I'm worth it

I've decided to take a sabbatical. From this blog. For a month. And from meaningless boring sex until I find a man worth giving my whole self to. Test of endurance. Challenge accepted.

This blog may be temporarily out of service...

I gave the link to someone who doesn't deserve it and now I feel self-conscious. Temporarily suspended. But you know me... I'll prolly be back in a week.

Faretheewell

Not the name of a song for this blog this time. Prolly is, but I'm not listening to it. It's to Ocean. She's been trying to project her nonsense on me for the past two weeks and I'm not having it. I told her not to post about drugs and such on my facebook. But she just kept talking her hippie bullshit about what a long strange trip it's been...

Not that I'm saying it hasn't. It has been a long strange trip. But when I directly ask you not to talk about that on a public forum that people I work with see and warn you not to do it or else I will block and ban you, you should take me a little seriously. And she's bringing up shit I repeatedly apologized for and then tells me "Good luck coping when your dad dies..." I told her thanks, that I would prolly need it. And she continues to carry on.

First time she's texted me or cared about anything. But of course, it's because no one else wants to listen to her carry on. And I'm done trying to appease her. Realistically, she hasn't been a real friend in 6 years. So this is a cut that isn't going to hurt me too much. Should have been done when she told me she was posing for GWF in her bathing suit right before the 10th year high school reunion. So, I'm done. My mother was right. She's bad vibes.

Went back and looked at my LJ. The original blog. Before blogs were blogs. Whoa. That shit was intense. I see now some of the stuff I said and did was a little... insane. But I was 19. I didn't know better. And also there's the one I read from the last time GWF and I slept together. I described that pretty well. I could be a novelist maybe after all lol.

A part of me still feels bad. But her incessant texting to me a full half hour nonstop after I deleted her crap just keeps proving to me that all the stuff she's saying about me is what she must really feel about herself. This isn't Festivus, it's St. Patrick's Day. So I'm not going to air all of my grievances. But faretheewell...

Marquee Moon

Whew... this week was a doozie. I knew it would be though. Fucking time change and seasonal equinox. People don't realize that everything is relative unless they step back and look at the big picture. Even I (Miss Hypersensitive) don't always see it until it's all happened. We all get so caught up in the little details to the point that we don't see it all connecting as a whole. Which makes us disjoint and disrupt the harmony that should be flowing. But it is what it is. It makes life a lot less predictable.

Work is crazy. I just finally connected everything that I'm supposed to be doing as far as my job goes and there's a big change in my department going on at the moment. I'm pretty quiet and observant for the most part. I know my place. I need to stay there. I can't get pompous and arrogant. That has always been my downfall. It's just lame with the negativity that some people have about the situation. Nothing is ever permanent. People have no idea or care how much their energy affects others' until the bad after-effects kick in. I had a friend who started, but I don't think she was getting the hang of it. I referred her during my first week and only did it because I knew she needed a job and I wanted to help her out. I had no idea what all it was to do myself. I feel bad. I let her down and I let the company down.

Under Pressure

Wow... just found out something interesting about the switch and shift of stuff at work. But it makes sense. I guess. It'll be a good change I think. Won't know for sure until it happens. Kinda makes me sad for stupid reasons, but I'll get over it. Dapper has a good energy and I think our team might need it. We shall see. I'm learning quickly that it's best to be adaptable when it comes to this job. But really, it's good to be adaptable in most situations. Just don't let people steamroll over your soul.

I'm trying to veer away from the negativity. It's just been hitting me hard this past two weeks. But it's just giving me more drive to strive to be better and not let it bog me down. It just all seems to hit at once. But what could have been negative at work has really been pushing me to be better and I've been pushing myself to try harder and succeeding for the most part. My problem in the past was just giving up too easily, but I'm gonna fight for this. It's my livelihood. And it's the most feasible path to help me get out of the rut I've been stuck in for what seems to be forever. I just have to remember that my spirit is strong and keep taking it higher instead of just settling for "not good enough" and being discouraged and stuck.

