group morning leader without even having to campaign or them talk each other into agreement. 3 separate people wanted me to lead. Really boosted my ego. Lowlight: Calling Mike in a moment of weakness. I called twice. First time, he answered and there was no way I could actually confront him even over the phone so I hung up immediately. Then I called when I knew he'd be asleep and said, "Greetings from your favorite psychotic ex-girlfriend. I destroyed myself again. Just wanted to say happy holidays..."

Yeah, I'm straight-up mentally ill.

My doctor doesn't even really think I'm that bad off. His exact words when I asked whether I needed ECT: "Hell no!"

So relieved.

So now I need to lose 10-15 pounds and keep the optimism I found when I was at a pretty low-point. I'm doing outpatient therapy. I'm taking my meds. I had to get really drunk my first full day out to drink the AA meetings out of me >.<. Have tentative plans to keep me busy during the holidays.

I've been missing my blog. But I'm back and better than ever. Much love.

D.

Obstacle 1

::sigh:: What I had been finally waiting as the other shoe to drop has finally dropped. I was fired from my job. I knew this was going to happen. I just feel so shitty. But I didn't like my job one bit whatsoever. I didn't have any real friends there. I sucked at trying to sell stuff. It wasn't my fit. I'm just sad because it was a really good company to work for and could have been a career. But in all honesty, I didn't see myself with some awesome position. My future feels so uncertain.

I'm so erratic and unstable. I feel like a ship in the midst of a hurricane. Up, down, side to side.... dip-slope, crawl-peak. I literally vomitted because I feel myself getting physically ill stressing out about this. And everyone is afraid because they don't know what I'm going to do. I'm a bit unpredictable. I'm the Wildcard, bitches!!!

I'll admit... I had some scary uncertain thoughts and they still cross my mind. I'm laughing one minute and crying the next. But this isn't going to make or break me. I talked to my counselor and we decided that I might need to go in for a tune up. I'm not repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result. I'm just glad I wasn't crazy for feeling as emotional and jarred as I have this week. But I can't continue like this and remain okay. This is too shaky and erratic for me to be comfortable with these kind of mood swings. They're more like mood jolts. I'm gonna get whiplash if I don't do something.

I'm checking into a good Bin tomorrow while I still have the insurance to do it. I'm going recalibrate and tweak my brain so it's relatively functional again. Part of me wants to prove everyone wrong. But another part of me wants to give into their thoughts BECAUSE that's what they expect and think of me. But I'm better than that. I'm rallying against the grain.

So I guess it's not such a bad thing that I wasn't included to go to the parties. Because those people weren't really my friends. and they never will be. As for me? I'm not going to repeat past behavior.

I hope.

Heaven

I love the Talking Heads. They sing this blog's title. I guess I'll give more of my backstory. It's kinda relevant anyways. When I say "coma" I don't mean I just slept more than 12 hours. I mean my body functions were failing and I was intubated on life support. Twice. Almost three times. I've had my Last Rites.

The first coma was the most jarring and tragic I think. I was 14 years old and it was the last weekend before school started so we were in the belly of summer. I had noticed some weird stuff going on with my body but I chucked it up to puberty and hormones and being a teenager. I was 14 after all. And I'm really avoidant so I just kinda let it go.

Long story short, I went to bed one night and woke up a week later with a priest standing over me and a tube down my throat.... WTF?! I'd had some very vivid dreams... even an OBE. But I thought I was just sleeping. I had no reference of time or anything. Then it came... The explanation that I was diabetic and that I had gone into shock. I ended up with pneumonia and was touch and go for awhile there. Unresponsive for 2 days. What a way to start high school!

I'm Type 1 Diabetic and have been for half my life. I take insulin injections. It sucks, but it is what it is. I have no choice. I've been battling Bipolar Disorder as well. Both diseases suck in their own respect, but it really sucks when they co-exist. I've been dx'd bipolar since 2006. I weaved in and out of shrink's offices from 2000 forward with different diagnoses but I'm not going into all of that.

Anyways, I guess I'm bringing up this old wound because I think it is where my need to be a control freak stems from and I'm confronting issues that have been laying dormant since then through EMDR therapy. I feel like this stuff is going to really help me get to the core of my problems. I hope it does.

