Killing time

We're not supposed to start making outbound calls until after 10, so I've decided to kill time but writing in my blog. I made a wishlist at Victoria's Secret. Like I didn't just buy enough bras, but I feel the need to buy more. It's ridiculous. But being single, you have to present an attractive package. That's how I feel.

It's weird to find out that a lot more people find me attractive than I thought did. I think I'm kinda pretty, but definitely not everyone's cup of tea. Which is true. I just didn't realize that more people drink my type of tea than I thought. Plus I carry myself differently now that I'm single. I hold my head high and make myself more presentable. It also helps that I have a job the enables me to buy the make-up and clothes that make me presentable.

I guess I should be flattered that I catch men's attention now. It does make me feel good. But there's really only one man whose attention I really want and he wants nothing to do with me. I really need to let go of that mess. It's not doing me any good and I just need to give him his space. I remember feeling this way about the first boy I kissed and how I obsessed over him and then eventually it subsided. Years passed, but one day we made contact again. Now we meet up for coffee once a month. I even suggested that it could go further if he wanted, but never really got a direct answer on that. But the point is that even if I give up on someone, sometimes they find their way back into my life.

I'm listening to Abbey Road while I write this. When Ludwig and I started dating, we'd park by the golf course and listen to this and Transformer by Lou Reed and I'd babble like the moron I am about everything and nothing and he was sweet enough to humor me. Then we do some hot and heavy making out. I Want You (She's So Heavy) kinda rapes my soul every time I hear it.

Like it or not, he's branded on my heart permanently. He may forget me so easily, but he'll always be somewhere back in my heart. Maybe his presence will fade in time. I hope it does. I'll never be able to move on and fully commit to someone until he isn't so prominent in my heart or mind anymore. But that's an issue that only I can resolve.

Right now, I can say about 4 men are actively seeking my attention. One isn't even in the same city or state for that matter. The other 3 are cute and I'm not opposed to taking up with them. In fact, I already have with one. The other 2 are prospects, but nothing has happened between us yet. But they both showed interest in me about a year ago and are still interested which really makes me feel pretty good. But I'm not going to fool myself. I know they only want one thing from me. But I'm okay with that.

Honestly, I'm not sure if I ever want to get into a serious relationship ever again. It's just like you're caging yourself in and it almost always ends up with one person or both parties disappointed. I know that seems cynical, but that's how I see it.