Well, I've decided that I'm going to indulge in a little bit of smoking cigs and healthy drinking before I give up all of my vices. By "healthy drinking" I mean sipping on some red wine to unwind a bit instead of turning to a full bottle of vodka and taking shot after shot until I can barely remember my name. But I think I'm really going to try to embark for true sobriety, even if it is only for the duration of 2013.
I need to prove this to myself. That I can do it. Despite my problems and surroundings. Because I'm one strong mother f*cker. I've just seen too many signs leading to this that I can't turn a blind eye. I'm not saying I'm gonna be a friend of Bill W. or anything. Not yet... If I start feeling cravings, that's when I might turn to that source. But I've kicked other substances, I know I have the strength and serenity in me deep down under all the chaotic mess. I just need to reach deep within me and hold onto it for dear life. Because I promised my dad he wouldn't be the one burying me.
It was kinda weird. I caught my dad a lil off today... it made me confront the truth that he's not going to be around forever. And he's going to help me with COBRA which is AWESOME!!!!!! I'll be able to keep getting the treatment I need which he knows is important. I want to see what this new doc can do for me. He wants me to do all these diagnostics so we can finally figure out what is wrong with me and get on track with fixing it properly. Bree (inside joke for her alias) was right when she said I should be re-evaluated because we have very similar symptoms and she had been misdiagnosed for years.
I just want to get the help I need to make sure I can go on living a healthy and productive life. I can't help anyone else if I can't help myself. One of my best friends told me I was a healer today because she was facing crisis-mode and that really made me feel good becasue that's what I've always wanted to do. Help others with similar problems and let them know that it's okay, but you have to be receptive to the changes you need to make.
Much love and sparkles to my amazing readers. You keep me writing.
And I love seeing you write! I want you to know that you're strong, really! Not trying to be cheesy, but really speaking out about your issues helps me feel more comfortable to be more accepting of my own. And you know I've got some. :-) Let's see what new adventures 2013 brings us! I must say, I'm pleasantly hopeful and optimistic for what the future holds.
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