Where Is My Mind?

Well, it was 0.75 days into the new year our family made it in until someone had to cause chaos. Of course, it was me. Ever the instigator. I just stirred the pot that's been brewing. My lazy ass brother hasn't really had much motivation to get up off of his ass and do something with himself. I hope dad and him had words in the direction to fix that. Not in a bad way. But I'm sickl of having to sacrifice and feel like the awful one when I'm doing way more than any of these douches are to fix ourselves.

My dad has been very morbid lately. Saying that he has to die before I do. Which is fine, but please let's not talk about it. It's normal for parents to die before their children. But he made me promise that if I let him go before I do, I have to be in charge of stuff. Which I really don't want. Like I don't have enough resentment and anger at my family for stupid reasons... I don't need that to be added onto it. Yes... let everything be on my shoulders. Lord help me, but I really hope he never gets that out in writing.

I know it sounds horrible, but after my dad goes... I'm done. If I keep in touch with some family members, that's cool. But really... some of them (including the ones I live with) can go right to hell for all I care. Especially after this past year...

Like, I really want to be honest when someone asks me if i want to kill myself... Because honestly, I do. I want to be selfish and pretend I have no problems that would follow me. But they would, in one way or another. They would hurt the ones I love or they would just manifest in ways that I have no iudea of because I haven't died yet, so I don't know what happens. Do I believe in an afterlife? And if I do, is it for real? We never know until we go.

I have my theories. But I also think I'm some weird kind of psychic medium. Which I can't really prove or disprove. But I can just imagine the kind of shit stir that will be going on if my mom hears dad wants me in charge of things after he goes. She'll play the Mentally Ill Card. And I'll give it to her. I'll play batshit insane in that attorney's office if that's what it takes to be let off. I don not want to be in charge of anyone's future. I've fucked up my own so badly, why trust me with another's?