Remember, my posts are song titles playing on random not relevant events or anything. But they still kinda ring true. Today was the last day of November... 3rd Friday of the month. Already gone through my paycheck almost. Drinking cherry vodka mixed with cranberry-pomegranate. Very stellar combination.
I used the word strategery today at work. Which isn't even really a word. But I used it with the boss. Which is kinda awesome, but I have low standards. My dad warned me Bitch-mom (not my name for her, mind you) is drinking beer tonight.
Ugh... I'm amusing myself with my own little "isms" that even piss me off even though I don't on to the people I annoy them with. I'm thinking of piercing my tongue tomorrow. It'll be 6 years to the day I lost the barbell for it.And that very same day, my grandmother died. And I got fired from ACC. I wish everyone there tomorrow wouyld spontaneously die.
I just spoke to my Yo. That's how I will refer to her. She's always been my Yo since we were strolling on the road at 2am meeting under the overpass tot ell each other about the crazy adventures we'd have on our own if we weren't having them together. I'm such a hypocrite when it comes to her sometimes. But I have to sometimes stop feeling so much and look at things objectively. I'm just so G-D emotional that I get too caught up in stuff that doesn't matter.
We're all a part of everything. Just keep your socks dry. Even Lt. Dan said so. Maybe I'll watch Forrest Gump to sleep to tonight. I just got mad love for everyone who loves me. And even for some of them I've driven to hate me. I'm slightly drunk, but that's just how I flow, baby.
No worries. I'll be sleeping in an hour (hopefully).
Friday, November 30, 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
simplicity
I just sit in front of a computer. I either cry inwardly, outwardly, or through my fingers and onto the screen.
I am a pathetic shell of what I once was.
I'm thankful some people look past that and still seem to bear me. A lot have jumped ship and I don't really blame any one of them.
I am a pathetic shell of what I once was.
I'm thankful some people look past that and still seem to bear me. A lot have jumped ship and I don't really blame any one of them.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
I've heard there was a secret chord that David played, and it pleased the Lord, but you don't really care for music, do you?
Today was Thanksgiving. I have a funny feeling about this holiday. It was Thanksgiving 2000 when I last saw my Grandmother as her real self. It was Thanksgiving 2007 I tried to really commit suicide, like balls to the wall attempt. Obviously, my balls aren't as big as I'd like to think because I'm still here to tell the tale. Last Thanksgiving, my dad just had a stent placed in both his thighs and I had to call an ambulance for Mike because he overdid it on my Adderall.
I remember for almost 10 years I'd have two Thanksgivings.... one with Mike's family and we'd stop by my family's place until a dish was broken or someone got too drunk. I don't have that escape anymore. Which is fine. I feel closer to my family now than maybe I ever did. Except my mom. My mother and I have always and will always have a strained relationship. I've acceopted this. I can't do anything about it. She's jealous of me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but she is. She has no reason to be. I wish t wasn't the case. But I can't change her, only she can.
No one should really be jealous of anyone for any reason. We should celebrate each other instead. Envy is so negative. We should want to work towards being more like someone we admire rather than hate and be jealous of what we don't feel we can live up to.
No one lives up to their true potential. That's why we should help each other up when we're down or reach down to pick someone up when we're at a high point, so we can share those experiences rather than just shit on people because they aren't what we expect them to be. Because those are our selfish expectations, not theirs. How dare we expect someone to live up to our expectations when we can't even usually live up to our own.
So be thankful for your loves because they enhance your life. Even be thankful for your enemies because they show you what you don't want to be. Be thankful for the life you live and every breath you take. Be thankful for the tears you shed because those are your emotions. Be thankful for you faith or lack therof because those are YOUR beliefs and you have every right as an individual to have them.
Be thankful for yourself :)
I remember for almost 10 years I'd have two Thanksgivings.... one with Mike's family and we'd stop by my family's place until a dish was broken or someone got too drunk. I don't have that escape anymore. Which is fine. I feel closer to my family now than maybe I ever did. Except my mom. My mother and I have always and will always have a strained relationship. I've acceopted this. I can't do anything about it. She's jealous of me. I know that sounds ridiculous, but she is. She has no reason to be. I wish t wasn't the case. But I can't change her, only she can.
