Oh lordy... Today has been something else. This whole past month has been kinda crazy at work. Agents are nearing the end of their initial contract and we're all hoping they renew with us. We're making history, they say. Plus we've been implementing a new phone system and tracking database. So it's been a bunch of chickens running with their heads chopped off, or so it seems. On top of THAT, one of the supervisors is leaving so we're adjusting to a new boss, too.
1 year and 23 days left of my 20s... good riddance. Hahahaha... But seriously, I'm ready for my 30s. I have a "grown up" job, I wear "grown up" clothes... But there is still a whiny, petulant child inside and I'm sure she'll always be there. I love that part of me, don't get me wrong. But it gets me in trouble far more than I'd like.
I really suck at my job. I'm too passive and awkward. My expertise is customer service. We're obligated to this department until February and then we can post out into other parts of the company. I really love the company itself. But i can't wait to showcase my real talents. I could make a career out of this if I want to. After a year, they do tuition reimbursement for school and you can take all sorts of courses for agent licensing and stuff for free, I believe.
I want to make something of myself. I want to prove all the people who lost faith in me that they were wrong... That I can do anything if I try hard at it. There's about a handful of people that I'd like to prance like a peacock in front of and show off my success. Ripple, Ludwig, Lumberjack, and "Soul Chicken". Soul Chicken was Ludwig and I's old roommate when we lived in Riverside. He's the one person I've met that might be more fucked in the head than I am. Now him and Ludwig are friends again since I'm out of the picture. They should totally date. Soul Chicken was enamored with Ludwig and used to make us feel bad for being a happy couple despite the fact that Ludwig isn't gay. Now he has what he wants. They can have each other. Me? Bitter? Nah... But in all seriousness, I don't wish any of them harm. I just want them to be sorry they gave up on me. But in reality, they prolly don't give me a second thought.
"Mama Bear" is the only one who regained the lost hope she had in me. I acted like an asshole and disrespected her and said some things I shouldn't have said and she banned me. Very recently, I shot her an email to test the waters and see if she was ready to forgive me. She responded way more quickly than I had hoped and we've been bantering back and forth since. She was my big sister in the formative years after high school. She's one of the few females I don't want to put in a shark infested pool at THAT time of the month. If she's the only friendship I salvage from that group, so be it.
I'm kinda like a lone wolf now. I once was the moon goddess and now I howl at the moon. Hence, the title of this blog. I don't mind going it alone. No one can disappoint me this way. Only person I can really get pissed at is myself these days. People in general vaguely annoy me. I was sociable on the outside when I was younger, but inwardly I felt like an outsider. But I'm a born performer, a bullshit artist. I can tell you what you want to hear when you want to hear it. Most of the time I mean it, but remember that petulant child I mentioned I had inside? She can be a crazy sociopath when she's at her worst.
The friends I have now I keep at a respectful distance, not just for my benefit but for theirs as well. I don't want people to fall into my crazy spiral and get stuck. I've trapped too many people in my orbit. I have friends at work and out of work friends. I try not to dwell too much on the past despite the fact there's this aching burn in my chest where I imagine my soul once was.
So part of me wants to redeem myself, but I'll only do that once I genuinely want it for myself and not just to prove the naysayers wrong. I've started on the path to healing, I just have to be mindful of wandering off track. I go off in tangents sometimes. Okay, all the time. But I'm working on it. With help from others, but also from digging deep within myself. That's the only way I'm gonna get anywhere.
No comments:
Post a Comment