EMDR is this weird hypnosis kind of deal. It sounds almost kinda like brainwashing. It was first used to treat Vietnam vets suffering from PTSD and has apparently been proven to work. I figure it's worth a try. It's not directly affecting my brain physically like ECT so it doesn't scare me in that respect. I'm just afraid I'm digging into Pandora's Box by digging up long repressed and ignored memories. That's what this past week has kinda felt like since I did the pre-cursor exercise to find my "happy place". Not even joking. But I've been doing some of the breathing exercises and that's been helping a bit.

We had started this out thinking that my relationship with Mike was what has been bothering me. But I knew that wasn't it. It does bother me, no doubt. But my life doesn't revolve around him, not anymore. It never should have. I know that now that was a big part of the problem. I focused so much on him that I didn't have anything left for myself. That's not good. You have to be your own person to be a healthy half of a relationship. Now that I know this, I think my next relationship will be a lot better. And as soon as that person makes me unhappy, it's over. You should be in a partnership that is beneficial for both parties and not where one person is leeching off the other alternately.

Gah.... relationships... I just know I'm not interested in having one right now. I find girls attractive sometimes, but just to look at. I don't want to really touch one or anything and I really don't think I could handle the emotions of another woman on top of my own. I've considered going down that route and even dabbled slightly just to make sure that's not what I really want. Dudes are fun, but I want to find one who can equal me in most if not all areas or at least can be complementary. So I'm doing this 54 week challenge just to see how long I can stretch my will-power out to be.

I'm more focused on improving myself right now before I jump into something foolishly. I have to be pragmatic. I'm almost 30 so I'm not a spring chicken. I might act like I'm still 19, but I'm almost 30. But it's nice to know most people think I'm 23-26. I'm a bit vain, I'll own it. But yeah... in order for me to be good for someone else, I need to be good for myself. And then everything will more than likely fall into place.

My tongue feels like it's 85% healed so maybe I can drink again next week sometime. I am really fast at healing especially considering all the stuff I've already put my poor body through. No wrinkles or grey hairs either. That's nice to say. Maybe I'm like Clare from Heroes. It feels like that sometimes. I don't really seem to be able to die and I heal quickly considering how poor my circulation should be.

Okay... enough babbling into cyber space.

Head Over Heels

I love this song. Every time I hear it, that Donnie Darko montage plays in my head. Splendiferous! So apparently, I seem to be attracting more and more people to at least view my blog. They might not read it, but they view it. Totally inflates my ego to be way larger than it needs to be.

My cubby-mate The Binding Machine (lol) took it upon himself to become my mentor. I'm actually grateful that someone gives enough of a damn to genuinely explain things to me and break things down without making me feel like a total moron. He critiques, but not in a way that makes me feel like shit. He doesn't hover. He gives me space. And he tells me I'm doing well which really makes the world of difference. He's been awesome. Ha. I think "awesome" is his favorite word. But yeah, that's the key difference. I've gotten help from other people, some who seemed irritated and others who were actually really helpful also.

It's nice getting praise while learning. Hell, I think it makes knowledge absorb more quickly. You attribute positive things and I think that stimulates your brain hella better than criticism. I think criticism makes you more prone to shut down and be less enthusiastic about learning.

I've been talking to myself and trying to make myself more comfortable talking to people and trying to get them to at least let me quote them which could lead to a bind. My family prolly thinks I'm insane. More so than usual. But I want to go from being the shittiest rep to being one of the best. I need to prove everyone who thinks I'm a failure wrong. Not for them, but for myself. Because I convinced myself they were right. I don't need to prove anything to anyone other than myself when it comes down to it.

I just had a conversation with my best friend in the whole world, Fossett. She was the first new person I met after the first coma. We were talking about how we were both not really on the level lately and then she told me about her dude. I have my opinions of him, but as long as she's happy that's all that really matters. But we both have resigned ourselves to the fact that what's going to happen is going to happen regardless of what we say, think, and/or do. She helped me confront my current issues and told me to challenge my mind's weakness basically.

Soft core porn and high fives, Dietzel is out.