No one should really be jealous of anyone for any reason. We should celebrate each other instead. Envy is so negative. We should want to work towards being more like someone we admire rather than hate and be jealous of what we don't feel we can live up to.
No one lives up to their true potential. That's why we should help each other up when we're down or reach down to pick someone up when we're at a high point, so we can share those experiences rather than just shit on people because they aren't what we expect them to be. Because those are our selfish expectations, not theirs. How dare we expect someone to live up to our expectations when we can't even usually live up to our own.
So be thankful for your loves because they enhance your life. Even be thankful for your enemies because they show you what you don't want to be. Be thankful for the life you live and every breath you take. Be thankful for the tears you shed because those are your emotions. Be thankful for you faith or lack therof because those are YOUR beliefs and you have every right as an individual to have them.
Be thankful for yourself :)
Saturday, November 17, 2012
November Rain
Well, this has been a fairly uneventful week. Saw the FB last night. We did our thing. I had a "first" for the first time in a long time, but I'm not posting those details on the internet. I just feel like an empty shell of a person. Plus, his ex likes/comments on my facebook and it kinda fucks with my head given the situation.
I know he doesn't want anything more than sex. But I almost want more than that. And I'm debating whether I should keep this going. Because I don't want to fuck one dude and then hug another the next day. I'm not that kind of person. I could be if I decided to just forget my soul exists.
I miss Gingered Wonderfag. I know. I shouldn't. But I miss cuddling in this weather. I miss Broccoli Casserole. I miss that (fake) warm happy feeling I felt when I spent holidays with him and his family. Even though I know it was fake. It was a nice act. I really miss his grandmother more than anyone from that family. She was a little out there, but very sweet. I miss his smiles.
I still mourn the break up even though it was over 2 years ago. I really need to fucking let it go. But I've made some real progress. I don't purposely go to the sandwich shop next to his job just to catch him. I don't write him anymore letters. It just still stings that someone who I thought I was so close to could just hurt me like he did.
But if it weren't for him hurting me, I'd never have gotten back on my feet. I'd never have reconnected with the friend who had a friend that hooked me up with my job. I'd still be hoping everything I did was pleasing him. But I'm focused on pleasing everyone, myself included. Myself especially.
I know he doesn't want anything more than sex. But I almost want more than that. And I'm debating whether I should keep this going. Because I don't want to fuck one dude and then hug another the next day. I'm not that kind of person. I could be if I decided to just forget my soul exists.
I miss Gingered Wonderfag. I know. I shouldn't. But I miss cuddling in this weather. I miss Broccoli Casserole. I miss that (fake) warm happy feeling I felt when I spent holidays with him and his family. Even though I know it was fake. It was a nice act. I really miss his grandmother more than anyone from that family. She was a little out there, but very sweet. I miss his smiles.
I still mourn the break up even though it was over 2 years ago. I really need to fucking let it go. But I've made some real progress. I don't purposely go to the sandwich shop next to his job just to catch him. I don't write him anymore letters. It just still stings that someone who I thought I was so close to could just hurt me like he did.
But if it weren't for him hurting me, I'd never have gotten back on my feet. I'd never have reconnected with the friend who had a friend that hooked me up with my job. I'd still be hoping everything I did was pleasing him. But I'm focused on pleasing everyone, myself included. Myself especially.
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Born Slippy (where are the glowsticks?)
I'm seriously feeling the precipice of the fucking holiday season burning my back. I need to face it and extinguish the anguish and pain. A year ago, I was calling an ambulance for my Gingered Wonderfag because he gave himself a heart attack by taking too much of one of my meds. Not that I was a saint, but i knew my limits. Son of a Bitch (capital B) has no self-control. Maybe Rosie Meyer(s?) helps him out with that. He never had any self control when it came to anything whether it was drugs or touching himself.
Wow... That paragraph right there holds all the pent up anger and emotion I have over the situation still despite the fact that it's been over for 7 months now. And I'm a total moron. I've decided to call my fuckbuddy FB now. I think things between us need to be over. I'm starting to kinda almost care about him now. He wants me to rent a room this time. AND pay for gas. I'll do one, but not both. Sure, you can use me for sex. But that's about it, especially when you don't really make any effort. I'm not a sugar momma.
