I have to let him go. Ludwig. My friends have reiterated this to me. And I know it deep in my heart that it's the right thing in my heart. People have been nice about it because they know we were together for practically 9 years when it comes down to it. How do you tell someone to get over that?
I called him and left him a voice mail. I'm not even drunk or under the influence of anything when I write him notes and put them on his car or leave pathetic voice mails. But I've taken a step outside of myself and realized that it's fucking psychotic when he completely doesn't give any indication that he cares. I have to let him go. It's over. If it didn't work when we were together for so long, why should it work now?
I've been working on some of the problems I had. I've held a steady job for over 7 months. I've cut out recreational drug use. I quit cigarettes. And I did all of these things for myself. I couldn't maintain a normal life and keep up my bad habits. I tried to and saw myself going down the wrong path.
A major part was not having Ludwig in my life anymore. It was easy to entertain my vices because I had a partner in crime, but without him, I just took them as I was supposed to and actually became more productive.
I'm determined to become someone at my job. I'm sick of just doing a half-ass job and skimming by. I'm better than that. And the better I get, the higher I rank. And if I rank high, I can be considered for positions that will get me out of Jacksonville.
I need to get out of this city. I was born and raised here. I haven't really gone out in 5 years, yet on the rare occaions I do go out, I almost always run into someone who knows me. I don't like that. I was thinking of Winter Park or Tampa. I'm not sure I want to leave Florida. Just Jacksonville.
I'll try to be more interesting next time I post.
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