I usually post every day when I have a blog, but I've found that I don't need to post everytime I sneeze or breathe or whatever. I just got out of a meeting with my boss and it was a really positive. (That was written yesterday [Friday])
Okay, today is Saturday. We're not supposed to make calls until 10am, so I figure I'll finish my entry I tried writing yetserday. I did my hair, but it was cheaper than I expected. Still expensive, but worth it. I chopped off about 7-8 inches, shaded it darker and got really light highlights to contrast. I look like a totally different person. Everyone who's seen it has remarked on how good it looks now. It feels good to look attractive again.
I had all the right clothes, I just needed a new look. I look like an adult now which is a nice change. I kinda looked like a teenager when I had the unicorn streaks and it wasn't very flattering. But dark hair looks good on me.
I'm supposed to start EMDR therapy to help cope with my trauma issues and anxiety. It's interesting from what I've read and they say it's successful with war veterans and stuff. It's supposed to help with almost all the issues I battle with, so I'm willing to give it a shot. I really trust my counselor and if she thinks I'll benefit from it, then I'm willing to be a subject.
It'll help with the PTSD from all the comas and suicide attempts, the issues with drugs (even though I've beat them, mostly), my issues with the unresolved things between Ludwig and I, and my insane anxiety. It'll help me react in a more positive way rather than freeze up and get crazy.
Well, it's about time to start making calls and I want to keep this job. My new boss is a really upbeat guy who seems to really care. He is more concerned with my development and progress than the exact lack of results which is a refreshing experience.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Weather is fitting to my mood... cloudy with on again-off again rain
I waste so much money. It's ridiculous. I want to spend over a hundred dollars to to change the shade and maybe get a few highlights. WTF is wrong with me? And I buy underwear that is ridiculously expensive. My justification for that is that I want to build my credit. Which is kinda legit.
This guy I've been sleeping with is convinced I'm going to be around for his pleasure forever no matter what. I think almost everyone thinks that until I monumentally piss them off and then they wish me away forever. But you can't control fate. I know I can't, as much as I try to manipulate it in my favor. In fact, the more I manipulate the flow of life, the more it just blows up in my face.
That's why I just live and let live now. Except with Ludwig. But I have to release him. Not for him, but for myself. I won't have peace until I stop clutching to the past like a petulant child. I can't let go of him and hope he'll come back either. I have to really let him go.
I wonder if it was this painful for him. I want to know how he feels about me. But there's no way I can ask anyone to dare approach that subject with him. It's still too fresh and too personal and I know he'll just clam up and say something very curt if anything at all. At least that's how I'd see him reacting. I want to bum rush him everytime I see him and tackle him with a giant bear hug as if nothing had gone wrong between us.
But I know it's ridiculous the way I carry on about him. It's turning other prospects off and not doing me any good. It's annoying my friends even though they're too kind to say anything. It'll be something I work on with my shrink.
Okay, I need to stop blogging and get my desk somewhat organized. It looks like a schizo works here :-p
This guy I've been sleeping with is convinced I'm going to be around for his pleasure forever no matter what. I think almost everyone thinks that until I monumentally piss them off and then they wish me away forever. But you can't control fate. I know I can't, as much as I try to manipulate it in my favor. In fact, the more I manipulate the flow of life, the more it just blows up in my face.
That's why I just live and let live now. Except with Ludwig. But I have to release him. Not for him, but for myself. I won't have peace until I stop clutching to the past like a petulant child. I can't let go of him and hope he'll come back either. I have to really let him go.
I wonder if it was this painful for him. I want to know how he feels about me. But there's no way I can ask anyone to dare approach that subject with him. It's still too fresh and too personal and I know he'll just clam up and say something very curt if anything at all. At least that's how I'd see him reacting. I want to bum rush him everytime I see him and tackle him with a giant bear hug as if nothing had gone wrong between us.
But I know it's ridiculous the way I carry on about him. It's turning other prospects off and not doing me any good. It's annoying my friends even though they're too kind to say anything. It'll be something I work on with my shrink.
Okay, I need to stop blogging and get my desk somewhat organized. It looks like a schizo works here :-p
I'm blogging from my phone
I'm thinking about getting my hair did. Salon with highlights. And i'm getting a new pair of glasses while they're 40% off. I have the cash to spare. I'm also gonna pay half of my VS credit card off. Next paycheck is when i'll splurge on the phone. That will be my birthday anyways. I feel now that I have a professional job that I should look the part. I just dunno if I can chop off the hair i've been growing for 2 years...
Monday, September 17, 2012
I've made some progress
I look back to where I was a tear ago. I was a miserable excuse for a human being. I leeched off of my ex-boyfriend. I didn't have a job. I didn't have any friends. I had no pride.
Now I have a job, I have good friends, I have a roof over my head, and I don't constantly have the thought of killing myself in the back of my head. I actually see a future for myself which I never did before.
I can't beat myself up for not being completely healed. I have to let go of some of my friends from the past. If they don't want to see me doing well for myself, that's their choice. And maybe someday down the road they'll want to reconnect. And it'll be my decision whether to let them back in.
I wrote a letter to one of the friends. I know he read my note, but couldn't respond or acknowledge it. That's his choice. I told him my doors would be open should he feel inclined. But in all honesty, I don't think it will be. He has his own issues with me that he won't talk about with me and I can't be friends with someone who can't be open with me about what I do to piss them off. I don't have the time or energy to pry that out of them.
So I'm letting go of the past. I'm friends with the one who damaged me the least. She's a good soul. We'll call her "Grace". She was a big sister to me and helped me through some crazy things. I feel bad because I felt like I neglected my friendship with her over Ludwig because he was upset with her. But now he's all chummy with her because he's such a two-faced prick. His only friends are our ex-roommate and a bunch of lesbians that aren't even of drinking age. HILARIOUS!!!!! I'll bet the last he had sex was that last time last October.
Now I have a job, I have good friends, I have a roof over my head, and I don't constantly have the thought of killing myself in the back of my head. I actually see a future for myself which I never did before.
I can't beat myself up for not being completely healed. I have to let go of some of my friends from the past. If they don't want to see me doing well for myself, that's their choice. And maybe someday down the road they'll want to reconnect. And it'll be my decision whether to let them back in.
I wrote a letter to one of the friends. I know he read my note, but couldn't respond or acknowledge it. That's his choice. I told him my doors would be open should he feel inclined. But in all honesty, I don't think it will be. He has his own issues with me that he won't talk about with me and I can't be friends with someone who can't be open with me about what I do to piss them off. I don't have the time or energy to pry that out of them.
So I'm letting go of the past. I'm friends with the one who damaged me the least. She's a good soul. We'll call her "Grace". She was a big sister to me and helped me through some crazy things. I feel bad because I felt like I neglected my friendship with her over Ludwig because he was upset with her. But now he's all chummy with her because he's such a two-faced prick. His only friends are our ex-roommate and a bunch of lesbians that aren't even of drinking age. HILARIOUS!!!!! I'll bet the last he had sex was that last time last October.
Making peace with the past
I have to let him go. Ludwig. My friends have reiterated this to me. And I know it deep in my heart that it's the right thing in my heart. People have been nice about it because they know we were together for practically 9 years when it comes down to it. How do you tell someone to get over that?
I called him and left him a voice mail. I'm not even drunk or under the influence of anything when I write him notes and put them on his car or leave pathetic voice mails. But I've taken a step outside of myself and realized that it's fucking psychotic when he completely doesn't give any indication that he cares. I have to let him go. It's over. If it didn't work when we were together for so long, why should it work now?
I've been working on some of the problems I had. I've held a steady job for over 7 months. I've cut out recreational drug use. I quit cigarettes. And I did all of these things for myself. I couldn't maintain a normal life and keep up my bad habits. I tried to and saw myself going down the wrong path.
A major part was not having Ludwig in my life anymore. It was easy to entertain my vices because I had a partner in crime, but without him, I just took them as I was supposed to and actually became more productive.
I'm determined to become someone at my job. I'm sick of just doing a half-ass job and skimming by. I'm better than that. And the better I get, the higher I rank. And if I rank high, I can be considered for positions that will get me out of Jacksonville.
I need to get out of this city. I was born and raised here. I haven't really gone out in 5 years, yet on the rare occaions I do go out, I almost always run into someone who knows me. I don't like that. I was thinking of Winter Park or Tampa. I'm not sure I want to leave Florida. Just Jacksonville.
