Whoa...

I saw the traffic on this thing.... I became almost kinda popular it seems overnight. Today was mucho productive. I switched the policies on 2 cars and did a quote that's a guaranteed bind if I get to it before the agent does. I would have bound it today if the state didn't have bind restriction in place. I was so excited until someone poited out to me that we couldn't bind for them until the restriction was lifted. I explained to the lady. She was buying it for her nice/ward for her 18th birthday. She wanted the BAREST coverage ever and it was a decent amount for the quote. I gave her my direct line and told her she will be the first person I call when the restriction is lifted. Which is true... I'm gonna finally get my bind!!!!!!

I was really cute today for Halloween. I was a "cherry-bomb" pin-up girl. A few people told me how cute I looked. I did my make up all nice like. But I still feel... I dunno. It's not really lonely... it's deeper than that. And it's always been there. I can't describe it as anything but dark.

I have to focus on everything that is good... I'm doing better at my job and I am making friends. I look better than I have in years without being strung out and/or crazy. But I still see things in a sad light. Even at my "happiest" I was still sad.

I think I just want someone. And that's no good. Me wanting someone just exhibits my codependent tendencies. I have to learn to be comfortable being myself by myself. The fact that I recognize this is a good sign. I'm really happier not having to play a part for someone.

I'm tired literally and imaginatively. I have to accept that I can't be everyone's friend. People think that because I'm being nice to them means i want to be friends with them. I'm just friendly to keep the environment as friendly as I possibly can. I'm not seeking your approval. I'm just keeping the peace because too often in the past I have fucked shit up pretty badly and I'm trying to better myself and not be like the person I was. Or rather, I don't want to be like the person I let myself turn into. Someone reminded me yesterday of how I used to describe lemony tasting things as if they "taste like sunshine" and it made my heart die a little inside.

I used to be so sweet and cute and now I'm just old and tired