Lua

I'm a little irked about something. If nothing else, I'm upfront. And confrontational. A little less abrasive. But things haven't really changed too much. I'm more myself now than I ever was... ever maybe. But I think people misunderstand me. I try to be as open and honest as possible.

I have changed over the years, but my core self is true. If I am interested in pursuing someone, I try to avoid them. I don't put myself out as a friend. Because I am bad news jeans romantically. If I am truly interested in someone, I try to avoid them at all costs nowadays. Which is hard for me right now. And I'm not very good at emotionally multitasking. So when I crush on someone, it's kinda intense and hardcore. But when I'm done with it, I'm done with it.

But that's okay. People don't always understand me. The man who has my attention right now is someone I see everyday. I know it's a bad idea for a few reasons. But I've had a crush on him for a solid month now. I know nothing would ever come of it. And if it did... well, it won't.

Ocean confronted me about a former crush. The person I thought was dead. I am fond of him, but it's only because he seems similar to me. Which means I know that any possibility of romance would be a disaster. Plus that would be infringing on her territory. But somehow, I knew this conversation was going to take place. I'm not sure what prompted it, maybe he did. But while she has infringed on my space before, I have a code of honor. Not like I haven't dates a friend's ex before. I have. But I don't pursue after people who still have active feelings for each other. That's tacky. She's even done it to me in situations. Whether she'll admit it or not or even realizes that she has... well, that's her problem. Not mine anymore. The past is the past. Can't hold onto bitterness or anger or else I'll spiral downward again. But what was a small crush 5 years ago is some monumental thing to her. And maybe it's her own guilt of her own things she's done in the past that she's projecting onto me. But it kinda pisses me off. I can't control others' feelings. Nor would I want that burden.

I have a weak spot for sensitive men. But all in all, I want a man who is driven and can match my level of intensity. I spent 8 years of my life with what I thought I wanted, but he lacked the drive and stability that I need and crave. I'm almost 30 now... I don't want the same things I wanted 5 years ago.

I compartmentalize my life quite nicely right now. I have a "friend" that I see for my physical needs. I have my secret schoolgirl crush. I still love my ex, but I've learned that we're both probably better people while we're not even near each other. Just because I'm fond of someone doesn't mean I'm going to give them a blow job on sight. I do possess self-control.

Okay, I have vented. And if I lose friends out of this, so be it. I'm just keeping it real.