I'll try to be more interesting next time I post.
I called him and left him a voice mail. I'm not even drunk or under the influence of anything when I write him notes and put them on his car or leave pathetic voice mails. But I've taken a step outside of myself and realized that it's fucking psychotic when he completely doesn't give any indication that he cares. I have to let him go. It's over. If it didn't work when we were together for so long, why should it work now?
I've been working on some of the problems I had. I've held a steady job for over 7 months. I've cut out recreational drug use. I quit cigarettes. And I did all of these things for myself. I couldn't maintain a normal life and keep up my bad habits. I tried to and saw myself going down the wrong path.
A major part was not having Ludwig in my life anymore. It was easy to entertain my vices because I had a partner in crime, but without him, I just took them as I was supposed to and actually became more productive.
I'm determined to become someone at my job. I'm sick of just doing a half-ass job and skimming by. I'm better than that. And the better I get, the higher I rank. And if I rank high, I can be considered for positions that will get me out of Jacksonville.
I need to get out of this city. I was born and raised here. I haven't really gone out in 5 years, yet on the rare occaions I do go out, I almost always run into someone who knows me. I don't like that. I was thinking of Winter Park or Tampa. I'm not sure I want to leave Florida. Just Jacksonville.
I'll try to be more interesting next time I post.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Killing time
We're not supposed to start making outbound calls until after 10, so I've decided to kill time but writing in my blog. I made a wishlist at Victoria's Secret. Like I didn't just buy enough bras, but I feel the need to buy more. It's ridiculous. But being single, you have to present an attractive package. That's how I feel.
It's weird to find out that a lot more people find me attractive than I thought did. I think I'm kinda pretty, but definitely not everyone's cup of tea. Which is true. I just didn't realize that more people drink my type of tea than I thought. Plus I carry myself differently now that I'm single. I hold my head high and make myself more presentable. It also helps that I have a job the enables me to buy the make-up and clothes that make me presentable.
I guess I should be flattered that I catch men's attention now. It does make me feel good. But there's really only one man whose attention I really want and he wants nothing to do with me. I really need to let go of that mess. It's not doing me any good and I just need to give him his space. I remember feeling this way about the first boy I kissed and how I obsessed over him and then eventually it subsided. Years passed, but one day we made contact again. Now we meet up for coffee once a month. I even suggested that it could go further if he wanted, but never really got a direct answer on that. But the point is that even if I give up on someone, sometimes they find their way back into my life.
I'm listening to Abbey Road while I write this. When Ludwig and I started dating, we'd park by the golf course and listen to this and Transformer by Lou Reed and I'd babble like the moron I am about everything and nothing and he was sweet enough to humor me. Then we do some hot and heavy making out. I Want You (She's So Heavy) kinda rapes my soul every time I hear it.
Like it or not, he's branded on my heart permanently. He may forget me so easily, but he'll always be somewhere back in my heart. Maybe his presence will fade in time. I hope it does. I'll never be able to move on and fully commit to someone until he isn't so prominent in my heart or mind anymore. But that's an issue that only I can resolve.
Right now, I can say about 4 men are actively seeking my attention. One isn't even in the same city or state for that matter. The other 3 are cute and I'm not opposed to taking up with them. In fact, I already have with one. The other 2 are prospects, but nothing has happened between us yet. But they both showed interest in me about a year ago and are still interested which really makes me feel pretty good. But I'm not going to fool myself. I know they only want one thing from me. But I'm okay with that.
Honestly, I'm not sure if I ever want to get into a serious relationship ever again. It's just like you're caging yourself in and it almost always ends up with one person or both parties disappointed. I know that seems cynical, but that's how I see it.
It's weird to find out that a lot more people find me attractive than I thought did. I think I'm kinda pretty, but definitely not everyone's cup of tea. Which is true. I just didn't realize that more people drink my type of tea than I thought. Plus I carry myself differently now that I'm single. I hold my head high and make myself more presentable. It also helps that I have a job the enables me to buy the make-up and clothes that make me presentable.
I guess I should be flattered that I catch men's attention now. It does make me feel good. But there's really only one man whose attention I really want and he wants nothing to do with me. I really need to let go of that mess. It's not doing me any good and I just need to give him his space. I remember feeling this way about the first boy I kissed and how I obsessed over him and then eventually it subsided. Years passed, but one day we made contact again. Now we meet up for coffee once a month. I even suggested that it could go further if he wanted, but never really got a direct answer on that. But the point is that even if I give up on someone, sometimes they find their way back into my life.
I'm listening to Abbey Road while I write this. When Ludwig and I started dating, we'd park by the golf course and listen to this and Transformer by Lou Reed and I'd babble like the moron I am about everything and nothing and he was sweet enough to humor me. Then we do some hot and heavy making out. I Want You (She's So Heavy) kinda rapes my soul every time I hear it.
Like it or not, he's branded on my heart permanently. He may forget me so easily, but he'll always be somewhere back in my heart. Maybe his presence will fade in time. I hope it does. I'll never be able to move on and fully commit to someone until he isn't so prominent in my heart or mind anymore. But that's an issue that only I can resolve.
Right now, I can say about 4 men are actively seeking my attention. One isn't even in the same city or state for that matter. The other 3 are cute and I'm not opposed to taking up with them. In fact, I already have with one. The other 2 are prospects, but nothing has happened between us yet. But they both showed interest in me about a year ago and are still interested which really makes me feel pretty good. But I'm not going to fool myself. I know they only want one thing from me. But I'm okay with that.
Honestly, I'm not sure if I ever want to get into a serious relationship ever again. It's just like you're caging yourself in and it almost always ends up with one person or both parties disappointed. I know that seems cynical, but that's how I see it.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Funky Friday
I'm slacking where I should be calling agents, but most of them aren't really set up in the system properly, so I'm using that as my excuse to blog while I should be harassing people to buy insurance. I just always think of that annoying dude from Groundhog Day that Bill Murray's character avoids. Ned or something. But it pays well and I can post out after February,
I went to Lee's for my BLT again. In hopes to see him. And I saw him, but he didn't see me. Which is for the best. I really need to stop this though. It's borderline stalkerish. I don't know why I can't let him go. I can usually accept it when people don't want me around anymore. I'm not for the faint of heart and I can be quite offensive. I just have a very light filter if I have one at all.
I'm almost 29. And I'm just not quite sure what to think of that. Actually, I'm happy. I want to put my 20's behind me. I made so many mistakes and did so many stupid things. I didn't really enjoy this decade at all. I feel like I've been seasoned enough so that I won't make the same mistakes I did in my youth. I finally like my body. I like the person I've become.
Before I moved back in with my parents, I was a really miserable person. I was living with my ex-boyfriend and wasn't taking the medication correctly. I was a pill fiend. Any self-destructive thing I could think of, I'd put myself through it. I just felt like there was no hope.
But then I remembered something. I've survived two comas. Usually when you go into a coma, you don't come out of it. I've defied death for some reason. My existence is relevant to some purpose. I'm not a religious person, but I am spiritual. I should have died at least 3 times. And it wasn't always self-inflicted.
Well, half of my agents aren't in their offices, so I kinda can't really do too much. So it makes me feel not so bad just rambling on here. I'm not sure if anyone reads this. I'm not going to reveal too much. I guess. And even if I do, that's my business.
I've made sure to use code names so it doesn't fall back on me as libel or slander. Ripple actually threatened me about mentioning her and that she'd "pursue legal action" if there was anything about her written by me. I find that terribly funny because she's the one who had openly bad-mouthed me on public forum. But I'm better than her in so many ways and it kills her inside.
I lost a lot of friends over the conflict between her and I. But to be honest, most of the people who don't speak to me anymore are people I never really cared about in the first place or they're people who never really knew or cared about me. So I really feel better off not having fake people in my life.
I wrote Ludwig a letter and ran across the street and taped it to his car. I can't let him go. I compulsively do these stupid things that probably just make him even more convinced that he's better off without me. I don't even want him romantically. I miss our friendship. I miss his sarcastic cynical views on things. I miss his passion about politics. I miss his gap-toothed smile. I'll always love him, but I am not in love with him.