The negative things in my personal life... Ocean and my "friend"... I can't focus on that. It's not important to me. The thing with my "friend" isn't and was never anything of substance. It was just a thing of convenience. And it's not convenient for me anymore. And I'm worth more than just meaningless sex. I'm cheapening myself and I want something more. The last time I had this realization, I held out for GWF and that was a good thing for the first few years. So I know I'm capable of self-respect and putting value on my body/mind/spirit. I just can't give into my weakness for physicality. But to be honest, he's a selfish "lover" and I'm not enjoying it anymore, never really did. I just liked feeling wanted. So why put myself through all of the turmoil?

As far as Ocean goes... she has referred to me as a "best friend" recently but I think she says that to me just to make me think i feel special. I really doubt she says that I'm her "best friend" unless she thinks it will connect her to someone or something she wants. She said that she told the latest dude she's lusting after that her "best friend" is a Libra, too (because this dude is), but I don't feel any truth to those words. I think all the negativity she inflicted on McCollum was shifted to me when he wouldn't deal with her anymore and it's just clouded our friendship since that series of events. She doesn't understand boundaries and respects them even less. And I can't have an honest conversation with her about this because she gets so defensive and offended and turns it on me and makes me feel more like shit for just being honest about things that mean a lot less than this.

I just basically feel used and taken for granted. And I'm done letting people do that to me anymore. I'm worth more than that. I'm finally realizing this. I'm not in high school anymore and I just have this sinking feeling that my friendship with her will never surpass that stage. Fossett and I talked about how we're so glad to have one another after all of this time. Because while we've butted heads, we can both level it down to us both being volatile bitches sometimes and that we need to get over our own egos. This is why I value her friendship more than ever. We've grown as people and our friendship has progressed with that growth. We don't always fight about things. And we both humble ourselves to admit the possibility of being wrong.

I was telling Ryb that I used to always have to be right. And I did. And as I've grown older, I've learned that it's not always a horrible thing to admit that I'm wrong sometimes. I don't always have to be right. And when I'm wrong, I try to admit it. And I try to learn something from it. And it's a good thing I'm not always right. The world would be such a more fucked up place if everything I thought was right about really was correct. I like being proven wrong in some situations. Not always, but it's good to have some humility and resist the urge to be a pompous, arrogant asshole. Lord knows I've worn that hat a few times.

I'm grasping for my inner peace. I know I'll have it when I don't feel the need for it so much. Because it will be there. I'm looking forward to the session on Wednesday night. I do a lot of free association as it is and maybe EMDR is the right way to do it with focus in the right direction rather than going every which way with it. That tends to kinda drive me insane when it's misdirected. I need to read and hone in on the things worth my time and energy instead of throwing glass boxes at brick walls just to see my sanity shatter.

This week is going to be a good week. It'll only be as good as the effort I put into it.

Hallelujah (Rufus Wainwright version)

Okay. Now that I'm less peeved about the Ocean situation (I confronted her and said what I needed to say, no drama but not repressing my feelings either), I can recount my weekend in detail.

Friday night I went to see a co-worker play in one of his bands. We'll call him Dapper. He's a cool guy. One of the TL's. I think he has a small crush on me, but it's innocent enough. Casual flirtation is fun. He plays the drums and quite well. I was impressed and enjoyed the show. It was at Burro Bar. I'd never been there. Tried Purple Haze (a beer, not the plant). Saw other co-workers. I'm not in the loop with them other than smoke breaks. Honestly, I dunno if half of them even know my name. But I'm still new, so I'm not offended. Ryb and her dude let me tag along with them. It was good times. Saw my "friend" after. Perfect timing.

Went to the Celtic Fest Saturday. Scored $40 VIP passes for $10 bucks on the first day which gave us good bathrooms and a free second day. Just missed out on the free shirts and tokens, but that's okay. Bought a lot of shiny things and a new purse and a dress that will be perfect for St. Paddy's. Murphy came along with me and Dad and Dad let us go do our thing. Perfect timing. I only had a cider and a shot of whiskey and was cool with that. I had a pretty sparkly green shamrock wreath in my hair and looked ridiculously cute in my little plaid skirt. Got free beads without showing my boobs. Good times.

