Landlocked Blues

I am happy. Almost. I have a job. I have a "friend" that comes through 80% of the time. I like the way I look for the most part. I got my fancy phone.

I need to move out of my parents' place. My back is all messed up. I'm totally investing in a good mattress.

But you know me. I want a real boyfriend eventually. I finally feel ready and healed enough to give myself to someone again. I kinda want to spare anyone the baggage that comes with this warm mess though.

Don't You (Forget About Me)

I'm sorry. I'm supposed to get on the ground and thank you and kiss your feet. Because everything I've already expressed before doesn't count over. I have to bow down and kiss your pathetic ass everyday because you're THAT fucking miserable. It doesn't matter that I'm actually taking the initiative to do something with myself unlike my sibling. That I'm actually trying to get my act together. That the reason you want me to bend over backwards and kiss your ass is because I actually have a job to go to rather than just bum cigarrettes off of you and drink your alcohol and feel sorry for myself.

I had a screwed up reality check today. That nothing is really going to make me better short of electroshock other than my willingness to want change. So my doctor spared me a bunch of bullshit and basically told me that in other words, unless I want awful side effects with no promise of relief of what's really going on in the first place. I'm sorry. I'm not going to bend over and kiss your ass after having to hear that.

I literally told my shrink that I wish I could just give him my brain, some rubber bands, and duct tape and tell him to MacGuyver this shit. Then I told him my fears of electroshock. He kinda told me in a way that I was right. And well... you know that familiar theme... "You take the good, you take the bad you take it all and there you have the facts of life..." You get the gist. I'm gonna try this EMDR thing. It really sounds kinda like a mild form of brainwashing, but truthfully everything is in some form or another.

I'm seriously looking forward to working long days. Less time I'm here. And I'm sorry, but they don't do anything when anything is broken except subject themselves to having to adjust to the discomfort of things instead of actually fixing them and making life better. THIS is why I am so fucked up. My brain has just maladjusted to all the fucked up shit in my life to the point where it's so fucked up, I have to use medication and therapy to function normally. Can I thank my parents for that, too? And should they ever stumble upon this, they can pride themselves in my ability to bitch so eloquently. I live by example... setting a bad one and following worse.

Candy Girl ::salma hayek stripper song from Dogma::

Today was awesome. I totally did the most today than I've done any other day since I've started. I really like my job. Of course, I'll prolly bitching tomorrow. That's just how I roll. One DC actually gave me praise for helping him send out 2 deals. Then there's the one who I think just dreads when I get on the line. No worries though. You win some, you lose some.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. I think Ale House might be a payday ritual. And I'm renting a room Saturday night for my "friend". That will be fun. I need a night to just go wild and unwind. I dunno if he can handle it. I'm so uptight. I just keep it all in mostly. So I hope I can get some release.  This blog is a step towards all of that. Plus my written journal, blue and all sparkly. All the really intimate stuff goes in that thing. Not that there's much to divulge. I totally almost doubled my transfers between 5-8. I had 9 regular when they turned the board off and I asked CON what I had by the end of the day and it was 18, 17 of them real.

It's nice to take pride in myself and not feel like a miserable failure. I didn't really start to feel good about myself until this past two weeks. But I feel fucking fantastic. I don't have the time to think about past failure. I just have to focus on being and doing the best I can. The rest just falls into place. I'm gonna hit standard goal this week, if not get the commission goal. I got this. I hope.

I just need to keep myself as busy as I possibly can. And keep striving to do my best. And start saving up to GTFO of my parents' place. Couch surfing for a year and a half almost... really 2 years if you count my attempt to move back in in 2011.

I miss GWF. But I gotta let it go. I just don't have the closure I want in that situation. And I have to accept that I may never get it. I don't really deserve it. As much as he fucked up, I was worse. I'm not going to sit in denial of that. Maybe if I hadn't kept up with The Narwhal, I'd have more reason to be upset. But now, both of them are out of my life. And I'm a happier and better woman for it. Maybe a slight bit bitter about some of it. But it's my own doing really.

Lord, I'm gonna go lay down and read more of my book.

Aeroplane

Well, I said I might quit writing for a little bit. But you know me... And if I don't blog, I'll just trash up everyone's news feed with my nonsense on FB. This is safer and a bit more anonymous. I like that illusion.

It's weird. I see myself as attractive now. I've gotten a few complimets that made me feel cute and all. Even on Valentine's Day. Because I was fucking adorable. But I keep having dreams of GWF and Greg. Last night I had a few vivid dreams. I dreamed of them, I dreamed about saving feral cats, and I had another dream but I can't remember it.

I'm doing well at work. Next week, I'm gonna do better. I feel it. Push it to the limit... LIMIT! Like that song from Scarface and South Park. Insert montage of me talking on the phone at work. I'm such a nerd.

McRyb said she'd be my roommate. That's kinda pretty cool. I like her a lot. She's wise for her age. This job thing is changing my life. It makes me feel good about myself. I get compliments. I've even made friends. It's not what I've been doing, but it incorporates things I've done, so I don't feel out of place or horrifically awkward. I'm always awkward, but I rock that shit.

