The Fear

Gah. I'm in such turmoil, but what's new? It's progressive positive turmoil though. Last night I totally bared it all to my shrink. It was good though. It needed to happen. We addressed some of the stuff I needed to address. Well, we uncovered most of the stuff.

I'm a control freak and so afraid of surrendering. But it feels so good to release sometimes. It's been so long since I had physical release. The mental release was good. And releasing it in a healthy way is even better. It's awesome.

Ahhhh... Geek out moment. I have a crush on someone. It's innocent enough though. I don't plan on pursuing it too much further. But it's nice. Like the movie Secretary, but no red pen. Ha, if I revealed more, it would ruin it. But yeah... It's nice to be comfortable and secure. It's so foreign that happiness and even its precursors make me nervous.

Sigh. Yeah. I know i'm doing most of the right things because I don't feel as disappointed when I don't live up to my expectations of perfection. I still accept that i'm awesome. Well, i'm starting to accept it. Because I still need to be humble. I'm not going to burn myself out. I feel in tune with the universe for the first time maybe ever.

My future isn't as bleak as I once thought. Woot woot!!! I don't feel like I need to fade away. I can shine on brightly. Like how the song that is most associated with me... Shine On You Crazy Diamond! :D

Smile

Bleh. Too many damn energy drinks. It's funny. I could drink 4 at the farm and just manage to get a quote. I just hope i'm not over-compensating my aggression here. One of us DA people were cut. I'm not gonna compare myself. I either trump people or never live up to it. So I just try my best. That's all anyone can do. Can't really ask for more.

But everyone always does. Always strive for more. I just can't push myself too far or too much. I can, but it's not worth it. I'm still learning. I locked myself out of the system trying to clock lunch.

So there's a cute guy at work. He reminds me of someone I met a few years ago in gainesville. He's no longer around last I heard.

::sigh::

I just hate getting flustered and anxious. I turn pink and get un reasonably angry with myself. People think it's cute. Which just angers me more. Bleh. I need to bring some farmers here. I know two who would be awesome. One could be a good DA and the other would be a good DC. We'll see if I can send a good pitch.

A Wolf At The Door

I love this song. I'm a little bitter about Radiohead (people I associate them with), but Thom Yorke looked me right in the eye when he played the song on the concert that we went to on the day between his and my birthdays. Plus, I'm of the moon, so it's only fitting that we made a connection over this song.

Today was insane amounts of awesome. I only had one call to listen to and critique and I think the only thing my boss has to complain about me is that I don't follow the script exactly. I've gotten better about dead air. But I have to be perfect. And I will be. I intend to make myself an invaluable asset. Even one of the head recruiter dudes was like, "I've heard good things about you."

That NEVER happens. Ever. Especially at work. Not since my first round at ACC and that was about 9 years ago. So I feel really good. I'm doing the right things. It's so strange. And surreal. If you told me this 5 weeks ago, I would have laughed at you and asked for something to sedate me. Now, I'm living my life and happily for the first time in a lonnnnng time...

It feels damn good. And I have crushes. I'm not ready to settle down yet. Which means I still have yet to find the right person. I know I'd feel it in  my gut when it was right. But I have my distractions. There's a few people I like. Yes, people. Not just dudes. I just feel sexuality is your personal business and it doesn't need to be flaunted. Unless you're desperate. But I'm primarily into dudes. Women are insane. I am one, so I know. But I flirt with everyone. And if you don't like it, then that's your problem. I swear, I think all of my friends have all played the guessing game without outright asking. I love people, not genitals. I'd be more open about it if my parents weren't so weird about it. But there's a lot about me that they are shielded from. I just think it's kinda trashy if you whore yourself out and about.

But there... to confirm any suspicions. But my standards are strange. I'm happy that I'm not stuck in a rut anymore and can be open about it. And no, just because I'm bi doesn't mean I'm automatically going to have a threesome. I'm waaaaaaaay to possessive to share. And believe me, I've done it a few times.

