November Rain

Well, this has been a fairly uneventful week. Saw the FB last night. We did our thing. I had a "first" for the first time in a long time, but I'm not posting those details on the internet. I just feel like an empty shell of a person. Plus, his ex likes/comments on my facebook and it kinda fucks with my head given the situation.

I know he doesn't want anything more than sex. But I almost want more than that. And I'm debating whether I should keep this going. Because I don't want to fuck one dude and then hug another the next day. I'm not that kind of person. I could be if I decided to just forget my soul exists.

I miss Gingered Wonderfag. I know. I shouldn't. But I miss cuddling in this weather. I miss Broccoli Casserole. I miss that (fake) warm happy feeling I felt when I spent holidays with him and his family. Even though I know it was fake. It was a nice act. I really miss his grandmother more than anyone from that family. She was a little out there, but very sweet. I miss his smiles.

I still mourn the break up even though it was over 2 years ago. I really need to fucking let it go. But I've made some real progress. I don't purposely go to the sandwich shop next to his job just to catch him. I don't write him anymore letters. It just still stings that someone who I thought I was so close to could just hurt me like he did.

But if it weren't for him hurting me, I'd never have gotten back on my feet. I'd never have reconnected with the friend who had a friend that hooked me up with my job. I'd still be hoping everything I did was pleasing him. But I'm focused on pleasing everyone, myself included. Myself especially.