Now that I'm doing better, I have attainable goals. And I'm going to do my damnedest to make them happen. I'm mending fences properly. People aren't always receptive when I first reach out to them, but when I give them time to marinate on it, and I try again... They seem to want to give me a second chance. Which makes me happy. I guess when I learn a lesson, I have to prove I've learned it rather than just tell people that I know better. I have to implement the knowledge.
Good things happen to me. I just have problems sustaining them. But I'm finally working at that. I guess maybe I look so young because I act so young. Life is amazing right now though. I am in a good popsition with a good company. I'm single. I have good people in my life who don't bring me down too much.
I'm thinking of going up north for vacation in August. Maybe spend a day or two up in Baltimore with Fossett. She's cool with that. I might go see some NJ family, too. We'll see. I might want to use vacation days to move. But I think I could at least take a 3 day weekend to visit my girl . She's been an amzaing best friend throughout the years and the one female friend I have that hasn't really made me feel like less than nothing. She's always been a positive motivator. We've fought over stupid shit, but i think it's made our friendship stronger.
I like my job. There's people there who make me feel like I'm welcome and I socialize and it's good. No one is too close. Yet, I don't feel alienated and isolated either. It's a happy medium. I'm afraid to facebook interact with anyone yet because then they'll know what lies behind this semi-calm demeanor I put up for professional purposes.
I was telling Ocean how I finally feel like myself again after the time I spent in limbo for five years (2008-2012). After all of that, I feel like I've been reborn and stronger knowing all the things that I know now. I've finally almost adapted to the role of responsible adult. I have a schedule and a routine that I pretty much follow and I'm happy with it. I have a real decent job. I have some pretty kick ass friends. I know what I want for the most part. But I'm also willing to adapt to things. I don't expect them to be handed to me on a platter. I know I have to work for happiness.
I have a friend who kinda pisses me off. She agreed she needed to get help after something really shitty happened to her. But now she's acting the same way she was before it. And now, I'm no psych expert. But I know the signs of someone who's suffering from depression. She's wearing a giant gold star with her symptoms. And it's kinda annoying me because she was so willing to get help during her crisis, but now she's back into day-to-day life, she doesn't feel it's necessary. It's irritating as all hell. I'm sorry, but depression is there whether you want to deal with it or not. And drinking it away or turning to whatever other available vice is around isn't going to fix anything.
Almost everyone she cares about has turned their backs on her because she won't help herself. The same thing happened to me but it was worse. And now that I've finally gone about trying to solve things and make myself better, people have been willing to meet me halfway. But she doesn't get it. And I really don't want to turn my back on her because she really hasn't done anything to warrant that. But in a way, it feels like she has. I feel almost like she's making light of my situation acting the way she has. Like she's seen my struggles, but she doesn't feel like it applies to her because "nothing can help" her. My problems were a lot worse than hers are and it's kinda insulting and makes me think that she thinks she's better than me and that her problems aren't as dire. They might not be now, but they could very well turn out worse. Preventative measures. And I'm sorry, but I'm too selfish to stay on board of a sinking ship. I have my own issues to deal with and I can't hold people up like I used to think I could. That's co-dependency. Pushing away your problems so you can deal with others' instead.
I've done that too much for too many people. I know better now. It's okay to be selfish and put yourself first. It's when you get too self-involved when there starts to be a problem. And not being receptive to getting help.... that's self-involvement. Maybe I'm being bitchy. I just don't have the time and pateince to deal with BS anymore. I've been dicked around by too many people to let it happen anymore. I won't completely desert her, but I'm not gonna hold her hand while she spirals in the wrong direction and let her pull me down with her. I'll just keep my distance. I've learned that much at least.
I used to be that asshole who would cry out for help and then when you reach out, I just grabbed on and tried to pull you down with me. It wasn't like I was maliciously sandbagging people, not at first at least. But then it became an unconcious habit and people started cutting me loose. And I still didn't get it for awhile. But just as I thought I'd been sucked under for good, I pulled myself up onto a safety raft. And the waters were pretty choppy. Now I'm swimming again. I had floaties, but now I'm paddling along pretty well. I'm not quite sure how deep the waters are, but you don't need depth to float. You need survival instincts and a level head. And even if you drift too far from the land, the tides are always changing so you're not always totally screwed. There's always a chance things will go in your favor. Especially if you're a good gambler and you know how to play your hand even if you have shitty cards.
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