Well, I'm blogging again. I've never called it "blogging" but let's call it what it really is. I "blogged" before it was cool to blog. Back on LiveJournal. But I've decided to let that just die. The last real post I wrote there was the last time "Ludwig" and I were.. err... together. Exactly a year after we "broke up". But looking at it objectively, we didn't really break up until Tax Day this year. Well, what tax day usually is. April 15. Which is almost exactly a year and a half later than the initial process began. To be honest, we had really been broken up since we ended it in 2007.
It's like my life was kinda in limbo from when I tried to end it back in November 2007 until almost exactly 4 years later. It's strange how linear my chaotic life is sometimes. Soooooo...
Basic info about me: I'm almost 29 years old. I'm diabetic and have been since 1998. I'm bipolar-schizoaffective. I have 2 parents and a younger brother. I work in insurance. I never graduated high school, but I got my GED. I've been in 2 comas and on life-support twice. I love music. I have an unhealthy addiction for online shopping, but it's better than some of the things I used to be addicted to. I still talk to the first boy I kissed. I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend. I have a $500 wedding dress in my parents' closet that I'm never going to wear. I love greek yogurt. I'm the ultimate self-defeatist. I live in Florida, but my family is originally from New Jersey. I have pretty blue eyes, freckles, and a sweet voice that will say some of the most disturbing things you might ever hear. My favorite color varies with my mood and whoo-eee, do I have a lot of different moods. I must have at least one energy drink a day... I might have a heart attack when I'm 35, but so be it. I quit smoking July 17, 2012.
So, yeah... Right now the system at work is down. We just implemented the first part last week and then added the second part this week. When it gets up and running for realsies, I think it's actually gonna be a lot better than what we were doing. Instead of doing 5 different things to get one task done, it'll be more like one or two maybe. Plus it automatically generates prospects right in succession. I've decided to use my time constructively to type a blog about my insanely boring life. Hence, here we are.
Bleh... That's the best way I can describe how I've been feeling lately. I'm not happy nor am I sad. But I don't feel like I'm suspended in limbo. Maybe more like a slowly progressing glacier. Which is better than limbo.
I spent Novcember 2007 - November 2011 in some weird alternate reality it seems. I had broken up with my one-time fiancee and tried to live in Gainesville with "Ripple". Ripple had been my best friend since senior year in high school. Ripple had just broken up with "Lumberjack" that summer and wanted me to come live with her. She introduced me to "Wolf" and I kinda fell for him. Then she went kinda psycho on me and I had to leave. I stayed at Lumberjack's place and connected with another friend so I could get home in time for Thanksgiving. Long story short, I felt hopeless and alone. I started to hallucinate and thought I needed to sacrifice myself for Thanksgiving so I could save the world. So I swallowed a bottle of anti-depressants. Then I realized what I had done and tried to puke it up and then resigned myself to fate.
Ripple decided to come visit me while I was comatose and broadcast my business on Facebook even though we weren't on speaking terms. I'm so pissed about that still. She had to appease her own guilt and make peace with me just in case something happened to me. But in all seriousness, I never forgave her.
Ludwig stood by me the entire time even though I had pushed him away and treated him like dirt. He visited me in the hospital and after I got out, we'd go out on dates. We eventually got back together. I ended up moving back in with him.
In the middle of all of that, I had been hospitalized for some of my emotional issues. The first time was involuntarily. Then I went twice in August 2008 and once in June 2009. I'm thankful to say I haven't been since. I take my medication regularly. If I don't, it gets kinda intense.
Ludwig and I lived with roommates in 2008. In December of that year, we moved out on our own together. I was emotionally numbe from what had all happened in 2007. And I was carrying on with "The Professor" which was one of the main reasons I had broken up with Ludwig. I had cheated on him because he wasn't paying me the attention I felt I needed and The Professor was an easy target.
Ludwig and I had problems. Not with each other, but with chemical dependence. I got good medications, some of which I legitimately needed and some I didn't. I always shared them because I didn't work from November 2007 - February 2012 and he supported me financially. But it got to a point where I was getting physically ill. I ended up in the hospital in September 2010. I feel that was the real beginning of the end. About a month after, on October 19, 2010, he broke up with me over Sonny's BBQ. Ironically, I had broken up with him in August 2007 over Sonny's, too. So now I'm a little funny about BBQ, lol.