Sunday, we went to the Festival again with Murphy's mom. That was fun, too. I didn't spend the insane amount of money I did on Saturday. Bought another dress. Got a pimp fedora and wrapped my shamrock glittery green wreath around the crown. Haggled a flower wreath for $10 instead of $12. Got Irn-bru both days. Cream soda. From Scotland. Their commercials on YouTube are hilarious. Got some sparkly stuff to pin my hair to the side with my new mature side part look I've been sporting these days. Didn't have a single alcoholic drink Sunday.

But yeah, I had a fun weekend. And then after my last post, I said what I needed to say to Ocean. That basically I'm sick of just being her go-to when no one else will listen to her nonsense. She's gaining her independence by doing the same things she's done in every other city... Drugs, boys, and stupid Song Pop. Real way to expand your mind. But when I have a silly crush (and not on the person she thinks I'm still holding onto from years ago), she just shoots it down and tells me to live in reality. I do more now than she ever has in her whole life. If she wants to get by living off of drugs, that's her prerogative. I've expanded my mind plenty... with lots of hot air. And now with that vast amount of space I have in my mind from the prior expansion I've already done, I'm trying to replace all those burned synapses with feelings and accomplishments and knowledge. But all she can focus on is insignificant bullshit. I told her that maybe we should maintain our space from each other until she can be a positive person in my life. If that's even possible. I still hold onto hope for her. But we all know I'm an optimistic idiot. I just need space from her and her passive aggressive manipulation. Because I can feel her dragging me down that path with her and that's a cycle I'm steering away from.

My goal this year is to break some of the old patterns that have stagnated my progress. And I've been doing well. I stick to my commitments. I'm budgeting better. I'm going out and being social and opening up to people again. I thought I was doing well last year, but they were the pre-cursors I think. The baby steps that are leading to strides of success. My life is going in the right direction. I just need to keep the momentum and not be afraid of success and not be afraid to let go of my fear. Face things head on and keep trucking until I get to the place I need to be. And then maintain my happiness. Upkeep. Don't get so comfortable that I stop putting my effort forth. And always do the best I can within my abilities... maybe even strive for better. No perfection is expected. Just sustenance. And I can do it!

Wonderboy

Had a good weekend. Did the Celtic Festival in St. Auggie. Spent an obscene amount of money, but it went to hand crafted things and small business vendors. So it's okay. I will rationalize just about anything. It's kinda scary.

So there's a new form of passive-aggression on FB. It's these stupid little cartoons. Bitstrips. Some of them are funny and lighthearted. But Ocean... well, she is who she is. And for some reason she feels threatened by me. I'm not going into it on public forum. This is not LiveJournal and I'm not the same person I once was. But damnit... the stuff she tags me in gets seen by more than just me. And that kinda pisses me off. But I feed it just as much as she does which makes me no better. But yeah...

It's weird. I feel like I manifest certain things into happening when I go back and look at my trends and then the series of events that go on and the time frames. It makes me a bit paranoid. It disconcerts me. But I'm just gonna chock it up to being more in tuned to certain things and let it rest. My poor brain has a hard enough time processing day to day shit. I don't need to think about shit that doesn't affect me directly. I'll look at it 6 weeks from now. Ha.

I need to step up my game at work. They took me aside and talked to me about it. The first thing I did was dispose of my "escape route". I told the counselor about said disposal, but not the reason for disposal. I can't take the easy way out. It's not worth it. Anything worth having doesn't really come easy anyways. You can't value it if you didn't work a lil bit for it.

