I just realized I referred to Mike as "Gingered Wonderfuck" the other day when it was supposed to be "Gingered Wonderfag" and I just wanted to make the correction. He was far from a "wonderfuck" lol. But that's the past and I'm letting it go. I just couldn't let that go uncorrected lol.
I only drank half of a regular sized bottle of wine last night and I'm so proud of myself. However, it seems when I drink less that my hangovers seem worse. But I'm finishing the other half of the bottle today. And I will maybe drink on NYE, but after midnight, that's it until 2014. That's the goal. I bought the last packs of cigs I will hopefully ever end up buying. I'm procrastinating writing my resume because it gives me anxiety to present my best face forward. I don't believe even my best face is a halfway decent face to be seen.
I finally communicated and got through to my dad some of the stuff that's wrong with me mentally as best as I could and I think he was very receptive and accepting and supportive. I'm thankful that he listens and doesn't tune me out when I have some really important stuff to say. He even let me fill up a grocery cart and got me the stuff I'll need for the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, I'll have some of my own cash when the necessities run out.
My mother... I have some mother issues. Big time. But I had a great realization yesterday. If I keep holding onto anger and resentment, I'm going to turn into her and I really don't want that. I don't really think my mother is a bad person. I just have a hard time seeing her point of view and she has a hard time seeing mine. We're very similar but in very different aspects. I'm the oldest of the two kids and my mom was the youngest of six. Her tragedy of youth was losing her mother when she was only 12. Mine was that I myself almost died when I was 14.
She never had a mother and I think that makes it harder for her to be a mother because her mother figure was her oldest sister and she died very tragically when my mom was still fairly young. She has her own issues that I won't go into out of respect to not air out people's laundry. I'm only showing my own panties on my blog, not anyone else's. It's disrespectful. I've learned on other public writing forums that it ain't right to go into people's personal shit without their personal consent. Unless it's directly related to me. But even then, I'm hesitant. Usually. It's case by case lol. But I've learned this lesson many a time and it's finally stuck after I almost lost my Mama Bear because of it.
I half want my FB to proposition me tonight. He does it usually every other weekend when he doesn't have his little girl. But I have no expectations. I can't rent a hotel room and I'm not giving gas money. I ain't no one's sugar momma. I finally detached the little feelings I've started almost growing for him.
Just talked to Valdosta. He's such a sweetie. We chat on fb and on the phone. He lives far away. But he doesn't expect very much from me and is very very sweet. More of the kind of dude I think would be better for me in the long fun of things if i was to do the commitment thing again.
I'm working on making myself better though. I've been seeking several different options for what I want. I consider FB my rebound. It's been fun, but I think I'm ready to move on to something more solid and real rather than a random screw on the side of the road and I have to pay gas money. Not really anything to sweep me off my feet. But he's a sweet guy, too. I don't think he wants anything real with me though. I don't want to rush into anything too quickly though. I've also been messaging on OKCupid with someone who seems really sweet, too. I haven't accessed that account in forever, but something randomly stuck out about him and he seems like an interesting person. I'm keeping my options open until it feels really right. Really really right. I don't want to waste my time like I did with GW.
About to go sell the amethyst GW gave me that he originally gave to his first serious girlfriend. I might get 5 bucks, but I don't care. I need moisturizer lol.
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