So yeah, I'm getting into the meat and potatoes of my job. Started really on Friday when I took two calls and those went pretty well. Today, I did one transfer and it was my first time doing what I was hired to do and I flopped a bit through it, but I passed it on to a DC and had my first transfer done. I would have had another, but we were so busy that I set a callback to call him tomorrow afternoon.
Now that I've gotten into a bit of a groove, I think I'll do better. I made between 150-200 dials today and maybe talked to 5 or 7 people. Just like SF. But these people are more likely going to help me get the money I'm aiming to earn. I need to improve my current situation. I can't live with my family for too much longer. My goal is July, sooner if possible. I just can't be around them like this. It's really kinda sad.
I love them, but I want to be better and not crazy. Or at least be as less crazy as I can possibly get to. We all know I'm a bit of an odd bird. And like I was literally refereeing the drunks on Friday night. But I kinda liked being the only sober person. I was raging cuntastic PMS-ing. Yes, I made up a word. Cuntastic. It describes a whole level of PMS that no one should ever be reduced to. I can't be on birth control because one of my new meds makes it less effective, so what's the point of ingesting extra hormones that aren't going to be very useful. Lady-parts cancer already runs in my family so I don't really need to tempt fate anymore than necessary. I get all the shitty genetic defects, so it wouldn't really shock me to pieces if that one happened to me too. Not that I want it to. I'm just living by the mantra of hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. But yeah, this month's PMS is a result of not taking The Pill anymore. It's the only logical deduction. Unless I'm knocked up. And then.... well, I don't want to think about that.
I plan on being the best debt analyst I can be so I can move up in the company. I have the ability to think on my toes. I just need to get into my groove and comfort zone. I've already mingled with people at work. I took up smoking again. It's the best way to socialize with the good salespeople and get tips and stuff. I'll quit again when I start getting the groove of things. But until then, I will sit and chain smoke and slowly re-introduce myself into socializing again. It's really healthier than it is negative for me for now. I know. It's scary how I can rationalize just about anything. The life of a semi-sociopath...
I took control of my meds situation. My new doc, Dr. L, from Crazytown had a bad stroke, so he can't really see patients. I wouldn't think. Mofo is such a multi-tasker though, I'm not all that surprised. I hope he gets better. But I'm prolly gonna go back to Dr. V. I have a feeling that he'll be more able to be attentive to my needs. Especially once he knows I've gotten my act together. He accused me of being a bad drug addict. Which was kinda true when I look back at the patterns of my behavior back the. But it was when I first tried to make the steps of recovery out of that lifestyle which totally discouraged me and sent me full force back into it. Now that I don't have Gingered Wonderfag using me for drugs and enabling my bad habits, I think I can be taken a bit more seriously. I don't blame him for all my problems, but he definitely aided and abetted some of my less appealing behaviors.
I was thinking of GW again today. How he's prolly gonna have some mouth-breathing geeky world of warcraft dork children with his lil miss Rosie. But Fossett talked some sense into me to keep me from dwelling too far into self-pity over it. She said that if that happened, he'd be stuck with all of that while I went on being my fabulous self. And I actually found some solace in that. I love that woman. She's been such a good friend to me for half of my life. We've had our falling outs, but our friendship has grown and matured as we have throughout the years. Ocean and I are still working on getting to that level. She's more right that my stubborn ass likes to admit. I'm learning to admit that just might not know everything all the time. I know, shocking right?
I'm about to go see my counselor for the first time since all the shit went down in December. I feel like that was a whole lifetime ago. We did the pre-cursor to EMDR and I dunno, but I feel like that unleashed some not so good things in my brain that led to my semi-nervous breakdown. It was all weird the way things went down. Honestly, I feel that between starting my BC back in September, seeing GW that one time at Walmart, finding out GW had replaced me, and my birthday all happening within weeks of each other started the trigger to my slow descent into insanity that just kinda hit the fan when I finally did lose my job.
I'm making a point to have Thursdays be my early day so I can go to Crazytown for After Care sessions. I like group discussions and I feel that the more I go there with my own success, maybe I can spark a renewal of hope to someone who's in a similar situation to ones I've been in. But it's not all selfless. It's selfish, but in a healthy way. To keep myself fresh. Positive reinforcement. Plus, I like some of the ladies who go a lot more the more I get to know them.
It's so foreign to feel myself going in the right direction, but I'm getting used to it. And I'm going to try to NEVER take it too much for granted. I'm going to just thank my lucky stars and the positive energies that are allowing me to get my life back on track, whether it's God or whatever you want to call it. It's out there. I've felt it too much to doubt it. And I kinda pity the people who lack the open-mindedness to accept that there is some greater entitity that brings us together, up and down and all around. But I respect that they can have their own beliefs too. I'm far from a jesus-freak. But you have to believe in something other than just yourself. But that's just my opinion.
I'm ready to open the next chapter in my life. I feel like I've even gotten a view of a few pages. And I'm just gonna go with it and rock that shit like no one else can.
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