Soooooo... I hate December. It's not even Christmas. I dunno. Maybe this energy wouldn't be here if it wasn't the holiday. But everytime the seasons change, I'm usually out of sorts for that month. Except March. I'm usually good in March. But June, September, and December all kick my ass in their own way.
So I went to a propaganda apocalypse website. Yeah, not the brightest idea with my mind running a mile a minute without pausing to catch breath... Or process, I guess I should say. Two of my co-workers are having parties. One is a birthday and the other is a holiday party. I wasn't invited to either one. I hear everyone around me constantly talking about them, but not one single direct invite. Now, I'm a tough cookie. But that still stings a little. I don't really care enough to confront anyone about it. But my feelings are kinda hurt.
I mean, I don't even drive so even on the chance that I'd actually want to go, I probably wouldn't anyways. But it's okay. I'll be civil. I might be throwing mind-bullets at them, but with a smile on my face. Not that anyone would give a damn if they knew what my internal dialogue was. I just love how casual everyone is about it. And it's not the first time. Likely not to be the last either. I guess I'm too weird for mainstream. F*ck 'em.
I have bigger fish to fry. Besides, what would I do? Cry about not being invited to a party? This isn't kindergarten. Regardless of how some of them act. I'm having my own get together with Murphy and Ash anyways so that's something to look forward to. I'm learning the less time you spend dwelling on bullsh*t and the more you focus on the good, things tend to go in the direction you focus your energies towards.
This is just a test from The Great Beyond that the season is about kindness and goodwill. Work is work and play is play. I just look at where I was a year ago and how far I've come and from such a dark place. It's still cloudy here, but on the road of improvement. Trekking along no matter how much I stumble. Still forward motion. And that's what matters. The audience doesn't.
I had a rough weekend and beginning of the week. My mind has been running on high speed manic style and my poor thought process doesn't know yin from yang. But whenever stuff gets bad, I talk to someone and ground myself back to earth. It's funny. All of the things that I was afraid of happening 5 years ago that triggered the first "vacation" actually did end up happening in the long run of it. Not exactly as I had thought it would. But yeah... it's kinda surreal. And I'm still here to tell the tale, much to my chagrin.
So yeah, if the world does end in 16 days, bring it on. One co-worker said that when you die, that's the end of the world. Your world. That's something I cam to on myself on Monday. It was funny hearing it said out loud and not in my head. My mind has been picking up phrases and words and within about 5-10 minutes, it's being said by someone else without me having said it out loud. It's been kind of freaking me out a bit.
Kinda like 12 Monkeys style stuff. But even if the apocalypse is nigh (yes, I said nigh, lol), there's nothing I can do or say to stop it. I'm not the key to fixing things. I might be a visionary, but of what? I'm no prophet. I'm usually never right. So it matters naught. Damn, I'm spouting scholarly stuff left and right.
As far as the parties go, only one person really hurts my feelings in the situation. He's very similar to my ex-roommate Greg. It's kinda creepy. But they're both very different. It's just eerie. I've been nothing but nice to him. And he's just been outright... I dunno. Oh well... It's not really worth my breath. That's why I just typed it and vented in my blog. Like every other passive-aggressive nerd.
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