Funky Friday

I'm slacking where I should be calling agents, but most of them aren't really set up in the system properly, so I'm using that as my excuse to blog while I should be harassing people to buy insurance. I just always think of that annoying dude from Groundhog Day that Bill Murray's character avoids. Ned or something. But it pays well and I can post out after February,

I went to Lee's for my BLT again. In hopes to see him. And I saw him, but he didn't see me. Which is for the best. I really need to stop this though. It's borderline stalkerish. I don't know why I can't let him go. I can usually accept it when people don't want me around anymore. I'm not for the faint of heart and I can be quite offensive. I just have a very light filter if I have one at all.

I'm almost 29. And I'm just not quite sure what to think of that. Actually, I'm happy. I want to put my 20's behind me. I made so many mistakes and did so many stupid things. I didn't really enjoy this decade at all. I feel like I've been seasoned enough so that I won't make the same mistakes I did in my youth. I finally like my body. I like the person I've become.

Before I moved back in with my parents, I was a really miserable person. I was living with my ex-boyfriend and wasn't taking the medication correctly. I was a pill fiend. Any self-destructive thing I could think of, I'd put myself through it. I just felt like there was no hope.

But then I remembered something. I've survived two comas. Usually when you go into a coma, you don't come out of it. I've defied death for some reason. My existence is relevant to some purpose. I'm not a religious person, but I am spiritual. I should have died at least 3 times. And it wasn't always self-inflicted.

Well, half of my agents aren't in their offices, so I kinda can't really do too much. So it makes me feel not so bad just rambling on here. I'm not sure if anyone reads this. I'm not going to reveal too much. I guess. And even if I do, that's my business.

I've made sure to use code names so it doesn't fall back on me as libel or slander. Ripple actually threatened me about mentioning her and that she'd "pursue legal action" if there was anything about her written by me. I find that terribly funny because she's the one who had openly bad-mouthed me on public forum. But I'm better than her in so many ways and it kills her inside.

I lost a lot of friends over the conflict between her and I. But to be honest, most of the people who don't speak to me anymore are people I never really cared about in the first place or they're people who never really knew or cared about me. So I really feel better off not having fake people in my life.

I wrote Ludwig a letter and ran across the street and taped it to his car. I can't let him go. I compulsively do these stupid things that probably just make him even more convinced that he's better off without me. I don't even want him romantically. I miss our friendship. I miss his sarcastic cynical views on things. I miss his passion about politics. I miss his gap-toothed smile. I'll always love him, but I am not in love with him.

There are some people that have left my life that can stay gone. I'm better off without them. They used to be important to me, but they've also hurt me deeply, too. The few that I parted ways with and want to make amends, I've already made attempts to reconcile. Some have responded and become close to me again. Others either never responded or we did try to make things work again but I realized I was better off without them and cut them loose.

But everyone who's been a part of my life, whether they still are or aren't, I loved them whole-heartedly at some point and the ones who haven't abandoned me with always have my gratitude, love and respect.