Yeah, fuck it. I'm done. I usually have a hard time saying no, but I'm gonna start making it easier on myself. I'm just gonna turn off my emotions and become a fucking robot. Because that seems to be how everyone else functions, for fuck's sake.
I'm really suppressing suicidal thoughts. I fucking hate November. Wow.... amazing what a song can do to you. This song (Born Slippy) makes me die a little bit. Fuck Gingered Wonderfag and our ex-roommate Greg. He deserves no anonymity either, but his last name is generic, it doesn't really make a point. So is Rosie, but I don't know her and have even less respect for her.
Okay, tomorrow is going to be better. This was the worst Tuesday I've had in awhile. This week is going to be a long one, I can feel it in my bones. ::sigh::
I'm gonna go cry into a couch cushion now.
Wow... That paragraph right there holds all the pent up anger and emotion I have over the situation still despite the fact that it's been over for 7 months now. And I'm a total moron. I've decided to call my fuckbuddy FB now. I think things between us need to be over. I'm starting to kinda almost care about him now. He wants me to rent a room this time. AND pay for gas. I'll do one, but not both. Sure, you can use me for sex. But that's about it, especially when you don't really make any effort. I'm not a sugar momma.
Yeah, fuck it. I'm done. I usually have a hard time saying no, but I'm gonna start making it easier on myself. I'm just gonna turn off my emotions and become a fucking robot. Because that seems to be how everyone else functions, for fuck's sake.
I'm really suppressing suicidal thoughts. I fucking hate November. Wow.... amazing what a song can do to you. This song (Born Slippy) makes me die a little bit. Fuck Gingered Wonderfag and our ex-roommate Greg. He deserves no anonymity either, but his last name is generic, it doesn't really make a point. So is Rosie, but I don't know her and have even less respect for her.
Okay, tomorrow is going to be better. This was the worst Tuesday I've had in awhile. This week is going to be a long one, I can feel it in my bones. ::sigh::
I'm gonna go cry into a couch cushion now.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Bigmouth Strikes Again
This has been a funky weekend. I did the diabetes walk yesterday. I almost made the full 5K, but as I was about a block away from the finish line, I started to feel kinda awful. I felt a low blood sugar coming across the acosta, but i thought I'd be able to make it so I just kept truckin' along. Then as I hit the last pit stop, the two ladies therte said I looked awful, so we checked my sugar and it was 45. So I had to be the VERY LAST person to cross the line and even though my sugar was up to normal, I had to be driven to the end of the route and they fussed over me. I'm not used to getting special treatment usually. I kinda like to handle things for myself nowadays. Maybe it's me trying not to slip back into the passive mindset. I'm trying to be neutral. Not aggressive or passive. Maybe a bit chaotic. But no extremities.
This Thanksgiving is going to be insane. My lady-soulmate JF is coming down from MD to spend Turkey Day with her family and she's bringing her daughters with her. They're 10 & 8 now. I remember when they were in JF's belly!!!
So we are going to wreck shop when she comes here. I <3 a="a" after="after" and="and" are="are" as="as" back="back" bad="bad" being="being" bringing="bringing" but="but" coma.="coma." date="date" differences="differences" down.="down." dude.="dude." dude="dude" dunno="dunno" ever="ever" feel="feel" first="first" for="for" glad="glad" going="going" granted.="granted." had="had" has="has" her.="her." her="her" him="him" his="his" i="i" in="in" initials="initials" just="just" kembra="kembra" lame="lame" loves="loves" m="m" me.="me." me="me" met="met" mike.="mike." more="more" nbsp="nbsp" nd="nd" never="never" new="new" of="of" oppotunity.="oppotunity." out="out" p="p" person="person" plenty="plenty" really="really" refernce="refernce" s="s" she="she" sister="sister" so="so" specifically="specifically" stabbed="stabbed" starting="starting" than="than" the="the" till="till" to="to" took="took" towards="towards" ve="ve" was.="was." was="was" we="we" what="what" when="when">
So yeah... I think things with TK are kinda over. Which is good. I don't need drama and men are just that. DRAMARAMALAMADINGDONGS. I don't want anything complex or anything. And with the stuff that's happening to me, I don't want to expose anyone to this chaotic mess while I get things back in order. fuck, I keep twitching and trancing out and this is involuntary, not after taking some drugs for fun.
