My Life

Grrrrrrr... I have the ear infection from hell. It's been raging cuntstically in my left ear for almost a month now. I made an apppointment for friday morning since I get paid. I'd go now if I could afford it.

I'm starting to stress at work. I'm not as good as I wish I was. I'll do better once I get inbound. I just hate not being the best. And my fucking ear just hurts and gives me vertigo so i'm in a piss poor mood on top of being discouraged.

Exactly a decade ago, I was falling in love for the first time. My heart hurts just thinking about it. So I keep trying not to think about it. But you know me. The more I try to avoid it, the more it's on my mind. So i'm letting myself feel it and trying to let it go rather than pretending it's not there and let it build up.

This is going to be hard, but i'm going to avoid altering the feelings recreationally with chemicals. It doesn't fix anything. I saw my "friend" last night. I like him, but why screw up something that's already okay?

Because i'm never happy with "okay"... It either has to be epic win or epic fail. That's my fucking problem. I have to accept mediocre or else i'm going to continue hating my life and myself. It's okay not to be perfect and it's good that everything hasn't gone to utter shit. I have to accept the mediums in life or i'm just going to set myself up for failure. It's almost like I crave it, this failure.

I'm still rebuilding my life. And it's okay if everything doesn't happen at one time. I have to remember it's not worth having unless you work for it. And my shit's gonna be awesome. Or it might just be okay. But it's gonna be mine and that's what really matters.