Idioteque

Bleh. In the BR with headphonws on. I'm done putting myseld out there for people who don't really care anyways. They're not bad people, but they're co-workers and we wouldn't likely interact if we didn't have to.

I've decided to stop adapting myself to other people's opinions of me. I'm almost 30. Time to start acting like an adult. I've never really had a MATURE role model to look up to. Both of my parents are overgrown children really.

If I can go for awhile with the no sex agenda, I might give up drinking eventually, too. But i'll never give up blogging. Sorry :P

Can I Do It?

Challenge: I'm going to go 13 months without sex. So no sex until 12/21/13 (I got laid right before Thanksgiving and turned it down once already so I got this)... A year after the apocalypse. Bwahahaha...


Last time I swore off sex (it was until I met a dude who respected me, no real definition of parameters), I was in a 9 year relationship after I broke my fast. This time I'm giving myself definitive parameters.

Let the games begin...


I can have sex in 54 weeks.

Til the World Ends

Soooooo... I hate December. It's not even Christmas. I dunno. Maybe this energy wouldn't be here if it wasn't the holiday. But everytime the seasons change, I'm usually out of sorts for that month. Except March. I'm usually good in March. But June, September, and December all kick my ass in their own way.

So I went to a propaganda apocalypse website. Yeah, not the brightest idea with my mind running a mile a minute without pausing to catch breath... Or process, I guess I should say. Two of my co-workers are having parties. One is a birthday and the other is a holiday party. I wasn't invited to either one. I hear everyone around me constantly talking about them, but not one single direct invite. Now, I'm a tough cookie. But that still stings a little. I don't really care enough to confront anyone about it. But my feelings are kinda hurt.

I mean, I don't even drive so even on the chance that I'd actually want to go, I probably wouldn't anyways. But it's okay. I'll be civil. I might be throwing mind-bullets at them, but with a smile on my face. Not that anyone would give a damn if they knew what my internal dialogue was. I just love how casual everyone is about it. And it's not the first time. Likely not to be the last either. I guess I'm too weird for mainstream. F*ck 'em.

I have bigger fish to fry. Besides, what would I do? Cry about not being invited to a party? This isn't kindergarten. Regardless of how some of them act. I'm having my own get together with Murphy and Ash anyways so that's something to look forward to. I'm learning the less time you spend dwelling on bullsh*t and the more you focus on the good, things tend to go in the direction you focus your energies towards.

This is just a test from The Great Beyond that the season is about kindness and goodwill. Work is work and play is play. I just look at where I was a year ago and how far I've come and from such a dark place. It's still cloudy here, but on the road of improvement. Trekking along no matter how much I stumble. Still forward motion. And that's what matters. The audience doesn't.

I had a rough weekend and beginning of the week. My mind has been running on high speed manic style and my poor thought process doesn't know yin from yang. But whenever stuff gets bad, I talk to someone and ground myself back to earth. It's funny. All of the things that I was afraid of happening 5 years ago that triggered the first "vacation" actually did end up happening in the long run of it. Not exactly as I had thought it would. But yeah... it's kinda surreal. And I'm still here to tell the tale, much to my chagrin.

So yeah, if the world does end in 16 days, bring it on. One co-worker said that when you die, that's the end of the world. Your world. That's something I cam to on myself on Monday. It was funny hearing it said out loud and not in my head. My mind has been picking up phrases and words and within about 5-10 minutes, it's being said by someone else without me having said it out loud. It's been kind of freaking me out a bit.

Kinda like 12 Monkeys style stuff. But even if the apocalypse is nigh (yes, I said nigh, lol), there's nothing I can do or say to stop it. I'm not the key to fixing things. I might be a visionary, but of what? I'm no prophet. I'm usually never right. So it matters naught. Damn, I'm spouting scholarly stuff left and right.

As far as the parties go, only one person really hurts my feelings in the situation. He's very similar to my ex-roommate Greg. It's kinda creepy. But they're both very different. It's just eerie. I've been nothing but nice to him. And he's just been outright... I dunno. Oh well... It's not really worth my breath. That's why I just typed it and vented in my blog. Like every other passive-aggressive nerd.

Letterman in the background

Well, i'm blogging from the couch on my phone. So this might be short.

Yeah, no.

Laterzzzzzzz...

