I'm not doing what I want to do. Well, that's not true. I'm blogging which is part of what I want to do. I want to write. But I know that won't really pay the bills. I have too many things to take care of financially. Other than my insane compulsion to buy a bunch of shit I don't need. Funding my illnesses isn't cheap at all, even with insurace. I take so many different medications just to function and then there's doctor's appointments and bloodwork... It adds up to be a pretty penny. On average, I spend at least $400 a month on medical expenses... More if I have more than one doctor's appointment. I usually have one medical appointment and 2 counseling appointments and that right there is $300.
I love my counselor. I had started seeing her in 2006. That was when I was officially diagnosed Bipolar I. I saw her for about a year and a half. Then she said something about Ludwig and I having a a toxic relationship. She didn't use the word toxic. I figured that one out on my own. That was when I got back with him in early 2008. I stopped all of my meds and ended up in and out of hospitals until I finally resigned myself to taking my meds. That was in 2009.
It was tough because I was on the city contract plan. That basically meant that because I was in the poverty level financially, I got free healthcare from a local hospital. It meant my visits and meds were free, but I had to go to certain doctors and get my scripts from the hospital pharmacy. Which meant a lot of waiting in lines and driving across town. I also had to take specific medications instead of the most current formulas. Because of that, I was taking the most primitive formulas of some medications and I ended up getting sick almost every time I took them. Sometimes I didn't always adhere to my regimen.
When Ludwig told me I had to move back in with my parents, I started taking meds religiously. I knew they wouldn't think twice about putting me away if I acted out of line. Once I started taking my meds regularly, I started to feel so much better and more like myself than I had in ages. Now that I have a job, I can take the better formulas which rarely if ever make me sick.
I've been really stable for about 3 years now, even more so for the past year and half. But there are still things I need to figure out. I was trying to help Star's mom get help for Star because she has her own set of issues. When I was doing that, I found the number for my counselor that I had stopped seeing because of her opinion of Ludwig and me being together. I immediately decided to call her. Ripple had actually hit a nerve when she told me I needed counseling. So I called her and set up an appointment.
I immediately apologized to her and told her she was right about Ludwig. We had a great session. She was glad I came back and so was I. I like her. She's not too much older than I am and she has related some of her life experience to me and pretty much reassured me that things get better as time goes by. She told me I need to find an outlet to focus on and get some of my energy out. I think this blog is going to be it.
I'm a born performer, but as I've grown into an adult I've developed major anxiety issues. I crave everyone else's opinion, but don't give a damn about my own. And I should really value my opinion of myself before I factor in what others think. So I'm trying to be a good person and like myself. Everyone else will either follow suit or just go on with their lives. It's okay if I don't have everyone's approval so long as I stay true to myself. That's something we're going to work on. But I like this blog because it's public so I may have an audience. But I don't need to know who is reading it and if anyone has a comment, I have to approve it before it posts.
There will be days where I post a zillion entries (like today) and then I'm sure there will be days where I don't say anything. But I'm going to aim to at least make 2 entries a week. Even if they're just a paragraph or two.
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