Obstacle 1

::sigh:: What I had been finally waiting as the other shoe to drop has finally dropped. I was fired from my job. I knew this was going to happen. I just feel so shitty. But I didn't like my job one bit whatsoever. I didn't have any real friends there. I sucked at trying to sell stuff. It wasn't my fit. I'm just sad because it was a really good company to work for and could have been a career. But in all honesty, I didn't see myself with some awesome position. My future feels so uncertain.

I'm so erratic and unstable. I feel like a ship in the midst of a hurricane. Up, down, side to side.... dip-slope, crawl-peak. I literally vomitted because I feel myself getting physically ill stressing out about this. And everyone is afraid because they don't know what I'm going to do. I'm a bit unpredictable. I'm the Wildcard, bitches!!!

I'll admit... I had some scary uncertain thoughts and they still cross my mind. I'm laughing one minute and crying the next. But this isn't going to make or break me. I talked to my counselor and we decided that I might need to go in for a tune up. I'm not repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result. I'm just glad I wasn't crazy for feeling as emotional and jarred as I have this week. But I can't continue like this and remain okay. This is too shaky and erratic for me to be comfortable with these kind of mood swings. They're more like mood jolts. I'm gonna get whiplash if I don't do something.

I'm checking into a good Bin tomorrow while I still have the insurance to do it. I'm going recalibrate and tweak my brain so it's relatively functional again. Part of me wants to prove everyone wrong. But another part of me wants to give into their thoughts BECAUSE that's what they expect and think of me. But I'm better than that. I'm rallying against the grain.

So I guess it's not such a bad thing that I wasn't included to go to the parties. Because those people weren't really my friends. and they never will be. As for me? I'm not going to repeat past behavior.

I hope.