I waste so much money. It's ridiculous. I want to spend over a hundred dollars to to change the shade and maybe get a few highlights. WTF is wrong with me? And I buy underwear that is ridiculously expensive. My justification for that is that I want to build my credit. Which is kinda legit.
This guy I've been sleeping with is convinced I'm going to be around for his pleasure forever no matter what. I think almost everyone thinks that until I monumentally piss them off and then they wish me away forever. But you can't control fate. I know I can't, as much as I try to manipulate it in my favor. In fact, the more I manipulate the flow of life, the more it just blows up in my face.
That's why I just live and let live now. Except with Ludwig. But I have to release him. Not for him, but for myself. I won't have peace until I stop clutching to the past like a petulant child. I can't let go of him and hope he'll come back either. I have to really let him go.
I wonder if it was this painful for him. I want to know how he feels about me. But there's no way I can ask anyone to dare approach that subject with him. It's still too fresh and too personal and I know he'll just clam up and say something very curt if anything at all. At least that's how I'd see him reacting. I want to bum rush him everytime I see him and tackle him with a giant bear hug as if nothing had gone wrong between us.
But I know it's ridiculous the way I carry on about him. It's turning other prospects off and not doing me any good. It's annoying my friends even though they're too kind to say anything. It'll be something I work on with my shrink.
Okay, I need to stop blogging and get my desk somewhat organized. It looks like a schizo works here :-p
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