Rid Of Me

Good ole Polly Jean. I'm not even sure that's what P.J. stands for to be honest. I've often thought of this as my theme song. Because I may hide for awhile or go missing for a bit.... you may even banish me for a year or so. But you're rarely rid of me. I once told someone I was like herpes... I go away, but I always come back. Yeah, I know. I'm the only person who would compare themselves to an STD.

I applied for unemployment. It's been 3 weeks since I got fired... a week since I landed from the cuckoo's nest. I've been doing the outpatient thing. It's been okay since I've been an active participant. The first few days I was kinda bleh about it, but I figured if I got active into it then it would be worth whatever I'm going to get billed for.

I really need to quit smoking again. I smoke like I never quit, a pack a day. Not doing menthol which is slightly better than smoking 'ports. Marlboro Special Blend Lights. Because I myself am speshul. I saw on my direct deposit that I got credited for the two policies I bound. I have 100% issuance. I can put that on my resume. Fuck yeah!

I'm really trying hard not to be depressed. It's not as hard of a struggle as you might think. Once I have some income coming in, it'll be better I think. I just have to be on the job hunt. 5 applications a week which just means one a day. Not too hard. I need to get off my ass and do a resume. I don't know if I have a copy of my old one and I just need a fresh start anyways. I'll work on that tomorrow... today if I get bored enough. I just needed to get away from all those assessments and forms or else I'd be having a panic attack. I need to mentally prepare myself for it and I knew my dad was starting to worry about it when he mentioned it on the way back from my Outpatient Crazytown session.

It finally feels like winter. It got down to 36 degrees! ::sarcasm:: I look like a 10-year-old. I have sparkles for my eyeshadow and rainbow star dangling earrings. I'm sure I'll instagram a pic of it or something. A lot more people have been reading my blogs since I've been posting them on FB. I wonder if Gingered Wonderfuck ever reads this. I'll bet not.

My goal for 2013 is to put my random thoughts of him away. Not to suppress them. They come less frequently. It'll be something I'll always have a random thought about here and there. But this will be my first year free of him in 12 years. I met him in 2001... 1999 was when I first talked to him. But I don't count that because it doesn't matter anymore. He'll be the one person who can truly be "rid of me". And whoever else wants to run away from this trainwreck. I'm done chasing after people. If you want to be a part of my life, actions speak louder than words. Even if it's just a FB message or text once in awhile, ffs. But if you can't even be bothered to do that, fuck off and don't let the door hit you where the good lord split you.

I'm done being that one reliable wackadoodle that will be loyal til the tip of the iceberg melts. I'm almost 30. Done with "playground friendships" and whatnot. Hell, I have friends I've kept in touch with for 25+ years. But if you piss me off and hurt me excessively, I won't hesitate to turn my back on you. I'm done with emotional abuse and I won't stand for it anymore. I'm better than that and I'd hope anyone in my age range would be better than that.

Would I talk to the people who are currently boycotting me ever again? More than likely not. I'll nod hello, maybe wave. Like I did with GW at Wal-Mart that one time. But I'm done leaving my door open. It would just hurt me to know all this current and past pain was all for nothing. I understand taking a break from me. But don't ask about me and then talk about how you want nothing to do with me in the same breath. That hurt. That wasn't the ex. That was another former friend. But it really bothers me.

There. More later. Maybe.