Shadows Of The Night

Gah... I have this weird feeling in my tummy. It's almost the time of year that I dread and love simultaneously. I mean, if we go by the weather, then it's here already... Spring. I love it. But it's when my heart gets all fluttery and lovey.

I've been seeing someone for almost a year now. It's just sex. But everyone keeps telling me I'm not a "just sex" kind of girl. M-er F-ers, if you know anything about me, you know not to pidgeonhole me. Everything else is allowable. But not that.

I like the dude. I really do. But he has his baggage. I have mine. We've both been burned in the past. It's fun. But I always have a way of making a friends with benefits thing deeper than it needs to be. It's not my intention. But either my idiotic emotions get involved or the dude apparently is retarded enough to care about me. Or there's a fucked up blend of both. I'm not letting Cupid shoot his arrows at me this time. Last time, I got them right in the f*cking kneecaps.

Enough about that. I made a killing at goodwill. Got a new purse, a belt, a few shirts and a skirt. And a cute little case for my glasses. And of course, Dirty Diana by MJ was playing on my strut home. I felt like a total badass. Dad told me he'd help me with COBRA, but I still owe for what I borrowed in between jobs. Which is awesome. I can manage that on the next check which won't be missing two days.

Oh lordy. I knew someone was going to defriend me after Friday. The person who did is always refriending and defriending me since I've known him. It's not a big deal. But don't hug me goodbye, tell me we're gonna hang out, and then just run off and defriend me sneakily. I'm trying to avoid that kind of stuff. If you have a problem, be up front. Don't be phony.

I hope some of my friends from the farm stay in touch. Even if it's just on fb. I'm not gonna be torn apart if they don't. I don't have to deal with any of them unless they want to hang out. I don't turn away someone who wants to be my friend. But I'm not gonna beg people to be my friend either. You either like me or you don't. I can be crude and insensitive sometimes. I'm just as human as you are. I'm done people pleasing. I was a bit disorganized Friday night. I wasn't expecting half of the team from quote and bind to be there.

I don't mean to be negative, but yes... I know there were some people there to see what new curve this train hit and how hard it will wreck. It's okay. I prolly would have done the same thing maybe. But I'm happy and stable. I'm sorry that isn't enough to accomodate others, but it's good enough for me. And really, that's all I am asking for. I hope whoever wants to talk to other people and tell them my business does. You must be really bored if I'm the hot topic of discussion. I mean, come on. Really. I'll make a list for everyone if it's the case.

Dee's current status (the abridged version):

1.) She has a job.
2.) She dresses up nicely instead of a 14 year old boy in a Goonies shirt. (I still have the truffle shuffle one though.)
3.) She's doing the right things to accomodate her health in all aspects.
4.) She has more piercings. (for the pre-farmers)
5.) She's kinda sorta involved with someone, but they weren't there.
6.) She's gained about 5-10 pounds.
7.) She's not quite a hot mess, but she's still a bit disorganized. So we'll say she's a warm mess.

If I left anyone out and you want more details, you have to ask me yourself. There are no hidden meanings or deceptions in that information. I'm sure you know where to find me or how to find me. And if those answers satiate your curiosity, well, I'm glad that I could accomodate. Now, please politely go and eff off. Thank you for your time. Now I'm going to go and relax and listen to some music.

Drunken Butterfly

Great song.... "I love you... I love you... I love you... What's your name?" I felt like a drunken butterfly last night fluttering about. Everyone seemed so happy and proud of me. It was so funny having so many people that have known me for the past 20 years just all show up to celebrate my newly found success. People who knew me at different stages of my life up to present.

Some of them knew me from pre-high school.... some from high school... and some from post-high school. Some even from State Farm showed up. So some of these people know me as t-shirt and jeans Dee and others know me as professional Diana. Everyone said I looked so pretty. It really humbled me to know so many people still give a sh*t.

All the things I swore off at New Years have kinda been broken. I can't be so black and white about stuff. Nor do I need to advertise it all. Subtlety is so underrated. I used to be able to master it but then I did a lot of things that killed off a lot of brain cells. But being in control of my own life (relatively speaking) has really helped me realize that I can have certain things in my life so long as I don't let them control me.