This Thanksgiving is going to be insane. My lady-soulmate JF is coming down from MD to spend Turkey Day with her family and she's bringing her daughters with her. They're 10 & 8 now. I remember when they were in JF's belly!!!
So we are going to wreck shop when she comes here. I <3 a="a" after="after" and="and" are="are" as="as" back="back" bad="bad" being="being" bringing="bringing" but="but" coma.="coma." date="date" differences="differences" down.="down." dude.="dude." dude="dude" dunno="dunno" ever="ever" feel="feel" first="first" for="for" glad="glad" going="going" granted.="granted." had="had" has="has" her.="her." her="her" him="him" his="his" i="i" in="in" initials="initials" just="just" kembra="kembra" lame="lame" loves="loves" m="m" me.="me." me="me" met="met" mike.="mike." more="more" nbsp="nbsp" nd="nd" never="never" new="new" of="of" oppotunity.="oppotunity." out="out" p="p" person="person" plenty="plenty" really="really" refernce="refernce" s="s" she="she" sister="sister" so="so" specifically="specifically" stabbed="stabbed" starting="starting" than="than" the="the" till="till" to="to" took="took" towards="towards" ve="ve" was.="was." was="was" we="we" what="what" when="when">
So yeah... I think things with TK are kinda over. Which is good. I don't need drama and men are just that. DRAMARAMALAMADINGDONGS. I don't want anything complex or anything. And with the stuff that's happening to me, I don't want to expose anyone to this chaotic mess while I get things back in order. fuck, I keep twitching and trancing out and this is involuntary, not after taking some drugs for fun.
Friday, November 9, 2012
Gingered Wonderfag
After this one, I've decided that the titles of my entries are going to be the name of the songs I happen to be listening to when I start writing. I think that might make things different. Well, the origin of this title comes from a friend. This is a nickname a friend bestowed up on my ex. It literally made me LOL and really kinda brightened my mood after having a weird roller coaster week.
I've decided that it's gotta end with TK. I'm not really getting anything out of it and there's no emotional connection between us so what's the point? He doesn't even try with me because he knows he doesn't have to. He prolly already has other girls lined u for him anyways. Besides, he hasn't responded to anything I wrote him this week. So fuck the whole thing.
Work has been... weird. I've been smiling and dialing all day and I've been getting good number of dials after Wednesday's meeting. Bossman said he was going to sit next to me for an hour EVERYDAY. Not once has he EVER sat with me. I've been told I was going to get all of this training and help, but it's plain out not there. I'm documenting each day that goes by with this valuable training I'm supposed to be getting. I have co-workers that will vouch for me. The Brit (my cubbymate) has been talking me up to Bossman apparently. Which is really really nice of him. He doesn't have to make me look good. But I'm guessing he's using this as an opportunity to showcase his talents. If I can be of any help and he's helping me in return, that's perfectly fine. I just hate when people get taken advantage of or take advantage without getting some sort of kickback. But then again, that isn't really taking advantage is it? The dudes who sit by me are all really nice and seem to like me. They motivate me. Broseph and The Brit are both vouching for me and sticking up for me and the other dudes at least interact with me. It's the exact opposite of the BB squad.
JR said he might come visit me if he can get the days off and save enough up for the trip from Valdosta. Totally different than TK wanting 20 bucks for gas money just to use me as a spare hand. It kinda made my heart flutter that someone would want to see me period, but to travel 3 hours just to see me? I dunno if it's going to happen or not. Either way, just the thought alone warms my heart. It's nice to have someone want to see you and you've only met maybe a handful of times.
Tomorrow (today) is the Diabetes Walk. I went to pick up my VIP tickets and they looked really busy making grab bags. It was nice there. The girl in charge gave me the tix and hugged me. The whole shebang, tix & parking prolly worth $500. Wow.So Gingered Wonderfag and VIP tix totally made my day. That's going to be what I refer to him as for now on. Hopefully this will be the last we hear of him. But you never know... But the walk is 5k long over the Acosta and Main Bridges. Even though I have this irrational fear of bridges. Then there's an Expo afterwards at the RAM site.
Goodnight, my dears. There are a lot more of you reading unless it's the same person stalking me. You can comment and tell me who you are and that you don't want anyone to know and I'll just delete your comment after I read it. I'm just really nosey and like the idea I might have a following. This is just Phase I...
