Menfolk

Bleh... This blog is one more thing to distract me from work. I made some calls today though. I like the new system kinda. There are a few things that are annoying. We have to document things twice which is ridiculous and redundant. And it makes doing calls twice as long which eats into our productivity.

I've decided that it's okay to write letters to Ludwig as long as I don't actually send them. That way I can get what I need to say out of my head, but I don't look like a psychotic obsessive ex-girlfriend. Which I am slowly but surely steering away from being. I just need closure. I need to say goodbye to him. But I'll just have to accept that the man is no longer in my life and never will be again.

I'm so obsessed with him because he was the one person who stood by me when everyone abandoned me and decided I was a worthless person. He had every reason to jump ship, but he was always there. Even when he was pissed at me, he'd stay patient for the most part. He knew how to calm me better than any pharmaceutical could. I'd say some truly brutal mean things to him and while he would get annoyed, he knew I was saying those things out of frustration and that I never really meant them. My bark is almost always worse than my bite, but it can be outrageously loud.

I haven't been living the chaste life since parting with him. I slept with one new person and revisited an old fling. We'll call the new guy "J". It's funny because I remember thinking J was hot, but didn't think I had much of a chance because he had a girlfriend. But he started sending me messages and trying to get me to sleep with him. I was totally shocked. It's very rare that I'm interested in someone and they are interested in me, too. I kept putting him off and putting him off until finally I just said what the hell. He still had a girlfriend and I didn't like the idea of being the "other woman" because it's just not too cool. But I was frustrated and turned on, so... yeah. He broke up with his girlfriend shortly after. I guess I was a catalyst.

Speaking of catalysts, the fling I revisited was with The Professor. I think of him as the catalyst that helped me decide to break up with Ludwig because I cheated with him. It was weird how The Professor came back into the picture. I stopped hanging out with him because my dad gave me a total guilt trip about him. I got a new cellphone when I started my job, so on a whim I texted something weird to him and he made it very clear he wanted nothing to do with me. Then about 6 months after that (which was about a year and a half since we had seen each other) he sends me som random message about how he missed me and sent a friend request on Facebook to me.

So I refriended him and we hang out. We'd been drinking and not even 10 minutes into it, we were making out and getting hot and heavy. Then he starts playing his little flirty games and one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together the second time we hung out after not speaking for so long. I jump the gun sometimes. Then it got weird, but we still hung out. I made a joke about not introducing him to Star because he'd fool around with her just like he had with some of my other friends. I was only kidding, but he got so offended by the idea because she wasn't what he considered attractive. He seriouslywent off on me at 6:30 in the morning one day and I decided that I didn't need to deal with his bullshit anymore.

J and I haven't really ended our thing, but it's on pause because his truck is out of commission. We send each other naughty messages sometimes. I like what we have. It's (usually) steady, no strings attached fun. I like watching him walk around naked. Mmmm. Yes. He's funny, too. I'd consider dating him, but I'm not ready to get involved in anything serious and decided that I won't get involved with anyone while I'm still in my 20's. In fact, my preferred settling down age is 32. I don't know why, it just seems like a good age to get my act together by.

I'm talking to a guy now. He's my cousin's best friend. We'll call him "Manhattan". He was actually the best man at my cousin's wedding. One day, she sent me a message telling me she wanted to introduce a him to me because we were practically posting identical statuses on Facebook and that she wanted her two favorite people to interact  and meet. I didn't really think too much about it.

One night, I got drunk and I posted a picture of me in my bikini and he said I was sexy (which I personally disagree) and then told me to call him. We had a back and forth banter on something I posted and I was inebriated, so I called him. We chatted and hit it off. At first, I got kinda too into him and then I realized how ridiculous I was being over someone who lives 1000 miles away.

I briefly entertained the idea of going up there for my birthday because his birthday is the same week. He said I could stay with him, but I'd feel weird about it. Just because we have chemistry on the phone doesn't mean it will equate in real life. So, I contacted relatives to stay with  them. That's fodder for a whole other post. Suffice to say, those plans got cancelled.

I like Manhattan. He's clever and can keep up with me. He makes me feel good about myself and makes me feel attractive which is nice to find in a man. But it's just a fantasy thing really. I think he might be a little more into it than I am. I was all about it in the beginning, but I have a short attention span.

Also, realistically speaking, I still care about Ludwig. We spent the better part of a decade sharing a life together. We were engaged at some point. He was my first serious exclusive boyfriend. We went through a lot of triumphs and tragedies together. He saw me at my worst and still loved me... or at least he gave a good illusion of love. But I also feel like he almost wrecked me. Back in 2005, him and Soul Chicken pretty much dictated that a lot of partying was going to happen in the apartment we shared whether I liked it or not. I feel like a lot of the mental/emotional problems I deal with today are a direct result of the things we did back then. I know I had issues to begin with, but some of those substances exacerbated and accentuated some of the things that manifested into major problems in the years following that.

Because of that, I don't have a problem with Soul Chicken and Ludwig being absent from my life. I still love them both. But I don't think they know or care about what happened to me. Well, Ludwig cares. He's outright said so and apologized. But Soul Chicken didn't. He played the victim in the situation when in all reality, I never really did anything that bad to him. I may have been outspoken and rude about some issues, but I never really betrayed him or force anything upon him like he did with me.

So this post is long enough. I'll write another entry shortly.