Out of Gas

I had a nice long convo with a friend tonight who helped me get some perspective. She told me how proud she was of me. And for once, I didn't really feign modesty because I really am proud of myself too. I've come a long way in this past year.

A year ago, I was so hopeless. I had maybe 3 friends and one of them was my ex. And now I no longer speak to him. And I went back and read my entry called "Obstacle 1" and realized that since I've re-emerged back from Crazytown... I did have friends at my former job. And I re-friended the ones that did seem to genuinely give a sh*t. And they friended me back. Even responded to my messages. Makes me kinda miss the place almost. There are a select few that I would actually hang out with outside of the work environment and told them to keep in touch.

Maybe I isolate myself and make it so I'm unnecessarily alone. It's just because so many friends have been fair-weather and ditched me that I'm afraid to let anyone in. But that's no way to live life. You can't gain without losing at least a little piece.

Well, Yo told me Thad asked about me. And then proceeded to say that he wishes me well, but wants nothing to do with me. Just like everyone else who I once thought of as family. 95% of them abandoned me which means they were never really worthy of the love I had for them in the first place. Onward and upward. I wish them no harm. But I'll remember this. This just proves what my last paragraph said.

I mourned them all a while ago. But it still stings, I will admit that. But the people who still care about me and love me are my inspiration. I mostly don't want to disappoint myself, but I also seek approval from others too. I just need to alter the balance so that my opinion and love for myself outweighs the negativity.

I'm bound and determined to prove myself worthy of the many chances I've had at a new life when it's very clear I shouldn't have made it this far. The haters can keep their nasty thoughts to themselves. I love me now and if you don't want to follow suit, please politely remove yourself from the path I'm on. I don't need stragglers bringing me down.