That's Just The Way It Is

Memorial's hold music sounds the same as this actually. I remember having such a hard time when I first heard it... Pinning to where I heard the familiarity. Bleh. My head hurts. I skipped groups this morning. But I worked on my resume. I have a friend who hooked me up with a possible job lead. It's got no benefits. But that could be what I need until I finally get my shit together. As long as I can pay for COBRA and appointments and meds, I really don't need too much more.


I'm trying to be high-spirited about things. It's a little difficult when I feel so alone. I shouldn't. I have lots of friends. Well, people who claim to be. But I'm not too worried about it. I let people off the hook when I should hold them accountable. I'm gonna do a clean sweep of my friends list sooner or later. People who haven't really made an effort to really make an effort. They know who they are. They may try to read these even... Try to get some insight by being out, but looking in.

If you know me, you know better. It's all a song-and-dance. I'm trying to be less of a performer though.

I somewhat miss parts of my old life. There are friends I more than likely won't ever speak to again in real life, but I keep them on facebook because I clutch in vain to the past. But we all know it's unlikely that we'll speak to each other again.

I used to be sad about not having some of these people in my life still. But it's not like I haven't tried to keep up some of these bonds. But people will do as they do. I really don't expect anything different. I know better than to expect from people what I wouldn't expect from myself. And I know if I could get rid of me, I most certainly would.

I have survivor's guilt. Not from war. From trying to off myself. I've outlived too many situations because of my stubborn will to live. Not by choice. It has a strength all of its own. I guess apparently I would be missed by too many people and hurt more than I'm aware of. I know that I'd hurt some people that I wish wouldn't be too affected because they have their own stuff they have to deal with. There are some people that I would hope would miss my presence but would more than likely just shrug it off because it wouldn't affect them so much anymore.

I really just want to stop feeling like this. And I will. One step at a time, one day at a time.