And She Was

Where do I begin? Well, I lost my job 2 weeks ago. I worked for an insurance company doing outbound insurance sales (background if you didn't already know) and I sucked at it because I'm too honest and I had a bunch of cold lists that barely had any working numbers. I'd literally call 45-55 people a day on average and maybe 5 of those people would actually answer their phones. Maybe 3 people would let me quote them in a week's time if I was lucky. The only time I made sales was when we did inbound and took overflow from Sandy victims and I don't like the idea of prospering from someone else's misery.

So I took myself to a wellness center. It was a voluntary admittance facility for mentally ill and people detoxing. I'll refer to it as Crazytown. The first week was a blur of tummyache and med adjustment. I'm on Tegretol now and no longer taking Lithium. I feel so much better now. I just fit in, too. I walked onto the unit and just eased in.

It gave me a real perspective. I thought it was the end of the world when I lost my job. A job Ihated. And I know I would have done something stupid to myself if I didn't get the help I did. But when I got to Crazytown, I saw that I didn't have it all that bad. Every addiction I had, I kicked on my own. I didn't have any children/custody issues/marriages to contend with. I wasn't court ordered. I went on my own terms. I was well aware of my condition. Only bad thing was I started smoking again, but I needed some outlet and it was the fresh air during breaks that really tempted me the most. Plus you make friends on smoke break.

There were women battling alcoholism, pills, coke, crack, etc. I was just battling my inner mind. 80% of the women were there for detox. And some of them were so rude. But there were some there that touched my heart deeply. One girl was 18 and going ECT (electroshock) and I swear, I went unmedicated because of course the first night i get there, my doc has a flat and isn't there to RX me. So on top of being crazy enough, I had no medicinal buffer. When I asked the RN, she said, "Well, obviously what you were on wasn't working."

Point taken.

But then I thought one of the fellow patients was coming to kill me in the middle of the night when one of the RN's was doing checks and I gasped so loud afraid it was the patient and I woke up my roommate, myself, and the RN. Yeah, I'm a lil high strung...

I met some interesting people though. It scared the shit out of me seeing people come out of electroshock. One thing that stuck with me was someone I know who has done it told me, "It takes away your memories and you don't get to choose which ones you get to keep." That really scares me. Just the vacant blank stares they had while they were being escorted back from ECT while we waited in line for lunch. I really feel for them. That's a last resort when all ed therapy has been exhausted.

My roommate was obnoxious. A 37 year old who's so obsessesed with Hello Kitty that she mentioned several times how much she wanted the hello kitty watch Yo gave me and "joked" about stealing it. That watch didn't leave my wrist except when I was in the shower lol. Never trust an addict. I was one. I know how they think and act.

Some highlights: a 68-year-old Russian lady who only let one to a few of us she knew more English than most people thought she did, a patient got locked out after a smoke-break for a good hour because the tech was a moron who wasn't very mindful or aware of who came and went from the inside and outside, being the sly diabetic who snuck cake (soooooo good), being the only person wily enough to network for employment while in a looney bin, getting nominated to be groupleader, and also being the most loved patient by the nurses... My dad, bestfriend Murphy, and her mom all came to visit me. My mom outright pretty much told me not to come home on her birthday (the one time she visited me and groaned and griped like my illness was this HUGE inconvenience to her), so I waited until the day after per her request. That was my present to her. To have a daughter in a mental hospital while she gallivanted in Orlando not giving a shit. That's my mom for you. Morgan shaking her butt and asking girls if they were 18 (I love lesbians!). Morgan. Holly. Ashley. Josie. Susan. Anna. Patty. Candace. Ronnie. Karena. I will carry them with me in my heart with that experience I shared with them. BIGGEST HIGHLIGHT: Being nominated by 3 different people to be the group morning leader without even having to campaign or them talk each other into agreement. 3 separate people wanted me to lead. Really boosted my ego. Lowlight: Calling Mike in a moment of weakness. I called twice. First time, he answered and there was no way I could actually confront him even over the phone so I hung up immediately. Then I called when I knew he'd be asleep and said, "Greetings from your favorite psychotic ex-girlfriend. I destroyed myself again. Just wanted to say happy holidays..."

Yeah, I'm straight-up mentally ill.

My doctor doesn't even really think I'm that bad off. His exact words when I asked whether I needed ECT: "Hell no!"

So relieved.

So now I need to lose 10-15 pounds and keep the optimism I found when I was at a pretty low-point. I'm doing outpatient therapy. I'm taking my meds. I had to get really drunk my first full day out to drink the AA meetings out of me >.<. Have tentative plans to keep me busy during the holidays.

I've been missing my blog. But I'm back and better than ever. Much love.

D.