I just have to trust my instincts and not give into every crazy fantasy that I have in my whirlwind emotionally insane imagination. Stay on the up side of things. Stop feeding into the negativity that seeps in from time to time and not let it take root. Build more on the positive happy things that have let the people I've met through the years grow to love me and let go of the anger and hurt feelings. Stop feeding into the anger and madness that has caused me to alienate the people I still care about who refuse to have anything to do with me.

I know some people were probably deliciously surprised to see that I am as happy and content as I was last night. I'm still in the conception of making my life more tolerable and worth living. But if you took the person I am now and showed the person I was two or three years ago, you'd be shocked and amazed. It's definitely been an upward move. I would give past-Dee a big hug and whisper in her ear to hold tight and hang on because it will get better. Might have had my foot stuck in sh*t, but if I keep walking, it'll all scrape off eventually as if it never happened.

I'm not gonna pretend the past decade didn't happen. I've learned too much from those growing pains to deny that they exist. But I don't need to dwell in my sadness. I'm not a Smashing Pumpkins song. I'm not gonna beg people to be my friend. I'm just gonna keep walking. I'm gonna be like Forrest Gump and just run with it. Keep going the distance. My life has taught me that whenever life shuts a door, it opens another. It's just those dark hallways in between that can be a bitch. I stumble and trip... sometimes I scrape my knee. But I get up, brush my knees like a lady, keep calm and keep on shining til I find it.

I still listen to Bob Dylan and mope and dream. But I have to keep living my life in order for it to get better. I won't let anyone break me but myself. And I've done that. Healing is so much better. The shars of glass that have flecked off of this crazy diamond are just as valuable as the inner jewel of my heart.

I get arrogant. That's my downfall. I'm awesome. But I also have to be humble. I didn't do it all by myself. I had plenty of help along the way. And I can't forget that. I just have to let the dust fade away without scratching myself too hard. Too many scratches can lead to scars. I don't have any problem with having them, they give me character. But you can't mutilate your soul and make it unrecognizeable.

I'm not the Paranoid Android. I'm not always the Drunken Butterfly. Shine On You Crazy Diamond. Like Pink Floyd. or maybe even Shine Bright Like A Diamond.

Like whoa, dude!

Not a music title, but I was reading some of these. Damn... I was a bit of a trainwreck there.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

That was the last song I sang at karaoke when it was at The Sinclair. Apparently it was streamed and some of my friends actually saw me singing this song. I love The Rolling Stones. And this song was played on the organ in that awful Baby Boomer movie The Big Chill. You know, the one where all the people get together about 10 years after school and mope and groan about the trials of adulthood and listen to old music that reminds them of their youth and there's always someone who's fucked up on drugs, and someone who's kinda famous, and the "perfect" couple that has problems, and the drug addict... you know what I'm talking about.

But it's true. You can't always get what you want, but you find sometimes you get what you need. My last post was a little bitchy. But I just have so many friends who feel like their entitled to so much more than what they have in life and don't appreciate the things they already have and take forgranted that they really have it a lot better than most other people and that there's barely anything really that guarantees you're always going to be in the position you're in currently. Sometimes it gets better and sometimes it gets worse.

I'm guilty of it myself. I think I have problems and then I see that a lot of other people do, too. But it's apples and oranges. You can't compare your hardships with others' because of all the variables that make that particular position difficult to that individual.

I used to think I had it all and no harm could come to me. I had a fiancee, I could easily get a job, I had "friends" and I was happy just pegging myself in a not so comfortable hole and just letting the status quo be. And then I got too comfortable. So I took all of that for granted and stopped appreciating it. And that's when the floor fell from under me. Lost the good jobs, lost the fiancee, my fair-weather friends flew the coop, and my little hole of comfort just spat me out like a piece of bitter fruit.

And now that some time has passed, I'm so thankful I went through that miserable time. It taught me to appreciate and be thankful for all the small things. It helped me learn more about myself. It made me realize that I'm a lot stronger than I had ever needed to be in the past. I think the biggest thing I learned is that it's okay to fall, so long as you don't just lay on the ground and let life run you over. You have to pick yourself up, no matter how bruised and battered you feel... Because it does get better eventually. Don't just be complacent and accept that your life may suck for a bit. If it sucks, then change it up and make it better. Not for anyone else, but for yourself. Because no one's going to do it for you.