I've decided that it's gotta end with TK. I'm not really getting anything out of it and there's no emotional connection between us so what's the point? He doesn't even try with me because he knows he doesn't have to. He prolly already has other girls lined u for him anyways. Besides, he hasn't responded to anything I wrote him this week. So fuck the whole thing.
Work has been... weird. I've been smiling and dialing all day and I've been getting good number of dials after Wednesday's meeting. Bossman said he was going to sit next to me for an hour EVERYDAY. Not once has he EVER sat with me. I've been told I was going to get all of this training and help, but it's plain out not there. I'm documenting each day that goes by with this valuable training I'm supposed to be getting. I have co-workers that will vouch for me. The Brit (my cubbymate) has been talking me up to Bossman apparently. Which is really really nice of him. He doesn't have to make me look good. But I'm guessing he's using this as an opportunity to showcase his talents. If I can be of any help and he's helping me in return, that's perfectly fine. I just hate when people get taken advantage of or take advantage without getting some sort of kickback. But then again, that isn't really taking advantage is it? The dudes who sit by me are all really nice and seem to like me. They motivate me. Broseph and The Brit are both vouching for me and sticking up for me and the other dudes at least interact with me. It's the exact opposite of the BB squad.
JR said he might come visit me if he can get the days off and save enough up for the trip from Valdosta. Totally different than TK wanting 20 bucks for gas money just to use me as a spare hand. It kinda made my heart flutter that someone would want to see me period, but to travel 3 hours just to see me? I dunno if it's going to happen or not. Either way, just the thought alone warms my heart. It's nice to have someone want to see you and you've only met maybe a handful of times.
Tomorrow (today) is the Diabetes Walk. I went to pick up my VIP tickets and they looked really busy making grab bags. It was nice there. The girl in charge gave me the tix and hugged me. The whole shebang, tix & parking prolly worth $500. Wow.So Gingered Wonderfag and VIP tix totally made my day. That's going to be what I refer to him as for now on. Hopefully this will be the last we hear of him. But you never know... But the walk is 5k long over the Acosta and Main Bridges. Even though I have this irrational fear of bridges. Then there's an Expo afterwards at the RAM site.
Goodnight, my dears. There are a lot more of you reading unless it's the same person stalking me. You can comment and tell me who you are and that you don't want anyone to know and I'll just delete your comment after I read it. I'm just really nosey and like the idea I might have a following. This is just Phase I...
What a girl wants...
Remember that song? It's on my spotify. It reminds me of simpler times... Before this whole maturity thing happened. Not that I'm really mature by any means. I guess I should call it... ick... egads... adulthood. See, I still have this mentality that I'm like 19 and I don't have to worry about anything because I still live with my parents and I spend the majority of my paycheck either on medication or frivolous bullshit. Story of my life. Soft-core porn and high fives.
I had an adult moment the other day. My boss took me to his boss's office and basically laid out a performance improvement implementation. He literally asked me for my resignation. I was just in shock. But what did I do? I just repressed my emotions and went about my day. Keep calm and carry on as they say, right? They want me to be discreet about it, but I'm a shitty liar so when people asked me why I was taken to the head honcho's office, I couldn't really lie so I just pretty said we discussed my performance. I told a few people about my sup asking for my resignation. It's nice that I actually have friends at work now who give a shit and actually want me to stay. I'm really going to try harder. I finally have some better lists from some agents so those are the ones I'll place a focus on and try to get more IFR's in, too. I finally busted my bind cherry, so I feel like I can do what needs to be done. Today is make up for HO and PAP training. I hope we have the nice trainer. The other one seems to have a weird vibe towards me and I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I don't belong to the BB's. Heh... BB's.
But enough about that negativity. Tomorrow, I'm doing the walk for diabetes on the company team tomorrow. I actually won a 4 pack of VIP Jaguar tickets with a parking pass for raising over. I debated on bringing some friends, but I decided to bring my family. I figured it would be a nice outing. I just hope they behave... I'm only half-kidding.
I've found that I am starting to care about TK. We spent the night in a hotel Saturday night and we almost cuddled, but I was the one who was gunshy about it. Fucking is one thing. But cuddling is another. Cuddling is intimate. I actually made him say he'd cuddle with me when I said I'd sleep over at his place a few weeks ago. But I didn't actually think he'd go for it. It makes me wonder... But I'm not going to think too hard about it. If he calls again, so be it. If not, then it's for the best.