There are some people that have left my life that can stay gone. I'm better off without them. They used to be important to me, but they've also hurt me deeply, too. The few that I parted ways with and want to make amends, I've already made attempts to reconcile. Some have responded and become close to me again. Others either never responded or we did try to make things work again but I realized I was better off without them and cut them loose.
But everyone who's been a part of my life, whether they still are or aren't, I loved them whole-heartedly at some point and the ones who haven't abandoned me with always have my gratitude, love and respect.
I went to Lee's for my BLT again. In hopes to see him. And I saw him, but he didn't see me. Which is for the best. I really need to stop this though. It's borderline stalkerish. I don't know why I can't let him go. I can usually accept it when people don't want me around anymore. I'm not for the faint of heart and I can be quite offensive. I just have a very light filter if I have one at all.
I'm almost 29. And I'm just not quite sure what to think of that. Actually, I'm happy. I want to put my 20's behind me. I made so many mistakes and did so many stupid things. I didn't really enjoy this decade at all. I feel like I've been seasoned enough so that I won't make the same mistakes I did in my youth. I finally like my body. I like the person I've become.
Before I moved back in with my parents, I was a really miserable person. I was living with my ex-boyfriend and wasn't taking the medication correctly. I was a pill fiend. Any self-destructive thing I could think of, I'd put myself through it. I just felt like there was no hope.
But then I remembered something. I've survived two comas. Usually when you go into a coma, you don't come out of it. I've defied death for some reason. My existence is relevant to some purpose. I'm not a religious person, but I am spiritual. I should have died at least 3 times. And it wasn't always self-inflicted.
Well, half of my agents aren't in their offices, so I kinda can't really do too much. So it makes me feel not so bad just rambling on here. I'm not sure if anyone reads this. I'm not going to reveal too much. I guess. And even if I do, that's my business.
I've made sure to use code names so it doesn't fall back on me as libel or slander. Ripple actually threatened me about mentioning her and that she'd "pursue legal action" if there was anything about her written by me. I find that terribly funny because she's the one who had openly bad-mouthed me on public forum. But I'm better than her in so many ways and it kills her inside.
I lost a lot of friends over the conflict between her and I. But to be honest, most of the people who don't speak to me anymore are people I never really cared about in the first place or they're people who never really knew or cared about me. So I really feel better off not having fake people in my life.
I wrote Ludwig a letter and ran across the street and taped it to his car. I can't let him go. I compulsively do these stupid things that probably just make him even more convinced that he's better off without me. I don't even want him romantically. I miss our friendship. I miss his sarcastic cynical views on things. I miss his passion about politics. I miss his gap-toothed smile. I'll always love him, but I am not in love with him.
There are some people that have left my life that can stay gone. I'm better off without them. They used to be important to me, but they've also hurt me deeply, too. The few that I parted ways with and want to make amends, I've already made attempts to reconcile. Some have responded and become close to me again. Others either never responded or we did try to make things work again but I realized I was better off without them and cut them loose.
But everyone who's been a part of my life, whether they still are or aren't, I loved them whole-heartedly at some point and the ones who haven't abandoned me with always have my gratitude, love and respect.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Winding down... gearing up for Friday
I know, I'm posting one more time before the night is through. But it's kinda happy giddy news. I basically had 3 guys express interest in me today and another guy paid me some attention, but not sexually. It's nice to have that many men try to hit on me. I don't always have the highest self-esteem.
One guy is more of an acquaintance. He's amongst the first guy I started talking to and flirting with after Ludwig and I initially split. He's cute, a little younger than I am... But he noticed that I had defriended him and refriended me. We did the obligatory chit-chat. Then he asked me if I remembered his proposition to have some no strings attached sex. I told him that I rememebered and that I wouldn't oppose the idea and so I have that as a possibility.
Ome was Manhattan, but I think I scared him with the full extent of crazy I am. But he's 1000 miles away.
The most important one is "Railroad". I've known him for over 20 years. He was the first boy I ever kissed. We have been consistently talking for the most part for the past 2 years. We meet up for coffee once a month usually and kinda flirt with flirting, but never quite directly flirt with each other. But I kinda basically offered him sex and he didn't really say no. In fact, he kinda encouraged the ide, but kinda coyly. I'd have to be really careful with him because he has a bad back.
All the other guys are filler. Railroad is someone I'd consider getting out of my promise to myself about not getting involved with anyone before I'm 32. But I don't want to pressure him into anything he isn't ready for. He had a similar situation where he was dating someone for about the same anount of time I dated Ludwig, so I completely understand if he's reluctant, too. But maybe we can at least have some fun.
::sigh:: I've loved Railroad for 17 years. It would be kinda sweet and poetic to end up with the first boy you ever kissed and had those adult feeling when you're a teenager, He's intelligent, pragmatic, sarcastic, and has the most killer dimples I've ever seen. I was smitten at the age of 11 and to be honest, I always harbored a little piece in my heart for him sice I met him. ahe has a good soul. He's not perfect, but no one is. But for all I know, he might forget the conversation even happened.
I act like Ludwig was my first love, but in all honesty, I think I had the beginnings of love in my heart for Railroad since I was 11 or 12 years old. I just dismissed it as a little girl's fancy. But a tribute that says something different. would be that we're still in each others' lives and have been, albeit off and on, for over 20 years. I find that I look forward to seeing him more than I do anyone else. With Railroad, it comes natural. Sometimes I kinda had to fake and puy up a front for Ludwig because I know that was what he wanted,-I don't feel forced or fake with Railroad.
He's made it fairly clear that he likes me, too. But sometimes I'm so naive and doubtful that I'm too busy worrying about what's wrong and I don't see the subtle flirting he picj3e We'll see where this goes. He seems to be almost interested in seeing where this goes. I just can't handle another broken heart. But if I do, I'm sure my writing will be better though lol
Signing off until after IO wake up.
Live everyday as your last and one day you'll be right... No regrets.
One guy is more of an acquaintance. He's amongst the first guy I started talking to and flirting with after Ludwig and I initially split. He's cute, a little younger than I am... But he noticed that I had defriended him and refriended me. We did the obligatory chit-chat. Then he asked me if I remembered his proposition to have some no strings attached sex. I told him that I rememebered and that I wouldn't oppose the idea and so I have that as a possibility.
Ome was Manhattan, but I think I scared him with the full extent of crazy I am. But he's 1000 miles away.
The most important one is "Railroad". I've known him for over 20 years. He was the first boy I ever kissed. We have been consistently talking for the most part for the past 2 years. We meet up for coffee once a month usually and kinda flirt with flirting, but never quite directly flirt with each other. But I kinda basically offered him sex and he didn't really say no. In fact, he kinda encouraged the ide, but kinda coyly. I'd have to be really careful with him because he has a bad back.
All the other guys are filler. Railroad is someone I'd consider getting out of my promise to myself about not getting involved with anyone before I'm 32. But I don't want to pressure him into anything he isn't ready for. He had a similar situation where he was dating someone for about the same anount of time I dated Ludwig, so I completely understand if he's reluctant, too. But maybe we can at least have some fun.
::sigh:: I've loved Railroad for 17 years. It would be kinda sweet and poetic to end up with the first boy you ever kissed and had those adult feeling when you're a teenager, He's intelligent, pragmatic, sarcastic, and has the most killer dimples I've ever seen. I was smitten at the age of 11 and to be honest, I always harbored a little piece in my heart for him sice I met him. ahe has a good soul. He's not perfect, but no one is. But for all I know, he might forget the conversation even happened.
I act like Ludwig was my first love, but in all honesty, I think I had the beginnings of love in my heart for Railroad since I was 11 or 12 years old. I just dismissed it as a little girl's fancy. But a tribute that says something different. would be that we're still in each others' lives and have been, albeit off and on, for over 20 years. I find that I look forward to seeing him more than I do anyone else. With Railroad, it comes natural. Sometimes I kinda had to fake and puy up a front for Ludwig because I know that was what he wanted,-I don't feel forced or fake with Railroad.
He's made it fairly clear that he likes me, too. But sometimes I'm so naive and doubtful that I'm too busy worrying about what's wrong and I don't see the subtle flirting he picj3e We'll see where this goes. He seems to be almost interested in seeing where this goes. I just can't handle another broken heart. But if I do, I'm sure my writing will be better though lol
Signing off until after IO wake up.
Live everyday as your last and one day you'll be right... No regrets.