People in my generation kind of disgust me. Some of us think we're so entittled because we did what we thought were supposed to be the right things and stuff isn't going the way we want it to. We're adults now. You do the right things because they're the right things to do. Not because you're supposed to be "rewarded". Because I hate to say it, but doing the good deed in and of itself is the reward. Shitty things happen to good people. You just have to make the most of it. It might not be exactly what you wanted to happen or it may not happen exactly as you wished it would, but whatever is meant to happen happens eventually. You can't just give up. And you can't just blindly make the same mistakes over and over again.

I'm done being insane. And I'm done enabling others to be insane too. I'm sick and tired of people who say one thing, but expect another. Expectation is the root of all heartache. If you're doing something stupid, I'm gonna call you on it. I'm not gonna tiptoe dance around everyone. It doesn't fix anything. I just makes small issues into bigger ones.

The Heinrich Maneuver

Now that I'm doing better, I have attainable goals. And I'm going to do my damnedest to make them happen. I'm mending fences properly. People aren't always receptive when I first reach out to them, but when I give them time to marinate on it, and I try again... They seem to want to give me a second chance. Which makes me happy. I guess when I learn a lesson, I have to prove I've learned it rather than just tell people that I know better. I have to implement the knowledge.

Good things happen to me. I just have problems sustaining them. But I'm finally working at that.  I guess maybe I look so young because I act so young. Life is amazing right now though. I am in a good popsition with a good company. I'm single. I have good people in my life who don't bring me down too much.

I'm thinking of going up north for vacation in August. Maybe spend a day or two up in Baltimore with Fossett. She's cool with that. I might go see some NJ family, too. We'll see. I might want to use vacation days to move. But I think I could at least take a 3 day weekend to visit my girl . She's been an amzaing best friend throughout the years and the one female friend I have that hasn't really made me feel like less than nothing. She's always been a positive motivator. We've fought over stupid shit, but i think it's made our friendship stronger.

I like my job. There's people there who make me feel like I'm welcome and I socialize and it's good. No one is too close. Yet, I don't feel alienated and isolated either. It's a happy medium. I'm afraid to facebook interact with anyone yet because then they'll know what lies behind this semi-calm demeanor I put up for professional purposes.

I was telling Ocean how I finally feel like myself again after the time I spent in limbo for five years (2008-2012). After all of that, I feel like I've been reborn and stronger knowing all the things that I know now. I've finally almost adapted to the role of responsible adult. I have a schedule and a routine that I pretty much follow and I'm happy with it. I have a real decent job. I have some pretty kick ass friends. I know what I want for the most part. But I'm also willing to adapt to things. I don't expect them to be handed to me on a platter. I know I have to work for happiness.

I have a friend who kinda pisses me off. She agreed she needed to get help after something really shitty happened to her. But now she's acting the same way she was before it. And now, I'm no psych expert. But I know the signs of someone who's suffering from depression. She's wearing a giant gold star with her symptoms. And it's kinda annoying me because she was so willing to get help during her crisis, but now she's back into day-to-day life, she doesn't feel it's necessary. It's irritating as all hell. I'm sorry, but depression is there whether you want to deal with it or not. And drinking it away or turning to whatever other available vice is around isn't going to fix anything.

Almost everyone she cares about has turned their backs on her because she won't help herself. The same thing happened to me but it was worse. And now that I've finally gone about trying to solve things and make myself better, people have been willing to meet me halfway. But she doesn't get it. And I really don't want to turn my back on her because she really hasn't done anything to warrant that. But in a way, it feels like she has. I feel almost like she's making light of my situation acting the way she has. Like she's seen my struggles, but she doesn't feel like it applies to her because "nothing can help" her. My problems were a lot worse than hers are and it's kinda insulting and makes me think that she thinks she's better than me and that her problems aren't as dire. They might not be now, but they could very well turn out worse. Preventative measures. And I'm sorry, but I'm too selfish to stay on board of a sinking ship. I have my own issues to deal with and I can't hold people up like I used to think I could. That's co-dependency. Pushing away your problems so you can deal with others' instead.