It would just never work between us. I'm too emotional and crazy for any man right now. Maybe after I've hit The Change and gotten rid of all the estrogen hormones in my body, then I'll be able to carry a semi-normal relationship. Right now I just want what's either too difficult to have if not impossible or things that really have no chance of really getting anywhere. But a girl can dream...
I had an adult moment the other day. My boss took me to his boss's office and basically laid out a performance improvement implementation. He literally asked me for my resignation. I was just in shock. But what did I do? I just repressed my emotions and went about my day. Keep calm and carry on as they say, right? They want me to be discreet about it, but I'm a shitty liar so when people asked me why I was taken to the head honcho's office, I couldn't really lie so I just pretty said we discussed my performance. I told a few people about my sup asking for my resignation. It's nice that I actually have friends at work now who give a shit and actually want me to stay. I'm really going to try harder. I finally have some better lists from some agents so those are the ones I'll place a focus on and try to get more IFR's in, too. I finally busted my bind cherry, so I feel like I can do what needs to be done. Today is make up for HO and PAP training. I hope we have the nice trainer. The other one seems to have a weird vibe towards me and I have no idea why. Maybe it's because I don't belong to the BB's. Heh... BB's.
But enough about that negativity. Tomorrow, I'm doing the walk for diabetes on the company team tomorrow. I actually won a 4 pack of VIP Jaguar tickets with a parking pass for raising over. I debated on bringing some friends, but I decided to bring my family. I figured it would be a nice outing. I just hope they behave... I'm only half-kidding.
I've found that I am starting to care about TK. We spent the night in a hotel Saturday night and we almost cuddled, but I was the one who was gunshy about it. Fucking is one thing. But cuddling is another. Cuddling is intimate. I actually made him say he'd cuddle with me when I said I'd sleep over at his place a few weeks ago. But I didn't actually think he'd go for it. It makes me wonder... But I'm not going to think too hard about it. If he calls again, so be it. If not, then it's for the best.
It would just never work between us. I'm too emotional and crazy for any man right now. Maybe after I've hit The Change and gotten rid of all the estrogen hormones in my body, then I'll be able to carry a semi-normal relationship. Right now I just want what's either too difficult to have if not impossible or things that really have no chance of really getting anywhere. But a girl can dream...
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Gimme Shelter
It's been almost a week. It's been kinda crazy. Let's start with Snickerdoodle/drinking/pizza night with my girlies. RM and MA and I got together with the intent of planning out my tattoos. Yeah, that totally didn't happen. We were so drunk by the time the pizza guy got there. RM put the pizza and the calamari on a chair. My retarded ass moves the box of calamari, but forget the pizza is sitting there. So I sit down and I was like, "Damn, that calamari must have been hot because my butt is really warm." Then it took us a second, but we realized my butt was so warm because I was sitting on the pizza... Yeah, it just kinda gets better.
I downed 3 Bacardi 151 jello shots. All I can remember is talking about Bronies (dudes who like My Little Pony: Friendship is magic). It all goes kinda blank after that. I was told I kept going to the closet because I thought that was the bathroom and apparently I was trying to use my jedi mind tricks to make a slice of pizza function as a phone to text on and when I was told what I was doing, I nonchalantly picked up my real phone as if i'd never used the pizza to communicate. Then I accidentally call my dad for a booty call because he has the same first name as my booty call. I hung up in time, no worries. The first cognizant encounter I had was confronting Giz (RM's skunk) in the room and all of his hair standing up. If he didn't have those glands removed, I would have been in big trouble. It was like something from The Hangover. If i woke up with a tattoo on my face, I wouldn't have been shocked at all
So that was Friday night. Saturday nigh, TK said I needed to make it up to him for standing him up the night before. He tried to get me to rent a hotel room, but I couldn't afford that. So I just thought we were going to go down the road in out usual spot, and then do our thing and part ways like usual. Well, he was a little late and I was starting to kinda worry and wonder if he was standing me up. Then he texted me and I went to him and got in the car ready for "the usual" and then he surprises me and tells me he got a room...