She's got the crazy
I'm not doing what I want to do. Well, that's not true. I'm blogging which is part of what I want to do. I want to write. But I know that won't really pay the bills. I have too many things to take care of financially. Other than my insane compulsion to buy a bunch of shit I don't need. Funding my illnesses isn't cheap at all, even with insurace. I take so many different medications just to function and then there's doctor's appointments and bloodwork... It adds up to be a pretty penny. On average, I spend at least $400 a month on medical expenses... More if I have more than one doctor's appointment. I usually have one medical appointment and 2 counseling appointments and that right there is $300.
I love my counselor. I had started seeing her in 2006. That was when I was officially diagnosed Bipolar I. I saw her for about a year and a half. Then she said something about Ludwig and I having a a toxic relationship. She didn't use the word toxic. I figured that one out on my own. That was when I got back with him in early 2008. I stopped all of my meds and ended up in and out of hospitals until I finally resigned myself to taking my meds. That was in 2009.
It was tough because I was on the city contract plan. That basically meant that because I was in the poverty level financially, I got free healthcare from a local hospital. It meant my visits and meds were free, but I had to go to certain doctors and get my scripts from the hospital pharmacy. Which meant a lot of waiting in lines and driving across town. I also had to take specific medications instead of the most current formulas. Because of that, I was taking the most primitive formulas of some medications and I ended up getting sick almost every time I took them. Sometimes I didn't always adhere to my regimen.
When Ludwig told me I had to move back in with my parents, I started taking meds religiously. I knew they wouldn't think twice about putting me away if I acted out of line. Once I started taking my meds regularly, I started to feel so much better and more like myself than I had in ages. Now that I have a job, I can take the better formulas which rarely if ever make me sick.
I've been really stable for about 3 years now, even more so for the past year and half. But there are still things I need to figure out. I was trying to help Star's mom get help for Star because she has her own set of issues. When I was doing that, I found the number for my counselor that I had stopped seeing because of her opinion of Ludwig and me being together. I immediately decided to call her. Ripple had actually hit a nerve when she told me I needed counseling. So I called her and set up an appointment.
I immediately apologized to her and told her she was right about Ludwig. We had a great session. She was glad I came back and so was I. I like her. She's not too much older than I am and she has related some of her life experience to me and pretty much reassured me that things get better as time goes by. She told me I need to find an outlet to focus on and get some of my energy out. I think this blog is going to be it.
I'm a born performer, but as I've grown into an adult I've developed major anxiety issues. I crave everyone else's opinion, but don't give a damn about my own. And I should really value my opinion of myself before I factor in what others think. So I'm trying to be a good person and like myself. Everyone else will either follow suit or just go on with their lives. It's okay if I don't have everyone's approval so long as I stay true to myself. That's something we're going to work on. But I like this blog because it's public so I may have an audience. But I don't need to know who is reading it and if anyone has a comment, I have to approve it before it posts.
There will be days where I post a zillion entries (like today) and then I'm sure there will be days where I don't say anything. But I'm going to aim to at least make 2 entries a week. Even if they're just a paragraph or two.
I love my counselor. I had started seeing her in 2006. That was when I was officially diagnosed Bipolar I. I saw her for about a year and a half. Then she said something about Ludwig and I having a a toxic relationship. She didn't use the word toxic. I figured that one out on my own. That was when I got back with him in early 2008. I stopped all of my meds and ended up in and out of hospitals until I finally resigned myself to taking my meds. That was in 2009.
It was tough because I was on the city contract plan. That basically meant that because I was in the poverty level financially, I got free healthcare from a local hospital. It meant my visits and meds were free, but I had to go to certain doctors and get my scripts from the hospital pharmacy. Which meant a lot of waiting in lines and driving across town. I also had to take specific medications instead of the most current formulas. Because of that, I was taking the most primitive formulas of some medications and I ended up getting sick almost every time I took them. Sometimes I didn't always adhere to my regimen.
When Ludwig told me I had to move back in with my parents, I started taking meds religiously. I knew they wouldn't think twice about putting me away if I acted out of line. Once I started taking my meds regularly, I started to feel so much better and more like myself than I had in ages. Now that I have a job, I can take the better formulas which rarely if ever make me sick.
I've been really stable for about 3 years now, even more so for the past year and half. But there are still things I need to figure out. I was trying to help Star's mom get help for Star because she has her own set of issues. When I was doing that, I found the number for my counselor that I had stopped seeing because of her opinion of Ludwig and me being together. I immediately decided to call her. Ripple had actually hit a nerve when she told me I needed counseling. So I called her and set up an appointment.
I immediately apologized to her and told her she was right about Ludwig. We had a great session. She was glad I came back and so was I. I like her. She's not too much older than I am and she has related some of her life experience to me and pretty much reassured me that things get better as time goes by. She told me I need to find an outlet to focus on and get some of my energy out. I think this blog is going to be it.
I'm a born performer, but as I've grown into an adult I've developed major anxiety issues. I crave everyone else's opinion, but don't give a damn about my own. And I should really value my opinion of myself before I factor in what others think. So I'm trying to be a good person and like myself. Everyone else will either follow suit or just go on with their lives. It's okay if I don't have everyone's approval so long as I stay true to myself. That's something we're going to work on. But I like this blog because it's public so I may have an audience. But I don't need to know who is reading it and if anyone has a comment, I have to approve it before it posts.
There will be days where I post a zillion entries (like today) and then I'm sure there will be days where I don't say anything. But I'm going to aim to at least make 2 entries a week. Even if they're just a paragraph or two.
Menfolk
Bleh... This blog is one more thing to distract me from work. I made some calls today though. I like the new system kinda. There are a few things that are annoying. We have to document things twice which is ridiculous and redundant. And it makes doing calls twice as long which eats into our productivity.
I've decided that it's okay to write letters to Ludwig as long as I don't actually send them. That way I can get what I need to say out of my head, but I don't look like a psychotic obsessive ex-girlfriend. Which I am slowly but surely steering away from being. I just need closure. I need to say goodbye to him. But I'll just have to accept that the man is no longer in my life and never will be again.
I'm so obsessed with him because he was the one person who stood by me when everyone abandoned me and decided I was a worthless person. He had every reason to jump ship, but he was always there. Even when he was pissed at me, he'd stay patient for the most part. He knew how to calm me better than any pharmaceutical could. I'd say some truly brutal mean things to him and while he would get annoyed, he knew I was saying those things out of frustration and that I never really meant them. My bark is almost always worse than my bite, but it can be outrageously loud.
I haven't been living the chaste life since parting with him. I slept with one new person and revisited an old fling. We'll call the new guy "J". It's funny because I remember thinking J was hot, but didn't think I had much of a chance because he had a girlfriend. But he started sending me messages and trying to get me to sleep with him. I was totally shocked. It's very rare that I'm interested in someone and they are interested in me, too. I kept putting him off and putting him off until finally I just said what the hell. He still had a girlfriend and I didn't like the idea of being the "other woman" because it's just not too cool. But I was frustrated and turned on, so... yeah. He broke up with his girlfriend shortly after. I guess I was a catalyst.
Speaking of catalysts, the fling I revisited was with The Professor. I think of him as the catalyst that helped me decide to break up with Ludwig because I cheated with him. It was weird how The Professor came back into the picture. I stopped hanging out with him because my dad gave me a total guilt trip about him. I got a new cellphone when I started my job, so on a whim I texted something weird to him and he made it very clear he wanted nothing to do with me. Then about 6 months after that (which was about a year and a half since we had seen each other) he sends me som random message about how he missed me and sent a friend request on Facebook to me.
So I refriended him and we hang out. We'd been drinking and not even 10 minutes into it, we were making out and getting hot and heavy. Then he starts playing his little flirty games and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together the second time we hung out after not speaking for so long. I jump the gun sometimes. Then it got weird, but we still hung out. I made a joke about not introducing him to Star because he'd fool around with her just like he had with some of my other friends. I was only kidding, but he got so offended by the idea because she wasn't what he considered attractive. He seriouslywent off on me at 6:30 in the morning one day and I decided that I didn't need to deal with his bullshit anymore.
J and I haven't really ended our thing, but it's on pause because his truck is out of commission. We send each other naughty messages sometimes. I like what we have. It's (usually) steady, no strings attached fun. I like watching him walk around naked. Mmmm. Yes. He's funny, too. I'd consider dating him, but I'm not ready to get involved in anything serious and decided that I won't get involved with anyone while I'm still in my 20's. In fact, my preferred settling down age is 32. I don't know why, it just seems like a good age to get my act together by.