Under Pressure

I'm not too observant really. But when I hone in on something, it will not LEAVE MY BRAINSSSSSSSS!!!!!! Sorry. I'm kinda being stalked. It's okay if I know you're stalking me. Or even if I have NO FUCKING IDEA. But when it's a little bit of stalking and I know it's being done but I dunno who it is... that bothers me.

I ceased public feed on my FB. I put myself too far too much out there. I feel like in Fight Club at the end and watching it all blow up. Who wants to be my Helena Bonham Carter?

I think when I shake my shoulders like Old Christine, I'm hot sh*t.

If you know what that means, I'm sad.

I hate everyone and everything today. I keep having visions of the apocalypse and found out a friends has IDENTICAL ideas. Which means I'm either not original or I'm insane. Both are viable options. But some of this stuff... it was like she was taking this stuff straight from my mind out of my ears. It was nice not having to explain myself. And this friend is a big sister, almost mother figure to me. So I trust her. But some the stuff... Spot on.

LOLZ... "spot on" makes me giggle. If you watch The Wire, you know why.

Purgatory (I broke my code on "music title titles")

Grrrrrrrrrr.... it's fucking monday morning. It's fucking raining. Fuckitty fuck fuck fuck. It's been 5 years since I started this "new" life. Shed the old. I miss the old. Somehow, I have these weird random crazy thoughts that if you plant them all together, seem to lead to the scene of the crime.


But I'm crazy and life isn't a game of Clue.


Gah... I think life is just one giant LSD trip.

Don't Look Back In Anger

I'v noticed that more people in England/UK read my crazy rantings than do in the US. That's actually kinda awesome. G-D it I need to stop using the word awesome. Because of certain people. Since I dunno who is reading this, I need to becareful who I reference and how I reference them... lol...

2 posts in a day! Like whoa...


I sat with my friend's cat and tried to watch a movie and just couldn't sit still by myself doing that all day long or even for the length of a movie.

Ran into an old friend at Publix. It's weird, he used to be awkward and now he's actually kinda almost hot. I think it's the whole "I know I shouldn't go there" factor, lol. Boy liked me for years, like 2/3 of my life. Not going there. The fantasy of me will far outweigh the reality any day. So if any of you are worshipping me from afar, you're far better of just keeping that way.

I kinda almost want to stop being single. But then I get some crazy dreamfest about the ex and it makes me: a.) Miss him and B.) Remember what a fucking disappointment dating ends up turning out to be.

I'm so dysphoric right now. I think it's the on-set of the holidays. I'm going to make the best of it that I can and just pray to god i don't lose my job.

Androgynous Mind

Eminem songs make my heart happy. I had the chance to get laid, but I decided against it. I just got my tongue repierced for the first time since I lost it 6 years to today. I went with Ash. (I'm referring to everyone as their surname... 10 dollar word.)


Holy shit I don't remember it hurting this much. But I was on a lot of pills back then. I have Biotene and advil liquigels. I'm just wondering how long it's going to take my parents to notice what I've done. Heh. I totally fell through with a commitment for once. A stupid one, but it makes me happy. Painful at first. As all commitments usually are...

I had a weird dream about Mike last night. I'm still too hung up on his stupid pathetic ass. I need to stop, drop and roll.


Fuck, I hate everything right now>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Next Day (Sunday)

I have been having very strange, very vivid dreams about my ex all week now and it's really fucking bothering me. I'm finally starting to get over him and then my sub-conscience is not letting me. Maybe it's because it's the year anniversary of him moving to his new place and me moving back here.

I still love him. I still miss him. I'm finally accepting that a part of me will always feel that way and that it's okay to feel that way about someone you spent a big chunk of your life with. I've known him for half of my life. That's gonna be a slow healing scar. But the good thing is I do feel myself healing and letting go.

My solitary follower suggested that my using music titles would make for more hits for my blog. I never even thought of that, but that's kinda cool. And makes sense. But I'm not sure all of my music is too mainstream or relevant. Bleh... I'm not really all that original, so that's a bit pompouse.

Whatever. If you're bored enouh to read my nonsense, I want you to know it is appreciated. Now I am on a mission for Ben & Jerry's to soothe this poor tongue.