I've done that too much for too many people. I know better now. It's okay to be selfish and put yourself first. It's when you get too self-involved when there starts to be a problem. And not being receptive to getting help.... that's self-involvement. Maybe I'm being bitchy. I just don't have the time and pateince to deal with BS anymore. I've been dicked around by too many people to let it happen anymore. I won't completely desert her, but I'm not gonna hold her hand while she spirals in the wrong direction and let her pull me down with her. I'll just keep my distance. I've learned that much at least.

I used to be that asshole who would cry out for help and then when you reach out, I just grabbed on and tried to pull you down with me. It wasn't like I was maliciously sandbagging people, not at first at least. But then it became an unconcious habit and people started cutting me loose. And I still didn't get it for awhile. But just as I thought I'd been sucked under for good, I pulled myself up onto a safety raft. And the waters were pretty choppy. Now I'm swimming again. I had floaties, but now I'm paddling along pretty well. I'm not quite sure how deep the waters are, but you don't need depth to float. You need survival instincts and a level head. And even if you drift too far from the land, the tides are always changing so you're not always totally screwed. There's always a chance things will go in your favor. Especially if you're a good gambler and you know how to play your hand even if you have shitty cards.

Life In Technicolor

So yeah, I'm getting into the meat and potatoes of my job. Started really on Friday when I took two calls and those went pretty well. Today, I did one transfer and it was my first time doing what I was hired to do and I flopped a bit through it, but I passed it on to a DC and had my first transfer done. I would have had another, but we were so busy that I set a callback to call him tomorrow afternoon.

Now that I've gotten into a bit of a groove, I think I'll do better. I made between 150-200 dials today and maybe talked to 5 or 7 people. Just like SF. But these people are more likely going to help me get the money I'm aiming to earn. I need to improve my current situation. I can't live with my family for too much longer. My goal is July, sooner if possible. I just can't be around them like this. It's really kinda sad.

I love them, but I want to be better and not crazy. Or at least be as less crazy as I can possibly get to. We all know I'm a bit of an odd bird. And like I was literally refereeing the drunks on Friday night. But I kinda liked being the only sober person. I was raging cuntastic PMS-ing. Yes, I made up a word. Cuntastic. It describes a whole level of PMS that no one should ever be reduced to. I can't be on birth control because one of my new meds makes it less effective, so what's the point of ingesting extra hormones that aren't going to be very useful. Lady-parts cancer already runs in my family so I don't really need to tempt fate anymore than necessary. I get all the shitty genetic defects, so it wouldn't really shock me to pieces if that one happened to me too. Not that I want it to. I'm just living by the mantra of hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. But yeah, this month's PMS is a result of not taking The Pill anymore. It's the only logical deduction. Unless I'm knocked up. And then.... well, I don't want to think about that.

I plan on being the best debt analyst I can be so I can move up in the company. I have the ability to think on my toes. I just need to get into my groove and comfort zone. I've already mingled with people at work. I took up smoking again. It's the best way to socialize with the good salespeople and get tips and stuff. I'll quit again when I start getting the groove of things. But until then, I will sit and chain smoke and slowly re-introduce myself into socializing again. It's really healthier than it is negative for me for now. I know. It's scary how I can rationalize just about anything. The life of a semi-sociopath...

I took control of my meds situation. My new doc, Dr. L, from Crazytown had a bad stroke, so he can't really see patients. I wouldn't think. Mofo is such a multi-tasker though, I'm not all that surprised. I hope he gets better. But I'm prolly gonna go back to Dr. V. I have a feeling that he'll be more able to be attentive to my needs. Especially once he knows I've gotten my act together. He accused me of being a bad drug addict. Which was kinda true when I look back at the patterns of my behavior back the. But it was when I first tried to make the steps of recovery out of that lifestyle which totally discouraged me and sent me full force back into it. Now that I don't have Gingered Wonderfag using me for drugs and enabling my bad habits, I think I can be taken a bit more seriously. I don't blame him for all my problems, but he definitely aided and abetted some of my less appealing behaviors.