I'm talking to a guy now. He's my cousin's best friend. We'll call him "Manhattan". He was actually the best man at my cousin's wedding. One day, she sent me a message telling me she wanted to introduce a him to me because we were practically posting identical statuses on Facebook and that she wanted her two favorite people to interact and meet. I didn't really think too much about it.
One night, I got drunk and I posted a picture of me in my bikini and he said I was sexy (which I personally disagree) and then told me to call him. We had a back and forth banter on something I posted and I was inebriated, so I called him. We chatted and hit it off. At first, I got kinda too into him and then I realized how ridiculous I was being over someone who lives 1000 miles away.
I briefly entertained the idea of going up there for my birthday because his birthday is the same week. He said I could stay with him, but I'd feel weird about it. Just because we have chemistry on the phone doesn't mean it will equate in real life. So, I contacted relatives to stay with them. That's fodder for a whole other post. Suffice to say, those plans got cancelled.
I like Manhattan. He's clever and can keep up with me. He makes me feel good about myself and makes me feel attractive which is nice to find in a man. But it's just a fantasy thing really. I think he might be a little more into it than I am. I was all about it in the beginning, but I have a short attention span.
Also, realistically speaking, I still care about Ludwig. We spent the better part of a decade sharing a life together. We were engaged at some point. He was my first serious exclusive boyfriend. We went through a lot of triumphs and tragedies together. He saw me at my worst and still loved me... or at least he gave a good illusion of love. But I also feel like he almost wrecked me. Back in 2005, him and Soul Chicken pretty much dictated that a lot of partying was going to happen in the apartment we shared whether I liked it or not. I feel like a lot of the mental/emotional problems I deal with today are a direct result of the things we did back then. I know I had issues to begin with, but some of those substances exacerbated and accentuated some of the things that manifested into major problems in the years following that.
Because of that, I don't have a problem with Soul Chicken and Ludwig being absent from my life. I still love them both. But I don't think they know or care about what happened to me. Well, Ludwig cares. He's outright said so and apologized. But Soul Chicken didn't. He played the victim in the situation when in all reality, I never really did anything that bad to him. I may have been outspoken and rude about some issues, but I never really betrayed him or force anything upon him like he did with me.
So this post is long enough. I'll write another entry shortly.
I've decided that it's okay to write letters to Ludwig as long as I don't actually send them. That way I can get what I need to say out of my head, but I don't look like a psychotic obsessive ex-girlfriend. Which I am slowly but surely steering away from being. I just need closure. I need to say goodbye to him. But I'll just have to accept that the man is no longer in my life and never will be again.
I'm so obsessed with him because he was the one person who stood by me when everyone abandoned me and decided I was a worthless person. He had every reason to jump ship, but he was always there. Even when he was pissed at me, he'd stay patient for the most part. He knew how to calm me better than any pharmaceutical could. I'd say some truly brutal mean things to him and while he would get annoyed, he knew I was saying those things out of frustration and that I never really meant them. My bark is almost always worse than my bite, but it can be outrageously loud.
I haven't been living the chaste life since parting with him. I slept with one new person and revisited an old fling. We'll call the new guy "J". It's funny because I remember thinking J was hot, but didn't think I had much of a chance because he had a girlfriend. But he started sending me messages and trying to get me to sleep with him. I was totally shocked. It's very rare that I'm interested in someone and they are interested in me, too. I kept putting him off and putting him off until finally I just said what the hell. He still had a girlfriend and I didn't like the idea of being the "other woman" because it's just not too cool. But I was frustrated and turned on, so... yeah. He broke up with his girlfriend shortly after. I guess I was a catalyst.
Speaking of catalysts, the fling I revisited was with The Professor. I think of him as the catalyst that helped me decide to break up with Ludwig because I cheated with him. It was weird how The Professor came back into the picture. I stopped hanging out with him because my dad gave me a total guilt trip about him. I got a new cellphone when I started my job, so on a whim I texted something weird to him and he made it very clear he wanted nothing to do with me. Then about 6 months after that (which was about a year and a half since we had seen each other) he sends me som random message about how he missed me and sent a friend request on Facebook to me.
So I refriended him and we hang out. We'd been drinking and not even 10 minutes into it, we were making out and getting hot and heavy. Then he starts playing his little flirty games and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together the second time we hung out after not speaking for so long. I jump the gun sometimes. Then it got weird, but we still hung out. I made a joke about not introducing him to Star because he'd fool around with her just like he had with some of my other friends. I was only kidding, but he got so offended by the idea because she wasn't what he considered attractive. He seriouslywent off on me at 6:30 in the morning one day and I decided that I didn't need to deal with his bullshit anymore.
J and I haven't really ended our thing, but it's on pause because his truck is out of commission. We send each other naughty messages sometimes. I like what we have. It's (usually) steady, no strings attached fun. I like watching him walk around naked. Mmmm. Yes. He's funny, too. I'd consider dating him, but I'm not ready to get involved in anything serious and decided that I won't get involved with anyone while I'm still in my 20's. In fact, my preferred settling down age is 32. I don't know why, it just seems like a good age to get my act together by.
I'm talking to a guy now. He's my cousin's best friend. We'll call him "Manhattan". He was actually the best man at my cousin's wedding. One day, she sent me a message telling me she wanted to introduce a him to me because we were practically posting identical statuses on Facebook and that she wanted her two favorite people to interact and meet. I didn't really think too much about it.
One night, I got drunk and I posted a picture of me in my bikini and he said I was sexy (which I personally disagree) and then told me to call him. We had a back and forth banter on something I posted and I was inebriated, so I called him. We chatted and hit it off. At first, I got kinda too into him and then I realized how ridiculous I was being over someone who lives 1000 miles away.
I briefly entertained the idea of going up there for my birthday because his birthday is the same week. He said I could stay with him, but I'd feel weird about it. Just because we have chemistry on the phone doesn't mean it will equate in real life. So, I contacted relatives to stay with them. That's fodder for a whole other post. Suffice to say, those plans got cancelled.
I like Manhattan. He's clever and can keep up with me. He makes me feel good about myself and makes me feel attractive which is nice to find in a man. But it's just a fantasy thing really. I think he might be a little more into it than I am. I was all about it in the beginning, but I have a short attention span.
Also, realistically speaking, I still care about Ludwig. We spent the better part of a decade sharing a life together. We were engaged at some point. He was my first serious exclusive boyfriend. We went through a lot of triumphs and tragedies together. He saw me at my worst and still loved me... or at least he gave a good illusion of love. But I also feel like he almost wrecked me. Back in 2005, him and Soul Chicken pretty much dictated that a lot of partying was going to happen in the apartment we shared whether I liked it or not. I feel like a lot of the mental/emotional problems I deal with today are a direct result of the things we did back then. I know I had issues to begin with, but some of those substances exacerbated and accentuated some of the things that manifested into major problems in the years following that.
Because of that, I don't have a problem with Soul Chicken and Ludwig being absent from my life. I still love them both. But I don't think they know or care about what happened to me. Well, Ludwig cares. He's outright said so and apologized. But Soul Chicken didn't. He played the victim in the situation when in all reality, I never really did anything that bad to him. I may have been outspoken and rude about some issues, but I never really betrayed him or force anything upon him like he did with me.
So this post is long enough. I'll write another entry shortly.
Thursday, but it's really my Wednesday
Well, today is another day of chaos and bedlam as far as work goes. We're setting history as the first outbound virtual-agents. Not the first time I've done something like this, believe it or not. I used to work at an answering service where we had to be in a "virtual doctor's office" where people in Maryland would be calling their doctor a mile up the road and they'd be routed to some call center down here in FL. We even had to wear scrubs so it would feel more genuine which just made it more B.S. than anything.
This gig, we call and say we're calling on behalf of so-and-so from the corporate contact center, but they just recently implemented a new system that enables remote dialing and it looks like we're calling from the actual office so that makes it a lot easier. Some of the agents are easy to deal with, but others are a bit more difficult. My experience has been fairly pleasant.
Life seems to be pretty good these days. I'm so glad that my life hasn't been too chaotic and hectic. I have confidence and better self-esteem than I've had in years. I have men who desire me. Plural. I look better than I have in 5 years. I'm finally learning to accept and love myself. I'm doing things to make myself happy rather than putting other people's happiness ahead of my own. And I've noticed that people are feeding off my good vibe and treating me with more respect.
