Wow... just found out something interesting about the switch and shift of stuff at work. But it makes sense. I guess. It'll be a good change I think. Won't know for sure until it happens. Kinda makes me sad for stupid reasons, but I'll get over it. Dapper has a good energy and I think our team might need it. We shall see. I'm learning quickly that it's best to be adaptable when it comes to this job. But really, it's good to be adaptable in most situations. Just don't let people steamroll over your soul.
I'm trying to veer away from the negativity. It's just been hitting me hard this past two weeks. But it's just giving me more drive to strive to be better and not let it bog me down. It just all seems to hit at once. But what could have been negative at work has really been pushing me to be better and I've been pushing myself to try harder and succeeding for the most part. My problem in the past was just giving up too easily, but I'm gonna fight for this. It's my livelihood. And it's the most feasible path to help me get out of the rut I've been stuck in for what seems to be forever. I just have to remember that my spirit is strong and keep taking it higher instead of just settling for "not good enough" and being discouraged and stuck.
The negative things in my personal life... Ocean and my "friend"... I can't focus on that. It's not important to me. The thing with my "friend" isn't and was never anything of substance. It was just a thing of convenience. And it's not convenient for me anymore. And I'm worth more than just meaningless sex. I'm cheapening myself and I want something more. The last time I had this realization, I held out for GWF and that was a good thing for the first few years. So I know I'm capable of self-respect and putting value on my body/mind/spirit. I just can't give into my weakness for physicality. But to be honest, he's a selfish "lover" and I'm not enjoying it anymore, never really did. I just liked feeling wanted. So why put myself through all of the turmoil?
As far as Ocean goes... she has referred to me as a "best friend" recently but I think she says that to me just to make me think i feel special. I really doubt she says that I'm her "best friend" unless she thinks it will connect her to someone or something she wants. She said that she told the latest dude she's lusting after that her "best friend" is a Libra, too (because this dude is), but I don't feel any truth to those words. I think all the negativity she inflicted on McCollum was shifted to me when he wouldn't deal with her anymore and it's just clouded our friendship since that series of events. She doesn't understand boundaries and respects them even less. And I can't have an honest conversation with her about this because she gets so defensive and offended and turns it on me and makes me feel more like shit for just being honest about things that mean a lot less than this.
I just basically feel used and taken for granted. And I'm done letting people do that to me anymore. I'm worth more than that. I'm finally realizing this. I'm not in high school anymore and I just have this sinking feeling that my friendship with her will never surpass that stage. Fossett and I talked about how we're so glad to have one another after all of this time. Because while we've butted heads, we can both level it down to us both being volatile bitches sometimes and that we need to get over our own egos. This is why I value her friendship more than ever. We've grown as people and our friendship has progressed with that growth. We don't always fight about things. And we both humble ourselves to admit the possibility of being wrong.
I was telling Ryb that I used to always have to be right. And I did. And as I've grown older, I've learned that it's not always a horrible thing to admit that I'm wrong sometimes. I don't always have to be right. And when I'm wrong, I try to admit it. And I try to learn something from it. And it's a good thing I'm not always right. The world would be such a more fucked up place if everything I thought was right about really was correct. I like being proven wrong in some situations. Not always, but it's good to have some humility and resist the urge to be a pompous, arrogant asshole. Lord knows I've worn that hat a few times.
I'm grasping for my inner peace. I know I'll have it when I don't feel the need for it so much. Because it will be there. I'm looking forward to the session on Wednesday night. I do a lot of free association as it is and maybe EMDR is the right way to do it with focus in the right direction rather than going every which way with it. That tends to kinda drive me insane when it's misdirected. I need to read and hone in on the things worth my time and energy instead of throwing glass boxes at brick walls just to see my sanity shatter.
This week is going to be a good week. It'll only be as good as the effort I put into it.
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