Might take a break

I have decided to put this blog on hold. I'll be back eventually :)

Gravity Rides Everything

Well, the past two nights I've been hanging out, I've been losing my cigs lol... I have an awesome new friend from work. Her nickname is McRyb so that's how I'll refer to her. We bonded pretty quickly. She started about the same time I did. She's cute. I'd try to hook her up with my brother, but she's got a boyfriend and my bro's kinda weird and crazy. I already have a hard time keeping friends sometimes so I don't need to add that factor into it.

It's so nice to actually feel like I belong somewhere. I have friends at work who are just as quirky as I am. It's nice. Everyone at SF was so straightlaced and uptight it seemed. I don't feel like I have to put too much of a front up here at the new place. Went out to the new Ale House by work after I got off on Friday and got pretty smashed with McRyb and a few others. It was entertaining. I think that might be my new thing to do on paydays. We'll see. I got referred to as Sweet Dee. I dig it.

It's just strange. My life went so far off track. And now I'm happy again. It was exactly as decade ago that Gingered Wonderfag and I fell in love. I was so afraid I'd see him when I went to Walmart. But mission was a success and I didn't see him. Score! I even bought some leggings so I can wear my dresses that are just slightly too short to work. That's half of my wardrobe lol. If you had told me 15 years ago that my life would end up like this, I would have laughed at you and maybe punched your face. Even 5 years ago. But I'm genuinely happy.

My goal is to do better this week. I started inbounds on Friday. I'm gonna try to get a hot key to use when I answer the phones because hitting line 1 while you're on line one doesn't pick up another line. I learned that the hard way. That and to make sure I'm not on mute when I answer the phone. Yeah. I'm kinda speshul.

I heard some stuff about the dude I'm kinda into. Makes me more intrigued when I know I shouldn't give it a second thought. In fact, I should be kinda disgusted. But then again, if some people heard about some of the things I've done... well... yeah.

I mean, hell... I listen to Ke$ha. That alone tells you i'm a lil bit trashy... lol. But yeah... I'm thinking my karma is gonna be good. I volunteered to work late for someone on Valentine's Day. I have my lil frog on my desk that will turn into a prince. I have my "friend" but that's not going anywhere really. I like him enough, but we'll see. I'm just prolly gonna pop a xanax or two and just relax. I'm not gonna stress out about my love life right now. It's not very important. I'm happy being single for now. It leaves me with options. I have my friend and the schoolgirl crush I have at work and I'm good.

I bought a sparkly little notebook to write in while I'm at lunch. With sparkly gel pens. I'm such a girl it makes me even puke sometimes.

Stuck Inside Mobile With The Memphis Blues Again

Gah. I'm starting to feel the pressure at work, but i'm not getting discouraged. I can't. I have to have a firm backbone and not take anything personally, whether it's calls or management. It's just a job. And I like it. So I'm going to put the "e" in effort and try my best.

I won't be the cause of my own failure. Not anymore. I have to prove my own worth and keep the fire under my ass. And I know I can do it. This is where I can utilize things in my favor instead of letting it trip my ass up like I'm prone to do.

I'm gonna ask if I can stay late to beef up my stats. I have expectations to live up to. I try to keep my cool, but for some reason I believe i'm going to be screaming about underpants gnomes by the end of today. But it's worth it. I want my space and a fur baby.

It's strange. 2 months ago I was going to kill myself. Now I'm a point of comfort for a few people who are going through a tough time. It's so strange. I'm trying to be a good point of contact and support. It's important to have that when you're going through a rough time. I know all too well.

I'm going to try to quit smoking again. Prolly not til after tax season though. I need my break in the oasis. I should try to spend half of my lunch reading instead of blogging and chain smoking. That will be my first step in the process.

My counselor said it's better to set realistic goals. That makes them more attainable. And makes it so that I'm less likely to fail. And that makes me less likely to be so harsh on myself. Which I figure will make me less self-destructive. Woot. I can finally think rationally!

My Life

Grrrrrrr... I have the ear infection from hell. It's been raging cuntstically in my left ear for almost a month now. I made an apppointment for friday morning since I get paid. I'd go now if I could afford it.

I'm starting to stress at work. I'm not as good as I wish I was. I'll do better once I get inbound. I just hate not being the best. And my fucking ear just hurts and gives me vertigo so i'm in a piss poor mood on top of being discouraged.

Exactly a decade ago, I was falling in love for the first time. My heart hurts just thinking about it. So I keep trying not to think about it. But you know me. The more I try to avoid it, the more it's on my mind. So i'm letting myself feel it and trying to let it go rather than pretending it's not there and let it build up.

This is going to be hard, but i'm going to avoid altering the feelings recreationally with chemicals. It doesn't fix anything. I saw my "friend" last night. I like him, but why screw up something that's already okay?

Because i'm never happy with "okay"... It either has to be epic win or epic fail. That's my fucking problem. I have to accept mediocre or else i'm going to continue hating my life and myself. It's okay not to be perfect and it's good that everything hasn't gone to utter shit. I have to accept the mediums in life or i'm just going to set myself up for failure. It's almost like I crave it, this failure.

I'm still rebuilding my life. And it's okay if everything doesn't happen at one time. I have to remember it's not worth having unless you work for it. And my shit's gonna be awesome. Or it might just be okay. But it's gonna be mine and that's what really matters.