Don't You (Forget About Me)

I'm sorry. I'm supposed to get on the ground and thank you and kiss your feet. Because everything I've already expressed before doesn't count over. I have to bow down and kiss your pathetic ass everyday because you're THAT fucking miserable. It doesn't matter that I'm actually taking the initiative to do something with myself unlike my sibling. That I'm actually trying to get my act together. That the reason you want me to bend over backwards and kiss your ass is because I actually have a job to go to rather than just bum cigarrettes off of you and drink your alcohol and feel sorry for myself.

I had a screwed up reality check today. That nothing is really going to make me better short of electroshock other than my willingness to want change. So my doctor spared me a bunch of bullshit and basically told me that in other words, unless I want awful side effects with no promise of relief of what's really going on in the first place. I'm sorry. I'm not going to bend over and kiss your ass after having to hear that.

I literally told my shrink that I wish I could just give him my brain, some rubber bands, and duct tape and tell him to MacGuyver this shit. Then I told him my fears of electroshock. He kinda told me in a way that I was right. And well... you know that familiar theme... "You take the good, you take the bad you take it all and there you have the facts of life..." You get the gist. I'm gonna try this EMDR thing. It really sounds kinda like a mild form of brainwashing, but truthfully everything is in some form or another.

I'm seriously looking forward to working long days. Less time I'm here. And I'm sorry, but they don't do anything when anything is broken except subject themselves to having to adjust to the discomfort of things instead of actually fixing them and making life better. THIS is why I am so fucked up. My brain has just maladjusted to all the fucked up shit in my life to the point where it's so fucked up, I have to use medication and therapy to function normally. Can I thank my parents for that, too? And should they ever stumble upon this, they can pride themselves in my ability to bitch so eloquently. I live by example... setting a bad one and following worse.