Drunken Butterfly

Great song.... "I love you... I love you... I love you... What's your name?" I felt like a drunken butterfly last night fluttering about. Everyone seemed so happy and proud of me. It was so funny having so many people that have known me for the past 20 years just all show up to celebrate my newly found success. People who knew me at different stages of my life up to present.

Some of them knew me from pre-high school.... some from high school... and some from post-high school. Some even from State Farm showed up. So some of these people know me as t-shirt and jeans Dee and others know me as professional Diana. Everyone said I looked so pretty. It really humbled me to know so many people still give a sh*t.

All the things I swore off at New Years have kinda been broken. I can't be so black and white about stuff. Nor do I need to advertise it all. Subtlety is so underrated. I used to be able to master it but then I did a lot of things that killed off a lot of brain cells. But being in control of my own life (relatively speaking) has really helped me realize that I can have certain things in my life so long as I don't let them control me.

I just have to trust my instincts and not give into every crazy fantasy that I have in my whirlwind emotionally insane imagination. Stay on the up side of things. Stop feeding into the negativity that seeps in from time to time and not let it take root. Build more on the positive happy things that have let the people I've met through the years grow to love me and let go of the anger and hurt feelings. Stop feeding into the anger and madness that has caused me to alienate the people I still care about who refuse to have anything to do with me.

I know some people were probably deliciously surprised to see that I am as happy and content as I was last night. I'm still in the conception of making my life more tolerable and worth living. But if you took the person I am now and showed the person I was two or three years ago, you'd be shocked and amazed. It's definitely been an upward move. I would give past-Dee a big hug and whisper in her ear to hold tight and hang on because it will get better. Might have had my foot stuck in sh*t, but if I keep walking, it'll all scrape off eventually as if it never happened.

I'm not gonna pretend the past decade didn't happen. I've learned too much from those growing pains to deny that they exist. But I don't need to dwell in my sadness. I'm not a Smashing Pumpkins song. I'm not gonna beg people to be my friend. I'm just gonna keep walking. I'm gonna be like Forrest Gump and just run with it. Keep going the distance. My life has taught me that whenever life shuts a door, it opens another. It's just those dark hallways in between that can be a bitch. I stumble and trip... sometimes I scrape my knee. But I get up, brush my knees like a lady, keep calm and keep on shining til I find it.

I still listen to Bob Dylan and mope and dream. But I have to keep living my life in order for it to get better. I won't let anyone break me but myself. And I've done that. Healing is so much better. The shars of glass that have flecked off of this crazy diamond are just as valuable as the inner jewel of my heart.

I get arrogant. That's my downfall. I'm awesome. But I also have to be humble. I didn't do it all by myself. I had plenty of help along the way. And I can't forget that. I just have to let the dust fade away without scratching myself too hard. Too many scratches can lead to scars. I don't have any problem with having them, they give me character. But you can't mutilate your soul and make it unrecognizeable.

I'm not the Paranoid Android. I'm not always the Drunken Butterfly. Shine On You Crazy Diamond. Like Pink Floyd. or maybe even Shine Bright Like A Diamond.