I'll admit I do miss being in love. But being on my own has helped me regain my self-worth and my self-respect. It's helped me learn I don't need anyone else's validation or approval so long as I don't get all crazy and disrespectful towards others. I just need to focus on my own positivity and be mindful that you reap just what you sow.
Ripple was all saying these things, but it was all lip-service. She has no concept of anything outside her vapid head. I was trying to tell her about the things that I've learned during my imposed isolation and meditation. She wasn't heeding or paying attention to any of it. She just kept parroting that she had learned all of these things, but truth be told, she's more shallow than a tide pool.
I have this sick passive aggressive game I play with myself. It's called "Spot Ludwig". I go to the shandwich shop right next to where he works and simultaneously hope he sees me and hope he doesn't. I'm such a sick sad person. One day I'll be okay...
One day. But I'm almost there :)
This gig, we call and say we're calling on behalf of so-and-so from the corporate contact center, but they just recently implemented a new system that enables remote dialing and it looks like we're calling from the actual office so that makes it a lot easier. Some of the agents are easy to deal with, but others are a bit more difficult. My experience has been fairly pleasant.
Life seems to be pretty good these days. I'm so glad that my life hasn't been too chaotic and hectic. I have confidence and better self-esteem than I've had in years. I have men who desire me. Plural. I look better than I have in 5 years. I'm finally learning to accept and love myself. I'm doing things to make myself happy rather than putting other people's happiness ahead of my own. And I've noticed that people are feeding off my good vibe and treating me with more respect.
I'll admit I do miss being in love. But being on my own has helped me regain my self-worth and my self-respect. It's helped me learn I don't need anyone else's validation or approval so long as I don't get all crazy and disrespectful towards others. I just need to focus on my own positivity and be mindful that you reap just what you sow.
Ripple was all saying these things, but it was all lip-service. She has no concept of anything outside her vapid head. I was trying to tell her about the things that I've learned during my imposed isolation and meditation. She wasn't heeding or paying attention to any of it. She just kept parroting that she had learned all of these things, but truth be told, she's more shallow than a tide pool.
I have this sick passive aggressive game I play with myself. It's called "Spot Ludwig". I go to the shandwich shop right next to where he works and simultaneously hope he sees me and hope he doesn't. I'm such a sick sad person. One day I'll be okay...
One day. But I'm almost there :)
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Another day in paradise
Oh lordy... Today has been something else. This whole past month has been kinda crazy at work. Agents are nearing the end of their initial contract and we're all hoping they renew with us. We're making history, they say. Plus we've been implementing a new phone system and tracking database. So it's been a bunch of chickens running with their heads chopped off, or so it seems. On top of THAT, one of the supervisors is leaving so we're adjusting to a new boss, too.
1 year and 23 days left of my 20s... good riddance. Hahahaha... But seriously, I'm ready for my 30s. I have a "grown up" job, I wear "grown up" clothes... But there is still a whiny, petulant child inside and I'm sure she'll always be there. I love that part of me, don't get me wrong. But it gets me in trouble far more than I'd like.
I really suck at my job. I'm too passive and awkward. My expertise is customer service. We're obligated to this department until February and then we can post out into other parts of the company. I really love the company itself. But i can't wait to showcase my real talents. I could make a career out of this if I want to. After a year, they do tuition reimbursement for school and you can take all sorts of courses for agent licensing and stuff for free, I believe.
I want to make something of myself. I want to prove all the people who lost faith in me that they were wrong... That I can do anything if I try hard at it. There's about a handful of people that I'd like to prance like a peacock in front of and show off my success. Ripple, Ludwig, Lumberjack, and "Soul Chicken". Soul Chicken was Ludwig and I's old roommate when we lived in Riverside. He's the one person I've met that might be more fucked in the head than I am. Now him and Ludwig are friends again since I'm out of the picture. They should totally date. Soul Chicken was enamored with Ludwig and used to make us feel bad for being a happy couple despite the fact that Ludwig isn't gay. Now he has what he wants. They can have each other. Me? Bitter? Nah... But in all seriousness, I don't wish any of them harm. I just want them to be sorry they gave up on me. But in reality, they prolly don't give me a second thought.
"Mama Bear" is the only one who regained the lost hope she had in me. I acted like an asshole and disrespected her and said some things I shouldn't have said and she banned me. Very recently, I shot her an email to test the waters and see if she was ready to forgive me. She responded way more quickly than I had hoped and we've been bantering back and forth since. She was my big sister in the formative years after high school. She's one of the few females I don't want to put in a shark infested pool at THAT time of the month. If she's the only friendship I salvage from that group, so be it.
I'm kinda like a lone wolf now. I once was the moon goddess and now I howl at the moon. Hence, the title of this blog. I don't mind going it alone. No one can disappoint me this way. Only person I can really get pissed at is myself these days. People in general vaguely annoy me. I was sociable on the outside when I was younger, but inwardly I felt like an outsider. But I'm a born performer, a bullshit artist. I can tell you what you want to hear when you want to hear it. Most of the time I mean it, but remember that petulant child I mentioned I had inside? She can be a crazy sociopath when she's at her worst.
The friends I have now I keep at a respectful distance, not just for my benefit but for theirs as well. I don't want people to fall into my crazy spiral and get stuck. I've trapped too many people in my orbit. I have friends at work and out of work friends. I try not to dwell too much on the past despite the fact there's this aching burn in my chest where I imagine my soul once was.
So part of me wants to redeem myself, but I'll only do that once I genuinely want it for myself and not just to prove the naysayers wrong. I've started on the path to healing, I just have to be mindful of wandering off track. I go off in tangents sometimes. Okay, all the time. But I'm working on it. With help from others, but also from digging deep within myself. That's the only way I'm gonna get anywhere.
1 year and 23 days left of my 20s... good riddance. Hahahaha... But seriously, I'm ready for my 30s. I have a "grown up" job, I wear "grown up" clothes... But there is still a whiny, petulant child inside and I'm sure she'll always be there. I love that part of me, don't get me wrong. But it gets me in trouble far more than I'd like.
I really suck at my job. I'm too passive and awkward. My expertise is customer service. We're obligated to this department until February and then we can post out into other parts of the company. I really love the company itself. But i can't wait to showcase my real talents. I could make a career out of this if I want to. After a year, they do tuition reimbursement for school and you can take all sorts of courses for agent licensing and stuff for free, I believe.
I want to make something of myself. I want to prove all the people who lost faith in me that they were wrong... That I can do anything if I try hard at it. There's about a handful of people that I'd like to prance like a peacock in front of and show off my success. Ripple, Ludwig, Lumberjack, and "Soul Chicken". Soul Chicken was Ludwig and I's old roommate when we lived in Riverside. He's the one person I've met that might be more fucked in the head than I am. Now him and Ludwig are friends again since I'm out of the picture. They should totally date. Soul Chicken was enamored with Ludwig and used to make us feel bad for being a happy couple despite the fact that Ludwig isn't gay. Now he has what he wants. They can have each other. Me? Bitter? Nah... But in all seriousness, I don't wish any of them harm. I just want them to be sorry they gave up on me. But in reality, they prolly don't give me a second thought.
"Mama Bear" is the only one who regained the lost hope she had in me. I acted like an asshole and disrespected her and said some things I shouldn't have said and she banned me. Very recently, I shot her an email to test the waters and see if she was ready to forgive me. She responded way more quickly than I had hoped and we've been bantering back and forth since. She was my big sister in the formative years after high school. She's one of the few females I don't want to put in a shark infested pool at THAT time of the month. If she's the only friendship I salvage from that group, so be it.
I'm kinda like a lone wolf now. I once was the moon goddess and now I howl at the moon. Hence, the title of this blog. I don't mind going it alone. No one can disappoint me this way. Only person I can really get pissed at is myself these days. People in general vaguely annoy me. I was sociable on the outside when I was younger, but inwardly I felt like an outsider. But I'm a born performer, a bullshit artist. I can tell you what you want to hear when you want to hear it. Most of the time I mean it, but remember that petulant child I mentioned I had inside? She can be a crazy sociopath when she's at her worst.