I was thinking of GW again today. How he's prolly gonna have some mouth-breathing geeky world of warcraft dork children with his lil miss Rosie. But Fossett talked some sense into me to keep me from dwelling too far into self-pity over it. She said that if that happened, he'd be stuck with all of that while I went on being my fabulous self. And I actually found some solace in that. I love that woman. She's been such a good friend to me for half of my life. We've had our falling outs, but our friendship has grown and matured as we have throughout the years. Ocean and I are still working on getting to that level. She's more right that my stubborn ass likes to admit. I'm learning to admit that just might not know everything all the time. I know, shocking right?

I'm about to go see my counselor for the first time since all the shit went down in December. I feel like that was a whole lifetime ago. We did the pre-cursor to EMDR and I dunno, but I feel like that unleashed some not so good things in my brain that led to my semi-nervous breakdown. It was all weird the way things went down. Honestly, I feel that between starting my BC back in September, seeing GW that one time at Walmart, finding out GW had replaced me, and my birthday all happening within weeks of each other started the trigger to my slow descent into insanity that just kinda hit the fan when I finally did lose my job.

I'm making a point to have Thursdays be my early day so I can go to Crazytown for After Care sessions. I like group discussions and I feel that the more I go there with my own success, maybe I can spark a renewal of hope to someone who's in a similar situation to ones I've been in. But it's not all selfless. It's selfish, but in a healthy way. To keep myself fresh. Positive reinforcement. Plus, I like some of the ladies who go a lot more the more I get to know them.

It's so foreign to feel myself going in the right direction, but I'm getting used to it. And I'm going to try to NEVER take it too much for granted. I'm going to just thank my lucky stars and the positive energies that are allowing me to get my life back on track, whether it's God or whatever you want to call it. It's out there. I've felt it too much to doubt it. And I kinda pity the people who lack the open-mindedness to accept that there is some greater entitity that brings us together, up and down and all around. But I respect that they can have their own beliefs too. I'm far from a jesus-freak. But you have to believe in something other than just yourself. But that's just my opinion.

I'm ready to open the next chapter in my life. I feel like I've even gotten a view of a few pages. And I'm just gonna go with it and rock that shit like no one else can.

The Tide Is High

This place seems pretty cool. I'll be training for the next week or so. Not too shabby, considering.

Well, I started this blog a week ago. I think i'll do well. It's good base pay plus commission. I might be able to live on my own in about 6 months. That alone is my incentive to work hard.

I also want to prove to myself that I can do this. Not just to everyone who's been a naysayer. I held onto State Farm for 10 months and a day. Not too shabby considering I hadn't worked for 5 years prior. I'm gonna do my best at my job as "debt analyst" and outshine what I once was by a long haul.

Selling insurance was definitely not my forte. But at this place, i'll basically just have to chit chat with people and help them out of a bad situation. I'm looking forward to it and embracing my challenges as I face them. Not running away.

I've made such progress. Maybe I can start dating again soon. But I want to get this job situation under my belt for a bit before I worry about romance.

I'm loving life right now. I feel like i'm back on track for the first time in 8 years. I'm not gonna be anyone's doormat ever again. I'm gonna be the best Dee I can be :)

Landslide

Well, well, well... I like my new job already. I have a feeling it's going to be a better fit than State Farm was. I think so. The fact that they have a little room to the side with a foosball table is a good sign. I need to adopt a cute geekboy to be my "work boyfriend" and play during lunch. Endless overtime available if you're productive. And base pay ain't too shabby, but i know I'll be making commissions.

"Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

Yes... Yes, I can.

I feel it. I'm on the precipice of awesomeness. I got this. I'm gonna take control of my life for the first time in about 10 years. I feel good bout things. I always make good life changes in Jan/Feb and this year is no exception. I know what I want. I know how I'm going to get it.

