Heaven

I love the Talking Heads. They sing this blog's title. I guess I'll give more of my backstory. It's kinda relevant anyways. When I say "coma" I don't mean I just slept more than 12 hours. I mean my body functions were failing and I was intubated on life support. Twice. Almost three times. I've had my Last Rites.

The first coma was the most jarring and tragic I think. I was 14 years old and it was the last weekend before school started so we were in the belly of summer. I had noticed some weird stuff going on with my body but I chucked it up to puberty and hormones and being a teenager. I was 14 after all. And I'm really avoidant so I just kinda let it go.

Long story short, I went to bed one night and woke up a week later with a priest standing over me and a tube down my throat.... WTF?! I'd had some very vivid dreams... even an OBE. But I thought I was just sleeping. I had no reference of time or anything. Then it came... The explanation that I was diabetic and that I had gone into shock. I ended up with pneumonia and was touch and go for awhile there. Unresponsive for 2 days. What a way to start high school!

I'm Type 1 Diabetic and have been for half my life. I take insulin injections. It sucks, but it is what it is. I have no choice. I've been battling Bipolar Disorder as well. Both diseases suck in their own respect, but it really sucks when they co-exist. I've been dx'd bipolar since 2006. I weaved in and out of shrink's offices from 2000 forward with different diagnoses but I'm not going into all of that.

Anyways, I guess I'm bringing up this old wound because I think it is where my need to be a control freak stems from and I'm confronting issues that have been laying dormant since then through EMDR therapy. I feel like this stuff is going to really help me get to the core of my problems. I hope it does.

EMDR is this weird hypnosis kind of deal. It sounds almost kinda like brainwashing. It was first used to treat Vietnam vets suffering from PTSD and has apparently been proven to work. I figure it's worth a try. It's not directly affecting my brain physically like ECT so it doesn't scare me in that respect. I'm just afraid I'm digging into Pandora's Box by digging up long repressed and ignored memories. That's what this past week has kinda felt like since I did the pre-cursor exercise to find my "happy place". Not even joking. But I've been doing some of the breathing exercises and that's been helping a bit.

We had started this out thinking that my relationship with Mike was what has been bothering me. But I knew that wasn't it. It does bother me, no doubt. But my life doesn't revolve around him, not anymore. It never should have. I know that now that was a big part of the problem. I focused so much on him that I didn't have anything left for myself. That's not good. You have to be your own person to be a healthy half of a relationship. Now that I know this, I think my next relationship will be a lot better. And as soon as that person makes me unhappy, it's over. You should be in a partnership that is beneficial for both parties and not where one person is leeching off the other alternately.

Gah.... relationships... I just know I'm not interested in having one right now. I find girls attractive sometimes, but just to look at. I don't want to really touch one or anything and I really don't think I could handle the emotions of another woman on top of my own. I've considered going down that route and even dabbled slightly just to make sure that's not what I really want. Dudes are fun, but I want to find one who can equal me in most if not all areas or at least can be complementary. So I'm doing this 54 week challenge just to see how long I can stretch my will-power out to be.

I'm more focused on improving myself right now before I jump into something foolishly. I have to be pragmatic. I'm almost 30 so I'm not a spring chicken. I might act like I'm still 19, but I'm almost 30. But it's nice to know most people think I'm 23-26. I'm a bit vain, I'll own it. But yeah... in order for me to be good for someone else, I need to be good for myself. And then everything will more than likely fall into place.

My tongue feels like it's 85% healed so maybe I can drink again next week sometime. I am really fast at healing especially considering all the stuff I've already put my poor body through. No wrinkles or grey hairs either. That's nice to say. Maybe I'm like Clare from Heroes. It feels like that sometimes. I don't really seem to be able to die and I heal quickly considering how poor my circulation should be.

Okay... enough babbling into cyber space.