I've been spending the last hour and a half looking at halloween costumes. I haven't been able to dress up in something fun in I don't know how long, so I'm really excited and I'm totally going all out! I think I might be able to make it to a party and I know I'm going to wear a costume to work.
My last posts were kinda bitter and angry, but I've let those feelings melt away. Don't get me wrong, if I ever see MM again, I will most certainly let him know how much better off I am without his presence in my life. But I wish him no harm. He's really not worth any energy, neither negative nor positive.
Work is going well. Out of the 7 agents I have left, I still have 5 for now. The two I was dealing with this week both complimented me on how I have a good attitude. It really meant a lot to get compliments from them despite that I'm not really getting them the business or binds. The other 2 agents are not renewing. But I've been making more dials each day this week. I'm starting to catch up to everyone. I got 2 quotes with my first call Friday (yesterday) and one quote today so I think that makes 5 total this month. There are some people who get that in a day, but with the cold lists I've been getting, that's damn good!
So I have a dude dilemma. I have a "buddy"... we'll call him TK. There are no feelings between TK and I. Like none. We're "friends that fuck" that really aren't even friends if we're gonna call it what it is. The only time I see him is when we screw. And that's usually 15 minutes. And then I go and do my walk of shame home.
Well, there's JR. He lives in Valdosta, but I've met him a few times. He's very sweet. He seems to be a lot like I am. I know he's done a sting in The Bin, too. So he understands some stuff that I can't really explain to people. At least, I'm pretty sure he does. We text and we've talked on the phone once. I'm going to call him after I go to RM's tonight. Talking to him is natural, like he's just down the road and not 2 1/2 hours away in another state. JBR (my big sis, chosen family) seemed a little hesitant. I know her. She tries to hide things, but I know her well enough. And she's prolly right in being hesitant. But she hasn't outright decreed it as something that's impossible and shouldn't be thought about.
JR makes me feel good. But I dunno if it's because I want to feel something for someone again and he's just filling that place or if I have genuine feelings for him. I'd have to spend time with him again to gauge it for sure. But that's impossible right now because I don't drive and he doesn't have a fixed schedule so he could come out here on a Sunday or Monday.
He's really smart, but also goofy so the smartness doesn't scare or intimidate me. It's nice to know I can care about someone again. That MM didn't break me. That I didn't break myself. This past month and a half has really shown me that I can do what needs to be done, adapt, and grow as a person. Not just physically, but mentally too. I was so stagnant for so long and now I can feel myself chugga-chugga-choo-choo-ing towards success in more than one aspect of my life.
I'm finally not apathetic. I'm not vaguely suicidal. I smile without having to fake it too much. I interact with people. I'm being a person again!!!! I feel alive and it doesn't scare me. I had a rough two weeks there, but I think it was just the cloud of sadness and depression lifting and reality was so sharp and vivid that it scared me and made me paranoid. But I rolled with the punches. I kept breathing. I told people my crazy ideas and theories (that might be feasible.... you never know) and had help and love from people rather than a cold shrug and then passing me off to a facility because it wasn't something to be bothered with.
Fuck you, Mike. You didn't break me. I'm back and better than ever.
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