Ludwig said he'd let me stay on the lease for the next year for medical financial reasons. I never really moved out. I kinda had a threesome with The Professor in February 2011 and ended up passing out and having to go to the hospital again. It was a half-assed suicide attempt because I was "moving out" and back to my parents'. I kinda did, but gradually moved back in.
Meanwhile, Ripple and I had tried to mend our friendship half-assedly. It never clicked right. She's so selfish and tries to pretend she isn't. I don't know. Maybe the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but no pleasant outcome. She had just generally pissed me off which came to a climax of us dumping beer and soda all over each other on a restaurant patio in the middle of dinner time. Then I texted her something really vile and unforgiveable.
Well, she took it upon herself to involve all of our mutual friends and tell them what I had said. Granted, it was really evil and disgusting. But it really wasn't anyone else's business. Then I noticed right around my birthday that no one was returning my calls or messages and had to figure out on my own that people had decided to boycott me.
So I spent my 28th birthday eating dinner with my dad at Chili's and blowing out birthday candles on cupcakes my exboyfriend brought for me. But I made a fervent wish for something good to happen. And whatever mystical force it is that makes the universe flow seemed to shift in the right direction. Ludwig was looking for a solo apartment and I had to move back in with my parents. They say it's darkest before the dawn. But I found out my high school friend "Star" lived 6 doors away from my parents.
Star was a life saver. She introduced me to her friend "Sunny" who helped me get a job. So my birthday wish came true, I just needed to be patient. I have this need for instant gratification that I really need to get under control. I'm getting better.
Ludwig and I had a rollercoaster ride of a relationship after my birthday. With the impending move, I couldn't help but feel hurt and rejection. But truth be told, we might have "broken up" but we never really had that clean separation. Right before I moved out in November, I had to call 911 because he had a heart attack. He overdid it with the pills and had to go to the hospital.
He ended up being okay and moved into his new place in December. Our friendship was on-again, off-again. I'd still come and stay over once in awhile, but it was weird. It didn't feel right. Then one day (again, pills were involved... notice a theme?), I had decided to write messages to people I had no right to bother. He told me he wanted nothing to do with me and that he was not going to be in my life anymore. He had blocked my numbers.
I consider that the day we really broke up. I haven't seen him since then or had a conversation with him. I called his number once and he replied to a few emails I wrote to him when Ripple told me he tried to get "rapey" with her, but that was back in May. He literally works right across the street from me. I've found myself acting all creepy and walking over there just to see his car. Oddly enough, that kinda comforts me. I know... it's weird. I don't do it very often. It's just so weird having him in such close proximity without interacting with him. He doesn't even live more than maybe 4 miles from where I live. But I'm not gonna be some weird psycho-stalker. I just have to let him go.
Ripple moved out west. We tried several times to be friends again after the nasty thing I said to her. We started talking again in January, but she turned into a greedy and selfish person. She was miserable and wanted to bring me down to her level. That's how it felt. We tried off and on until she finally moved out west. I wish her no harm, I just don't want her as an active part in my life. She's done too many drugs to be the same person that I was best friends with.
As for me... well, I've been working for over 7 months. It's the first time I've kept a job for longer than 6 months in about 7 or 8 years. I kinda suck at what I do. I'm in sales and I have more of a customer service background. It pays well and the benefits are amazing. It keeps me busy and off of the couch. I see Sunny sometimes. It fuels my unhealthy compulsion to waste money on frivilous things. I've lost 15-20 pounds. I've been talking to a few dudes, but nothing serious. Truth be told, I need to get out and date more. It doesn't have to be serious, but I'd like a fun distraction to look forward to and kill time with. There's almost always something that keeps me from getting involved in anything steady with someone. It sucks that I don't drive or have a car. I drink a lot more than i used to. But I don't mess around with anything else.
There's still this burning sadness in my chest. I don't know what it is or how it got there. I don't even know when it got there. I just noticed that one day, I had an gnawing tingle in my heart. I've noticed that my eyes are a bit distant and sad in pictures when they used to be warm and cheerful.
I just want someone to prove me wrong on my general thoughts about people.
omg!
ReplyDelete