The friends I have now I keep at a respectful distance, not just for my benefit but for theirs as well. I don't want people to fall into my crazy spiral and get stuck. I've trapped too many people in my orbit. I have friends at work and out of work friends. I try not to dwell too much on the past despite the fact there's this aching burn in my chest where I imagine my soul once was.
So part of me wants to redeem myself, but I'll only do that once I genuinely want it for myself and not just to prove the naysayers wrong. I've started on the path to healing, I just have to be mindful of wandering off track. I go off in tangents sometimes. Okay, all the time. But I'm working on it. With help from others, but also from digging deep within myself. That's the only way I'm gonna get anywhere.
So lemme lay down the foundation...
Well, I'm blogging again. I've never called it "blogging" but let's call it what it really is. I "blogged" before it was cool to blog. Back on LiveJournal. But I've decided to let that just die. The last real post I wrote there was the last time "Ludwig" and I were.. err... together. Exactly a year after we "broke up". But looking at it objectively, we didn't really break up until Tax Day this year. Well, what tax day usually is. April 15. Which is almost exactly a year and a half later than the initial process began. To be honest, we had really been broken up since we ended it in 2007.
It's like my life was kinda in limbo from when I tried to end it back in November 2007 until almost exactly 4 years later. It's strange how linear my chaotic life is sometimes. Soooooo...
Basic info about me: I'm almost 29 years old. I'm diabetic and have been since 1998. I'm bipolar-schizoaffective. I have 2 parents and a younger brother. I work in insurance. I never graduated high school, but I got my GED. I've been in 2 comas and on life-support twice. I love music. I have an unhealthy addiction for online shopping, but it's better than some of the things I used to be addicted to. I still talk to the first boy I kissed. I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend. I have a $500 wedding dress in my parents' closet that I'm never going to wear. I love greek yogurt. I'm the ultimate self-defeatist. I live in Florida, but my family is originally from New Jersey. I have pretty blue eyes, freckles, and a sweet voice that will say some of the most disturbing things you might ever hear. My favorite color varies with my mood and whoo-eee, do I have a lot of different moods. I must have at least one energy drink a day... I might have a heart attack when I'm 35, but so be it. I quit smoking July 17, 2012.
So, yeah... Right now the system at work is down. We just implemented the first part last week and then added the second part this week. When it gets up and running for realsies, I think it's actually gonna be a lot better than what we were doing. Instead of doing 5 different things to get one task done, it'll be more like one or two maybe. Plus it automatically generates prospects right in succession. I've decided to use my time constructively to type a blog about my insanely boring life. Hence, here we are.
Bleh... That's the best way I can describe how I've been feeling lately. I'm not happy nor am I sad. But I don't feel like I'm suspended in limbo. Maybe more like a slowly progressing glacier. Which is better than limbo.
I spent Novcember 2007 - November 2011 in some weird alternate reality it seems. I had broken up with my one-time fiancee and tried to live in Gainesville with "Ripple". Ripple had been my best friend since senior year in high school. Ripple had just broken up with "Lumberjack" that summer and wanted me to come live with her. She introduced me to "Wolf" and I kinda fell for him. Then she went kinda psycho on me and I had to leave. I stayed at Lumberjack's place and connected with another friend so I could get home in time for Thanksgiving. Long story short, I felt hopeless and alone. I started to hallucinate and thought I needed to sacrifice myself for Thanksgiving so I could save the world. So I swallowed a bottle of anti-depressants. Then I realized what I had done and tried to puke it up and then resigned myself to fate.
Ripple decided to come visit me while I was comatose and broadcast my business on Facebook even though we weren't on speaking terms. I'm so pissed about that still. She had to appease her own guilt and make peace with me just in case something happened to me. But in all seriousness, I never forgave her.
Ludwig stood by me the entire time even though I had pushed him away and treated him like dirt. He visited me in the hospital and after I got out, we'd go out on dates. We eventually got back together. I ended up moving back in with him.
In the middle of all of that, I had been hospitalized for some of my emotional issues. The first time was involuntarily. Then I went twice in August 2008 and once in June 2009. I'm thankful to say I haven't been since. I take my medication regularly. If I don't, it gets kinda intense.
Ludwig and I lived with roommates in 2008. In December of that year, we moved out on our own together. I was emotionally numbe from what had all happened in 2007. And I was carrying on with "The Professor" which was one of the main reasons I had broken up with Ludwig. I had cheated on him because he wasn't paying me the attention I felt I needed and The Professor was an easy target.
Ludwig and I had problems. Not with each other, but with chemical dependence. I got good medications, some of which I legitimately needed and some I didn't. I always shared them because I didn't work from November 2007 - February 2012 and he supported me financially. But it got to a point where I was getting physically ill. I ended up in the hospital in September 2010. I feel that was the real beginning of the end. About a month after, on October 19, 2010, he broke up with me over Sonny's BBQ. Ironically, I had broken up with him in August 2007 over Sonny's, too. So now I'm a little funny about BBQ, lol.
Ludwig said he'd let me stay on the lease for the next year for medical financial reasons. I never really moved out. I kinda had a threesome with The Professor in February 2011 and ended up passing out and having to go to the hospital again. It was a half-assed suicide attempt because I was "moving out" and back to my parents'. I kinda did, but gradually moved back in.
Meanwhile, Ripple and I had tried to mend our friendship half-assedly. It never clicked right. She's so selfish and tries to pretend she isn't. I don't know. Maybe the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but no pleasant outcome. She had just generally pissed me off which came to a climax of us dumping beer and soda all over each other on a restaurant patio in the middle of dinner time. Then I texted her something really vile and unforgiveable.
Well, she took it upon herself to involve all of our mutual friends and tell them what I had said. Granted, it was really evil and disgusting. But it really wasn't anyone else's business. Then I noticed right around my birthday that no one was returning my calls or messages and had to figure out on my own that people had decided to boycott me.
So I spent my 28th birthday eating dinner with my dad at Chili's and blowing out birthday candles on cupcakes my exboyfriend brought for me. But I made a fervent wish for something good to happen. And whatever mystical force it is that makes the universe flow seemed to shift in the right direction. Ludwig was looking for a solo apartment and I had to move back in with my parents. They say it's darkest before the dawn. But I found out my high school friend "Star" lived 6 doors away from my parents.
Star was a life saver. She introduced me to her friend "Sunny" who helped me get a job. So my birthday wish came true, I just needed to be patient. I have this need for instant gratification that I really need to get under control. I'm getting better.
Ludwig and I had a rollercoaster ride of a relationship after my birthday. With the impending move, I couldn't help but feel hurt and rejection. But truth be told, we might have "broken up" but we never really had that clean separation. Right before I moved out in November, I had to call 911 because he had a heart attack. He overdid it with the pills and had to go to the hospital.
He ended up being okay and moved into his new place in December. Our friendship was on-again, off-again. I'd still come and stay over once in awhile, but it was weird. It didn't feel right. Then one day (again, pills were involved... notice a theme?), I had decided to write messages to people I had no right to bother. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me and that he was not going to be in my life anymore. He had blocked my numbers.
I consider that the day we really broke up. I haven't seen him since then or had a conversation with him. I called his number once and he replied to a few emails I wrote to him when Ripple told me he tried to get "rapey" with her, but that was back in May. He literally works right across the street from me. I've found myself acting all creepy and walking over there just to see his car. Oddly enough, that kinda comforts me. I know... it's weird. I don't do it very often. It's just so weird having him in such close proximity without interacting with him. He doesn't even live more than maybe 4 miles from where I live. But I'm not gonna be some weird psycho-stalker. I just have to let him go.
Ripple moved out west. We tried several times to be friends again after the nasty thing I said to her. We started talking again in January, but she turned into a greedy and selfish person. She was miserable and wanted to bring me down to her level. That's how it felt. We tried off and on until she finally moved out west. I wish her no harm, I just don't want her as an active part in my life. She's done too many drugs to be the same person that I was best friends with.
As for me... well, I've been working for over 7 months. It's the first time I've kept a job for longer than 6 months in about 7 or 8 years. I kinda suck at what I do. I'm in sales and I have more of a customer service background. It pays well and the benefits are amazing. It keeps me busy and off of the couch. I see Sunny sometimes. It fuels my unhealthy compulsion to waste money on frivilous things. I've lost 15-20 pounds. I've been talking to a few dudes, but nothing serious. Truth be told, I need to get out and date more. It doesn't have to be serious, but I'd like a fun distraction to look forward to and kill time with. There's almost always something that keeps me from getting involved in anything steady with someone. It sucks that I don't drive or have a car. I drink a lot more than i used to. But I don't mess around with anything else.