The traffic on my blog is up. I dunno if it's because I went back and read a lot of it and it registered as traffic (which it shouldn't). I know of one other person who's read it recently, but I dunno if said person read that much of my nonsensical babbling. And now it makes me think Ocean is going to read it. Not that I talk about her very much in it. I have my own life to live and she isn't very much a part of it anymore. It is what it is.  But now I read a lot of the stuff that has high traffic on it, and I could see how my over-generalization could be misconstrued. And how some stuff... yeah, my timing is just fucking creepy. I wish I was more off. I'll just try to trick my mind into thinking I have no idea of what I'm talking about.

Lua

I'm a little irked about something. If nothing else, I'm upfront. And confrontational. A little less abrasive. But things haven't really changed too much. I'm more myself now than I ever was... ever maybe. But I think people misunderstand me. I try to be as open and honest as possible.

I have changed over the years, but my core self is true. If I am interested in pursuing someone, I try to avoid them. I don't put myself out as a friend. Because I am bad news jeans romantically. If I am truly interested in someone, I try to avoid them at all costs nowadays. Which is hard for me right now. And I'm not very good at emotionally multitasking. So when I crush on someone, it's kinda intense and hardcore. But when I'm done with it, I'm done with it.

But that's okay. People don't always understand me. The man who has my attention right now is someone I see everyday. I know it's a bad idea for a few reasons. But I've had a crush on him for a solid month now. I know nothing would ever come of it. And if it did... well, it won't.

Ocean confronted me about a former crush. The person I thought was dead. I am fond of him, but it's only because he seems similar to me. Which means I know that any possibility of romance would be a disaster. Plus that would be infringing on her territory. But somehow, I knew this conversation was going to take place. I'm not sure what prompted it, maybe he did. But while she has infringed on my space before, I have a code of honor. Not like I haven't dates a friend's ex before. I have. But I don't pursue after people who still have active feelings for each other. That's tacky. She's even done it to me in situations. Whether she'll admit it or not or even realizes that she has... well, that's her problem. Not mine anymore. The past is the past. Can't hold onto bitterness or anger or else I'll spiral downward again. But what was a small crush 5 years ago is some monumental thing to her. And maybe it's her own guilt of her own things she's done in the past that she's projecting onto me. But it kinda pisses me off. I can't control others' feelings. Nor would I want that burden.

I have a weak spot for sensitive men. But all in all, I want a man who is driven and can match my level of intensity. I spent 8 years of my life with what I thought I wanted, but he lacked the drive and stability that I need and crave. I'm almost 30 now... I don't want the same things I wanted 5 years ago.

I compartmentalize my life quite nicely right now. I have a "friend" that I see for my physical needs. I have my secret schoolgirl crush. I still love my ex, but I've learned that we're both probably better people while we're not even near each other. Just because I'm fond of someone doesn't mean I'm going to give them a blow job on sight. I do possess self-control.

Okay, I have vented. And if I lose friends out of this, so be it. I'm just keeping it real.

Cactus (Pixies)

Gah... I've been slacking on my posting. But it's kinda a good thing. I've been living my life instead of posting about how depressing it is. It feels good. And I've been writing in my sparkly blue journal. Nothing beats the lovely feeling of ink flowing from a pen from your hand and gliding on a piece of paper. But I'm old school. And somewhat a bit of an exhibitionist. So I have to find a happy medium.

Well, I found out that someone that I thought was dead isn't dead. I somehow knew he wasn't, given the melodramatic source. I searched obituaries even, that's how much it shook me. I very barely know him, but he touched my heart like a rare few have. But instead of being pissed off about being misled like the old me would have, I am just glad to have peace of mind that such a good soul is still amongst the living.

I guess I have grown over the years. There's another dude who has my attention, but I'm fighting it. I may have mentioned him in previous posts. The more I learn about him, the more I'm intrigued. But it's bad idea jeans. Really. But it's fun to have a crush. I just have to watch it. I can be a little too eager sometimes. And this is a situation that it would not be good to move too fast into. It's a situation I should keep strictly surface. Seriously.

So I guess I'm left to roam the earth alone, like the hulk. But that's okay. I'm accountable only to myself. It's best that way.