I am going to be out of my parents' place by the time I'm 30. I'm going to make a career for myself. I'm not going to be the fucked up piece of mess that everyone predicted I would be. I'm assertive. I'm happy. I'm self-possessed. I'm a woman with a mission.

If you can't enjoy the ride, politely get off and don't look back. I'm done totimg dead weight that's going to do nothing but drag me down. I'm going to find happiness and hold onto it. And I'm not going to let anyone wrench it from my grasp.

Chasing Pavements

Sooooo... a month after I lose my job, I have a new one. Pretty damn awesome. So excited. Ready to start saving up to GTFO of my current situation.


I wonder if they talked to GW and he still said something nice despite the fact that... it's about me. But I'm not gonna wonder too much on it. I'm just gonna be really thankful.

Steady As She Goes

I really like listening to Pandora a lot more than Spotify. I forgot how much. It brings songs I forgot I liked or I know I've heard the't know the name or artist. Mmmmmm... I have my coffee and my computer. I'm such a nerd.

So I saw my "friend" last night. I really dunno how to label him. Or what I should call him. We've been seeing each other for almost a year. Well, 10 months. Off and on. We've never really been intimate. I just start spiralling off and babbling to the point I dunno what I've said to him until he says, "Yeah, you've already said that..." (lol) and I dunno. He's odd... prolly a lot more like me than I'd care to admit. He's sexy. I look back in hindsight and I'm trying not to make it into the big deal that I normally would. But I've noticed him for a few years now.

I just remember July 4th of 2011. How I was looking at the fireworks but I felt like someone was looking at me and I thought it might be him, but he had a girl at the time. Then he just kinda started pursuing me. Made me feel sexy when everyone else was busy hating me. But I didn't give in right away. I never usually do...

I dunno. I don't wanna screw up something that's perfectly fine where it is. But part of me likes to complicate things. And yeah... I don't think I would mind be complicated with him. But it's strange. I dunno. I'm starting to challenge things that I never thiought I'd challenge. Thinking thoughts that I'd never have given a second thought.

It's effed up how life throws you curveballs and you're still kinda ready for them. Like your mind goes along the warped twisted path that life takes you without a second thought about it. And it's perfectly fine disproving things you accepted as truth long ago. It's so strange.

I just need to stop reading into things that have nothing to do with anything and stop confusing myself with the what if's of the world.

I'm really not looking forward to Valentine's Day. Stabby. It's always gonna make me stabby until I do something awesome to counteract the awfulness.

Piano Man

I've decided to start using my Pandora instead of Spotify. Pandora is a bit more diverse than Spotify and it just randomly streams rather than streaming from strictly just what I star. I feel kinda slightly psychotic at how glad I am that I can still listen to The Beatles station. I didn't have to delete it. I ruined The Beatles for Gingered Wonderfag. He doesn't have it as a station anymore from what I saw on Pandora. Hahahahahaha... But he's ruined Billy Joel for me. But I still listen to it as you can see from the title of this blog.

Yeah, I'm sick.

I need to really let him go. I have such a hard time with it. I have to accept that there will always be parts of me that will love him and parts of me that still despise him.

"Love is the AIDS of emotions..." I am the fucking poet lauriat.

I'm afraid to let go of my love/sadness over GW. Because if I let go of the memories, I have no veil to hide the fact that I'm lonely and alone. Sure, I get laid. But I'm lonelier now than I've ever been. Just me, my memories, my music and my blog.

It's effing pathetic. I'm gonna be like Jenny from Big Fish. Except not as awesome.

I keep trying to numb myself. The dude I'm kinda seeing... We're not a couple. yet we've been on and off for longer than most people are in some relationships. It's been about 9 1/2 months. I kinda accidentallly told his ex about us. I think she kinda knew though. But it's okay if I start caring about him. If he ever starts caring about me, that's when it has to end. I'm such an emotional sado-masochist. I can handle disappointment for and from myself. It's others that piss me off.

"I apologize to ears that are willing to listen. The rest can go fuck off..."