::sigh::
We did it every way possible (*except what-what... I'm not sure I'm ever letting anyone what-what again after stories I've heard) and it was fun. I wanted to cuddle with him, but I was too afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of feeling for him. I've compartmentalized him in a separate part of my life, like my secret pleasure that I blog about and tell my closest girls about but it's not anything real. Cuddling would make it real. We've been going at it together for 8 months when I was convinced it would be a 3-stint gig. I've known relationships that last shorter than what we've been doing. And he kinda touched me while we were sleeping. He prolly didn't notice, but I tried my best to keep my distance.
I'm just finally healing and moving past the whole Mike thing. I've accepted he has moved on and has a girlfriend and I'm genuinely happy for him. I've stopped setting my schedule to where I take a lunch at a normal time rather than early in the shift and hoping I'll run into him. I feel better and people have noticed the change and are really glad I'm doing better than what I was.
Could I see a future with TK? Not so sure. Not completely doubtful. I'd like to get to know him better. I feel like I barely know him. All I know is he likes to game, he lives in OP, and he has a daughter. That's pretty much all I know.
Then I get sick Monday and Tuesday and then I come in yesterday and they basically tell me I'm on my last leg, and that if I don't improve, I'm no longer going to have a job. My boss outright asked me to give my resignantion. Happy fucking holidays.
So maybe I will successfully kill myself this season. Last year, it was me calling the ambulance for Mike because he overdid it on my Adderall and had a heart attack. Maybe that what I should do. I don't fucking care who I hurt or leave behind because I won't have to deal with it if I get it done successfully.
I downed 3 Bacardi 151 jello shots. All I can remember is talking about Bronies (dudes who like My Little Pony: Friendship is magic). It all goes kinda blank after that. I was told I kept going to the closet because I thought that was the bathroom and apparently I was trying to use my jedi mind tricks to make a slice of pizza function as a phone to text on and when I was told what I was doing, I nonchalantly picked up my real phone as if i'd never used the pizza to communicate. Then I accidentally call my dad for a booty call because he has the same first name as my booty call. I hung up in time, no worries. The first cognizant encounter I had was confronting Giz (RM's skunk) in the room and all of his hair standing up. If he didn't have those glands removed, I would have been in big trouble. It was like something from The Hangover. If i woke up with a tattoo on my face, I wouldn't have been shocked at all
So that was Friday night. Saturday nigh, TK said I needed to make it up to him for standing him up the night before. He tried to get me to rent a hotel room, but I couldn't afford that. So I just thought we were going to go down the road in out usual spot, and then do our thing and part ways like usual. Well, he was a little late and I was starting to kinda worry and wonder if he was standing me up. Then he texted me and I went to him and got in the car ready for "the usual" and then he surprises me and tells me he got a room...
::sigh::
We did it every way possible (*except what-what... I'm not sure I'm ever letting anyone what-what again after stories I've heard) and it was fun. I wanted to cuddle with him, but I was too afraid. Afraid of rejection. Afraid of feeling for him. I've compartmentalized him in a separate part of my life, like my secret pleasure that I blog about and tell my closest girls about but it's not anything real. Cuddling would make it real. We've been going at it together for 8 months when I was convinced it would be a 3-stint gig. I've known relationships that last shorter than what we've been doing. And he kinda touched me while we were sleeping. He prolly didn't notice, but I tried my best to keep my distance.
I'm just finally healing and moving past the whole Mike thing. I've accepted he has moved on and has a girlfriend and I'm genuinely happy for him. I've stopped setting my schedule to where I take a lunch at a normal time rather than early in the shift and hoping I'll run into him. I feel better and people have noticed the change and are really glad I'm doing better than what I was.
Could I see a future with TK? Not so sure. Not completely doubtful. I'd like to get to know him better. I feel like I barely know him. All I know is he likes to game, he lives in OP, and he has a daughter. That's pretty much all I know.
Then I get sick Monday and Tuesday and then I come in yesterday and they basically tell me I'm on my last leg, and that if I don't improve, I'm no longer going to have a job. My boss outright asked me to give my resignantion. Happy fucking holidays.
So maybe I will successfully kill myself this season. Last year, it was me calling the ambulance for Mike because he overdid it on my Adderall and had a heart attack. Maybe that what I should do. I don't fucking care who I hurt or leave behind because I won't have to deal with it if I get it done successfully.