There's still this burning sadness in my chest. I don't know what it is or how it got there. I don't even know when it got there. I just noticed that one day, I had an gnawing tingle in my heart. I've noticed that my eyes are a bit distant and sad in pictures when they used to be warm and cheerful.
I just want someone to prove me wrong on my general thoughts about people.
It's like my life was kinda in limbo from when I tried to end it back in November 2007 until almost exactly 4 years later. It's strange how linear my chaotic life is sometimes. Soooooo...
Basic info about me: I'm almost 29 years old. I'm diabetic and have been since 1998. I'm bipolar-schizoaffective. I have 2 parents and a younger brother. I work in insurance. I never graduated high school, but I got my GED. I've been in 2 comas and on life-support twice. I love music. I have an unhealthy addiction for online shopping, but it's better than some of the things I used to be addicted to. I still talk to the first boy I kissed. I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend. I have a $500 wedding dress in my parents' closet that I'm never going to wear. I love greek yogurt. I'm the ultimate self-defeatist. I live in Florida, but my family is originally from New Jersey. I have pretty blue eyes, freckles, and a sweet voice that will say some of the most disturbing things you might ever hear. My favorite color varies with my mood and whoo-eee, do I have a lot of different moods. I must have at least one energy drink a day... I might have a heart attack when I'm 35, but so be it. I quit smoking July 17, 2012.
So, yeah... Right now the system at work is down. We just implemented the first part last week and then added the second part this week. When it gets up and running for realsies, I think it's actually gonna be a lot better than what we were doing. Instead of doing 5 different things to get one task done, it'll be more like one or two maybe. Plus it automatically generates prospects right in succession. I've decided to use my time constructively to type a blog about my insanely boring life. Hence, here we are.
Bleh... That's the best way I can describe how I've been feeling lately. I'm not happy nor am I sad. But I don't feel like I'm suspended in limbo. Maybe more like a slowly progressing glacier. Which is better than limbo.
I spent Novcember 2007 - November 2011 in some weird alternate reality it seems. I had broken up with my one-time fiancee and tried to live in Gainesville with "Ripple". Ripple had been my best friend since senior year in high school. Ripple had just broken up with "Lumberjack" that summer and wanted me to come live with her. She introduced me to "Wolf" and I kinda fell for him. Then she went kinda psycho on me and I had to leave. I stayed at Lumberjack's place and connected with another friend so I could get home in time for Thanksgiving. Long story short, I felt hopeless and alone. I started to hallucinate and thought I needed to sacrifice myself for Thanksgiving so I could save the world. So I swallowed a bottle of anti-depressants. Then I realized what I had done and tried to puke it up and then resigned myself to fate.
Ripple decided to come visit me while I was comatose and broadcast my business on Facebook even though we weren't on speaking terms. I'm so pissed about that still. She had to appease her own guilt and make peace with me just in case something happened to me. But in all seriousness, I never forgave her.
Ludwig stood by me the entire time even though I had pushed him away and treated him like dirt. He visited me in the hospital and after I got out, we'd go out on dates. We eventually got back together. I ended up moving back in with him.
In the middle of all of that, I had been hospitalized for some of my emotional issues. The first time was involuntarily. Then I went twice in August 2008 and once in June 2009. I'm thankful to say I haven't been since. I take my medication regularly. If I don't, it gets kinda intense.
Ludwig and I lived with roommates in 2008. In December of that year, we moved out on our own together. I was emotionally numbe from what had all happened in 2007. And I was carrying on with "The Professor" which was one of the main reasons I had broken up with Ludwig. I had cheated on him because he wasn't paying me the attention I felt I needed and The Professor was an easy target.
Ludwig and I had problems. Not with each other, but with chemical dependence. I got good medications, some of which I legitimately needed and some I didn't. I always shared them because I didn't work from November 2007 - February 2012 and he supported me financially. But it got to a point where I was getting physically ill. I ended up in the hospital in September 2010. I feel that was the real beginning of the end. About a month after, on October 19, 2010, he broke up with me over Sonny's BBQ. Ironically, I had broken up with him in August 2007 over Sonny's, too. So now I'm a little funny about BBQ, lol.
Ludwig said he'd let me stay on the lease for the next year for medical financial reasons. I never really moved out. I kinda had a threesome with The Professor in February 2011 and ended up passing out and having to go to the hospital again. It was a half-assed suicide attempt because I was "moving out" and back to my parents'. I kinda did, but gradually moved back in.
Meanwhile, Ripple and I had tried to mend our friendship half-assedly. It never clicked right. She's so selfish and tries to pretend she isn't. I don't know. Maybe the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but no pleasant outcome. She had just generally pissed me off which came to a climax of us dumping beer and soda all over each other on a restaurant patio in the middle of dinner time. Then I texted her something really vile and unforgiveable.
Well, she took it upon herself to involve all of our mutual friends and tell them what I had said. Granted, it was really evil and disgusting. But it really wasn't anyone else's business. Then I noticed right around my birthday that no one was returning my calls or messages and had to figure out on my own that people had decided to boycott me.
So I spent my 28th birthday eating dinner with my dad at Chili's and blowing out birthday candles on cupcakes my exboyfriend brought for me. But I made a fervent wish for something good to happen. And whatever mystical force it is that makes the universe flow seemed to shift in the right direction. Ludwig was looking for a solo apartment and I had to move back in with my parents. They say it's darkest before the dawn. But I found out my high school friend "Star" lived 6 doors away from my parents.
Star was a life saver. She introduced me to her friend "Sunny" who helped me get a job. So my birthday wish came true, I just needed to be patient. I have this need for instant gratification that I really need to get under control. I'm getting better.
Ludwig and I had a rollercoaster ride of a relationship after my birthday. With the impending move, I couldn't help but feel hurt and rejection. But truth be told, we might have "broken up" but we never really had that clean separation. Right before I moved out in November, I had to call 911 because he had a heart attack. He overdid it with the pills and had to go to the hospital.
He ended up being okay and moved into his new place in December. Our friendship was on-again, off-again. I'd still come and stay over once in awhile, but it was weird. It didn't feel right. Then one day (again, pills were involved... notice a theme?), I had decided to write messages to people I had no right to bother. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me and that he was not going to be in my life anymore. He had blocked my numbers.
I consider that the day we really broke up. I haven't seen him since then or had a conversation with him. I called his number once and he replied to a few emails I wrote to him when Ripple told me he tried to get "rapey" with her, but that was back in May. He literally works right across the street from me. I've found myself acting all creepy and walking over there just to see his car. Oddly enough, that kinda comforts me. I know... it's weird. I don't do it very often. It's just so weird having him in such close proximity without interacting with him. He doesn't even live more than maybe 4 miles from where I live. But I'm not gonna be some weird psycho-stalker. I just have to let him go.
Ripple moved out west. We tried several times to be friends again after the nasty thing I said to her. We started talking again in January, but she turned into a greedy and selfish person. She was miserable and wanted to bring me down to her level. That's how it felt. We tried off and on until she finally moved out west. I wish her no harm, I just don't want her as an active part in my life. She's done too many drugs to be the same person that I was best friends with.
As for me... well, I've been working for over 7 months. It's the first time I've kept a job for longer than 6 months in about 7 or 8 years. I kinda suck at what I do. I'm in sales and I have more of a customer service background. It pays well and the benefits are amazing. It keeps me busy and off of the couch. I see Sunny sometimes. It fuels my unhealthy compulsion to waste money on frivilous things. I've lost 15-20 pounds. I've been talking to a few dudes, but nothing serious. Truth be told, I need to get out and date more. It doesn't have to be serious, but I'd like a fun distraction to look forward to and kill time with. There's almost always something that keeps me from getting involved in anything steady with someone. It sucks that I don't drive or have a car. I drink a lot more than i used to. But I don't mess around with anything else.
There's still this burning sadness in my chest. I don't know what it is or how it got there. I don't even know when it got there. I just noticed that one day, I had an gnawing tingle in my heart. I've noticed that my eyes are a bit distant and sad in pictures when they used to be warm and cheerful.
I just want someone to prove me wrong on my general thoughts about people.
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