I stand by that and always will. Except for GW. I'll apologize to him until my throat goes dry. He may never listen. But I do believe "I'm sorry" are going to be the last words I utter before I die.

I harbor so much anger and sadness. I need to start letting it go.

There, There

Bleh... I just cleaned the toilet. I swear to god... man... bleh. I interviewed for a job yesterday. We'll see how that goes. If I get it, it will be a borderline miracle. I just have to wait.

Bleh... just bleh... that's about it :)

That's Just The Way It Is

Memorial's hold music sounds the same as this actually. I remember having such a hard time when I first heard it... Pinning to where I heard the familiarity. Bleh. My head hurts. I skipped groups this morning. But I worked on my resume. I have a friend who hooked me up with a possible job lead. It's got no benefits. But that could be what I need until I finally get my shit together. As long as I can pay for COBRA and appointments and meds, I really don't need too much more.


I'm trying to be high-spirited about things. It's a little difficult when I feel so alone. I shouldn't. I have lots of friends. Well, people who claim to be. But I'm not too worried about it. I let people off the hook when I should hold them accountable. I'm gonna do a clean sweep of my friends list sooner or later. People who haven't really made an effort to really make an effort. They know who they are. They may try to read these even... Try to get some insight by being out, but looking in.

If you know me, you know better. It's all a song-and-dance. I'm trying to be less of a performer though.

I somewhat miss parts of my old life. There are friends I more than likely won't ever speak to again in real life, but I keep them on facebook because I clutch in vain to the past. But we all know it's unlikely that we'll speak to each other again.

I used to be sad about not having some of these people in my life still. But it's not like I haven't tried to keep up some of these bonds. But people will do as they do. I really don't expect anything different. I know better than to expect from people what I wouldn't expect from myself. And I know if I could get rid of me, I most certainly would.

I have survivor's guilt. Not from war. From trying to off myself. I've outlived too many situations because of my stubborn will to live. Not by choice. It has a strength all of its own. I guess apparently I would be missed by too many people and hurt more than I'm aware of. I know that I'd hurt some people that I wish wouldn't be too affected because they have their own stuff they have to deal with. There are some people that I would hope would miss my presence but would more than likely just shrug it off because it wouldn't affect them so much anymore.

I really just want to stop feeling like this. And I will. One step at a time, one day at a time.

Where Is My Mind?

Well, it was 0.75 days into the new year our family made it in until someone had to cause chaos. Of course, it was me. Ever the instigator. I just stirred the pot that's been brewing. My lazy ass brother hasn't really had much motivation to get up off of his ass and do something with himself. I hope dad and him had words in the direction to fix that. Not in a bad way. But I'm sickl of having to sacrifice and feel like the awful one when I'm doing way more than any of these douches are to fix ourselves.

My dad has been very morbid lately. Saying that he has to die before I do. Which is fine, but please let's not talk about it. It's normal for parents to die before their children. But he made me promise that if I let him go before I do, I have to be in charge of stuff. Which I really don't want. Like I don't have enough resentment and anger at my family for stupid reasons... I don't need that to be added onto it. Yes... let everything be on my shoulders. Lord help me, but I really hope he never gets that out in writing.

I know it sounds horrible, but after my dad goes... I'm done. If I keep in touch with some family members, that's cool. But really... some of them (including the ones I live with) can go right to hell for all I care. Especially after this past year...

Like, I really want to be honest when someone asks me if i want to kill myself... Because honestly, I do. I want to be selfish and pretend I have no problems that would follow me. But they would, in one way or another. They would hurt the ones I love or they would just manifest in ways that I have no iudea of because I haven't died yet, so I don't know what happens. Do I believe in an afterlife? And if I do, is it for real? We never know until we go.

I have my theories. But I also think I'm some weird kind of psychic medium. Which I can't really prove or disprove. But I can just imagine the kind of shit stir that will be going on if my mom hears dad wants me in charge of things after he goes. She'll play the Mentally Ill Card. And I'll give it to her. I'll play batshit insane in that attorney's office if that's what it takes to be let off. I don not want to be in charge of anyone's future. I've fucked up my own so badly, why trust me with another's?