Friday, November 2, 2012
I could only make you cry with these words...
Get me away I'm dyin'...
It's kinda interesting to see that my blog is being viewed by anyone. It kinda inflates my ego a bit. But it's prolly just the same 11 people looking to see if I've written anything new. But it lists the different countries that my audience comes from and it says people from South Korea and Russia are even looking at this. And parts of Europe.
So I rell people I'm psychotic and not psychic. But I think I can see how things end up turning out if certain events occur, kinda like Alice from Twilight. I can't predict who's going to win the election, but I have visions of what life will be like after individually depending on who wins. All of our futures look grim regardless.
Tonight is tattoo planning/vodka/snickerdoodle girls' night!!!! Wioooooooo... And I don't need to be in work tomorrow. However that means I have to work 6 days in a row, but it's not really as bad as everyone is making out to be. I'm gonna try fish fry friday today. It's always looked good, so I figure why not try it. Plus I didn't bring anything for lunch anyways. I'm wearing my glittery fishnets. I'm gonna start doing my thing with the stockings again. I used to always wear stockings back when I first started dating Mike. I dunno why I stopped. I think I stopped after he had that freak out attack when I wasn't exactly where he wanted me when he wanted me.
Fuck. That. Shit.
Never. Again.
I'm never going to let a man oppress me like he did. I'm done letting people trample all over me. I'm a new person. Better than ever. I'm gonna pierce my tongue and get some tattoos. Rawr! I'm gonna be fierce. Ink and piercings don't make me fierce. I make me fierce.
Grrrrrrrrrrr :)
It's kinda interesting to see that my blog is being viewed by anyone. It kinda inflates my ego a bit. But it's prolly just the same 11 people looking to see if I've written anything new. But it lists the different countries that my audience comes from and it says people from South Korea and Russia are even looking at this. And parts of Europe.
So I rell people I'm psychotic and not psychic. But I think I can see how things end up turning out if certain events occur, kinda like Alice from Twilight. I can't predict who's going to win the election, but I have visions of what life will be like after individually depending on who wins. All of our futures look grim regardless.
Tonight is tattoo planning/vodka/snickerdoodle girls' night!!!! Wioooooooo... And I don't need to be in work tomorrow. However that means I have to work 6 days in a row, but it's not really as bad as everyone is making out to be. I'm gonna try fish fry friday today. It's always looked good, so I figure why not try it. Plus I didn't bring anything for lunch anyways. I'm wearing my glittery fishnets. I'm gonna start doing my thing with the stockings again. I used to always wear stockings back when I first started dating Mike. I dunno why I stopped. I think I stopped after he had that freak out attack when I wasn't exactly where he wanted me when he wanted me.
Fuck. That. Shit.
Never. Again.
I'm never going to let a man oppress me like he did. I'm done letting people trample all over me. I'm a new person. Better than ever. I'm gonna pierce my tongue and get some tattoos. Rawr! I'm gonna be fierce. Ink and piercings don't make me fierce. I make me fierce.
Grrrrrrrrrrr :)
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Fucking aye, there just may be hope for me after all...
I MADE MY FIRST TWO BINDS TODAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
So happy. I feel a little less like I'm going to lose my job. Half-kidding. I did an added vehicle, took a payment for existing vehicle, bound a "raw new" policy, and added a policy holder. Yesterday, I switched out cars for 2 policies. So I did a lil bit of everything. It felt really good to do my job finally lol.
Tomorrow night is tattoo planning/girl night. There will be Snickerdoodles and vodka and pizza. It's going to be awesome!
Part of me wants to brag to Mike how much better I'm doing now that he's out of my life. But that would mean he was still in my life. He's gone. Vamoose. Buh-bye. I have too much pride now to communicate with him willingly He has a new girl. Let him waste her time. I'm better (and cuter) than that.
K keeps asking me what she should do with her life. I don't really feel like helping her figure anything out. She doesn't really deserve it. I'm not mad at her, I just don't have the energy to deal with her. I have a whole new life going for me. I need to relinquish the past.
This dude who's my cubby-mate at work said "bugger" today which is awesome. I've never heard a British person use that term in real life. I can cross that off the list. He's a nice enough guy. I like all my neighbors. For the most part.
It's fitting that today be my day of progress professional. My emotions will soon follow suit :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)